23 May

Fear And The Small Life

by Jon Katz
Remembering Izzy

A lived lived in fear is, by definition, a small life, I believe.

Most of us feel fear at one point or another, but for me, self-awareness has come to mean stepping out of that mindset  – turning away from the fearful world and the fearful people and institutions that run it – and learning to trust my life and the people in it. That is sometimes lonely and isolating. If you watch the news you will see right a way that this is not the way much of our world thinks. Don’t expect to feel part of the mainstream.

Fear and anger are first cousins and decisions made in fear are small decisions, decisions that are about advancing our illusions of security, rarely about living your life. The meaning of being human is larger than that, asks of us more faith, offers more creativity and purpose, challenges us to live our lives out of fear, and not inside of it.

Someone close to me is torn about whether to take a job that pays a lot of money or to pursue her heart, follow the magic in her head, listen to the fairies and spirits, and do what she loves.

We have gone back and forth a few times. But it pays well, she says. It offers insurance. It is safer.  There are regular paychecks. I know these voices, I have heard them all of my life. Almost everyone she knows – everyone but me – is urging her to take it. I don’t give advice unless asked. But she did ask and I told her I hope she finds faith in her talent and follows her heart into work and a life that she loves. Even she admits she doesn’t really want the job. And do we really accept the notion that that we ought to spend our lives enslaved in obligation and anxiety? It seems a small life to me, to accept it on this narrow and soul-draining terms. But other people are not me, and I am not them.

To some extent, I have been dealing with this myself and so has Maria. We are going ahead and purchasing our new home before we have sold this one, and the prospect of carrying two mortgages and two properties has definitely brought out some of the old voices in my head. Even the realtor says she isn’t sure what we should do.  But I am going forward – we are going forward. I believe there are a lot of things bigger than me pulling us towards this place – an independent and admirable woman, an aging and dutiful pony, Maria’s work, a call for rebirth and renewal. I am not easy, when all is said and done, sitting on my hands waiting for the world to come around to me. In our culture, following one’s heard is incompatible with the complex and expensive ways in which we are supposed to live, the things we are supposed to need. The fear that is instilled in us every time we watch the news, see a doctor, talk to other people. Fear is viral. It travels faster than anything and there are no vaccines. But life is short, and life is precious, and at the end of it, I want them to say of me that he lived his life, not in fear, but in purpose.

I guess I would rather live a poor life than a small one.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Email SignupFree Email Signup