It’s been so many years, really.

When I saw my daughter open her eyes for the first time.

When I came to the cabin on the mountain 15 years ago.

When I began reading Merton, Thoreau, Campbell, Aquinas, St. Augustine, the Kabbalah.

When I came to Bedlam Farm with Rose.

When Maria and I found one another.

When I broke down Got divorced. Went into therapy.

Began healing. Got married.

When I let the ghosts go. Just said no. Dropped them.

Found a spiritual counselor who I trusted and heard, and who heard me.

This week, she told me, “this is it. You are getting there.”

Yes, yes, I said, do you really think so?

Yes, she said. I do.

I can see it now, even if I am not quite there, may never completely get there.

The place beyond. Beyond fear and argument and smallness and struggle.

Beyond pain and pills.

A place of trust. And love. And creativity. Putting the pieces together, one by one.

A new home. New friends. Work that I love. Photography that I love. Animals that I love.

A place of letting go, of Leaping Into Faith. Of connecting to something larger than me,

and my silly troubles. I can see it. I can feel it. I am close. I’ll see you there.