30 June

Good Morning. My Farm Is Dancing With Me

by Jon Katz
Good morning from Simon

Good morning from Simon, who has lost his early Spring fresh grass pot belly and is looking like a mighty fine donkey. I gave him a great big kiss on his soft nose this morning.  He snorted at me, his way of loving. It is curious, but I feel lately like my farm is dancing with me, a way of saying good bye. Bedlam Farm has never seemed more magical to me, the pastures green, lush, each sunrise a painting, the photos vivid and evocative, my  beautiful wife radiant making her quilts, talking to her donkeys, lighting up my life. The red barns look dignified, comfortable with themselves, the chickens moving industriously around the farmhouse, and there are now sheep grazing everywhere. Even the foxes are respecting this tranquility and beauty.

My new work with Red has made the farm seem even richer, brought me back into its gracious womb. Since we lowered the price, it seems we are closer to selling the farm, closer to leaving. I am in a flow, it is good. What if my life were perfect, all of it, leading right up to now. I’ve never had less money or more wealth. In the morning, I close my eyes, take the dogs on the path, and I feel the embrace of my farm, I close my eyes and I am in a slow dance, our arms around one another, feeling one another so close, swaying back and forth.

I do love you, the farm whispers to me. I thank you for saving me, for bringing me back to life. And I whisper back, I thank you for saving me, for bringing me back to life.

29 June

Dusk. Hebron Road. Getting Closer

by Jon Katz
Dusk. Hebron Road

Four years ago, I decided that I did not wish to live in fear. I am getting closer to accomplishing that goal, one of the great remaining goals of my life. Fear will always be a part of me, and it will not, I think, ever be completely gone. But it is not invading my nights for the first time in six decades, and only fleetingly occurs during the day. It is odd, exciting. I’ve been to therapists, spiritual counselors, acupuncturists, done meditation, some yoga, prayers, talked to ministers, priests and rabbis, taken and abandoned countless pills, read Bibles and volumes of the Kabbalah, developed an intense spiritual practice that is the center of my life, along with my great love for Maria.

I have learned to walk through fear. It is a geography, a space to cross. Although many of us live in fear, fear is not reality. It is the space between us and the reality of our lives, or at least of mine. There are many things to be concerned about in life, but I have never been afraid of the things that were dangerous to me, only the things other people told me were dangerous to me.

I was sitting with a group of people the other night, and they were talking about the foolish old men who never go to see doctors and take their tests and pills until it is too late. I wondered if they knew they were talking about me. In all of their stories, the men suffered awful injuries and deaths because they had chosen to avoid what we call the health care system. What, I wondered, if those men made good choices for themselves, good trade-offs good decisions about their lives and bodies. What if they were right?

This is the path of fear, I think it presents us with so many external commands, pleas, demands and choices, many of them those of other people. If we don’t make them, we are almost never presumed to have been correct, or made the best decisions for us. This is how fear works, I think. You just never get to be yourself.

I am getting there, moving closer.  The fear that overwhelmed me and nearly killed me is leaching out of me, and I would surely rather die that live in it again.

29 June

This Couch Thing

by Jon Katz
This Couch Thing

So here’s the couch thing. Dogs are not allowed on our sofas except for the old sofa Lenore has adopted in the middle of the living room. She loves it. I was astonished to see Red join her this morning, so he could be closer to my chair on his right. Lenore has no problems with it. I thought of calling him off, but like so many people who love their dogs bend these rules. Nobody gets on the Victorian sofa and it was pretty sweet to see the two of them sharing a couch.

Email SignupFree Email Signup