Sitting by a stone wall is a contemplative experience. Sometimes I think these spaces are life itself, and I think again, what do I want to be?
Loving and loved.
Creative.
Honest with myself and others.
Genuine.
Appreciative of what I have.
Free to make choices without fear.
Simpler.
I want to tell my story, in any way I can.
March 23, 2010 – Cold, rainy. Getting ready to pay my taxes. I thought I’d get money back, but no such luck. I finished the first day of my forced time off. Strange not to write, took a few photos. Going out to dinner with Maria. I was thinking a lot today about attitude. It’s an act of faith these days to turn on the radio, where there is a predictable infusion of anger, doom or hysteria. Staying positive has become a challenge, and perhaps it always was. Reading through a book on Winston Churchill, I wondered at the ability of the British to stay positive in the face of news that was vastly worse than what we get on our nightmare cable channels.
Attitude is, I think, a choice, like fear. You can roll either way. For me, the challenge is to understand reality. I want to know what is happening. But to remember that we do make our own news, and much of that is internal, and very much a choice. I have largely disconnected from politics, as it is simply too hateful for me.
And I understand enough history to know that almost every period of life has been viewed by the people living it as awful, worse than the time that went before. I’m not going there. Nostalgia is a trap, and so is bitterness and whining. I think I hate whining above all human traits, and have never understood it. I told Maria that if she catches me whining, push me in the creek and leave me there.
I am not a person who stops easily, or who stands still well. I am taking a few days off of writing, and what I see happening is that when I stop, a well of sadness opens up in me, and I feel a lot of loss. There has been a lot of loss and I guess it is important, even healthy, to stop and feel it, and let it flow through me.
I suppose that’s why I don’t often stop. You have to be okay with yourself, and in your own company. I have, like many, gained a lot, lost a lot. I haven’t caught up with all of the loss – family, friends, time. I guess it is part of finally get to know me, and I see that I have to pause more deeply and let it run through me. I will keep taking photos, and that helps me. I lost many years of my life to fear and confusion, and as great as my opportunities are, I will not get them back and have to say goodbye.
I love the spaces between walls. They seem as important as the walls themselves.
Site was down, is now up. Went out on the path with the camera and the dogs. Rain is an opportunity for me. Had a long talk with an old friend last night who was talking too much about the end of life, about getting ready, about how her time on the stage has passed. I got alarmed for her. She only seems to see and hear bad news, angry politicians, massacres and suffering. All these things are real, for sure, but have always been part of the fabric of life. What an interesting thing, how to sort through the grimness of life and find the light and the hope and joy.
Still, I am worried about her and might go pay a visit.
