I am always learning about myself, understanding my emotions, my thoughts. I would think I would know me by now, but I don't really, not fully. I learn from Maria, who is honest with me, and from people's responses to me. I am learning that the selling of Bedlam Farm has been an emotional roller-coaster for me. I see it is upsetting to me to be leaving here, and I see the process of selling the farm has been both painful and disturbing in ways that have surprised me.
It isn't that I don't want to move. I can't wait to move to the new Bedlam Farm.
For the first six months or so after the farm was put up for sale, nobody came to look at it. We are in a different phase now. I can see the real estate market is coming to life. More and more people are coming to see the farm, consider buying it, and I have felt strongly that I should be here when they come – to answer their questions, tell them the stories of the farm and the barns. This is the hard part for me. I love the farm so much it is painful for me when other people do not.
There are the city people – mostly New Yorkers that I just want to strangle, bristling with attitude and afraid to show any real emotion lest it cost them money. I don't want them to live here.
Many of the people who come do seem to love the farm, ask me all sorts of questions about it, and I feel a strong connection to them. Too strong a connection, I think. I connect with people easily, perhaps too easily. But most often, the people who come to see the farm simply go away and never call or tell the realtor what they are feeling and doing. Some of them are just curious – they have read my books or the blog and they just want to see the place. Others are browsing, thinking of moving and buying a place but not sure. Maria and others tell me this is perfectly normal in real estate sales. They tell me I feel a personal connection to the farm and its potential buyers but other people don't and I shouldn't keep expecting them to. Looking at houses is all business to them.
Of course this is true. I see it now. I'm really amazed I didn't see it all along. But the farm is not business to me. It never has been and isn't now. But other people don't need to feel what I feel. From now on, I will not engage potential buyers, not bring my own emotions into the process, be more businesslike myself. Makes me sad somehow, I feel I'm giving up something, but I know it's right. I appreciate learning about myself. Every day. Maria points out that when someone does buy the farm, that's the time to get to know them, make a connection. So that's what I'll do.