Red was watching the sheep carefully when Lulu came over, I suspect to try and drive him off. She gets irritated when the sheep are bothered, and is protective with them, although gentle about it. Red never took his eyes off the sheep, stared right through her legs. Lulu was nonplussed, then moved off. (This was an Iphone 5 photo).
When Maria and I were in Disney World a few years ago, she went into a store to buy some presents for her family, and I sat down on a bench to soak up the sun. It was our first winter together, and it had been cold and lonely, as our friends all seemed to melt away after our divorces. Most people, I have learned, tend to run from trouble not because they are uncaring, but because they don’t know what to do our say. The winter had been brutally cold and filled with storms and we were so happy to run around in the warm Florida sun, our only big decision being where and what to eat for dinner.
It was our first vacation, our first trip together and I felt happy to be there. I noticed a man roughly my age sitting on the bench, and his wife was also in the store. She seemed Maria’s age, which was to say she was about 15 years younger than us. I was in my early sixties, and so, I guessed was my benchmate, a fit and ramrod straight man with a U.S. Navy Cap. We talked easily. We had both gotten divorced late in life, both finding partners and both were somewhat younger. We were both so happy we couldn’t stop smiling at one another, telling each other the stories of our lives. We connected.
At one point, he turned to me and patted me on the arm, and he said, “aren’t we lucky? We are both so happy to be with our wives.” We tapped each other on the arm, two contented members of a secret society. He had been the commander of a destroyer, he said. Now, he just traveled the world with his wife. He was retired. I was not, I said, I couldn’t imagine it but was happy for him. The man smiled every time he mentioned his wife’s name. It is so rare to see people who admit to being happy, we just enjoyed each others company. He had been watching Maria and I as we spent a long time trying to buy bracelets for one another at a machine off of the walkway. He spotted another Older Man. When his wife came out, he turned to me and smiled. “Let’s not screw this up,” he said, and he took his wife’s arm and walked away.
There is a community, a fraternity of older men, especially those in relationships with women who are younger. Maria is in late middle-age, she is not a kid but those years do make a difference. There is a poignant sweetness about these relationships, about being the Older Man. At my age, I was expected to fade away and go to line dances at my condo. I did not expect to find love again, and when you are older, it means something very dear, as we may not get all that many more chances.
In America, Older Men are rarely seen or heard, outside of Washington arguments. In the movies or on television, they no longer exist, except when they are concerned about their cholesterol or having friendly chats with their doctor. The captain and I were not buying that image, we were not melting away.
The Older Man brings some special things to a relationship. He is calmer than younger men, has seen more, has some sense of experience and a way of looking at the world with humor. He is more patient, more empathetic. I have been told that Older Men are often sensitive lovers, we care more for our partners than us. I hope it is true. We have seen many things many times for many years, and life and human nature does not surprise us the way it does younger people.
We know it is harder to be young sometimes than older. As an older man, I give thanks every day for finding Maria, whose radiant spirit pulled me out of the darkest holes and brought me into the light. She knows things I don’t know, I know things she doesn’t know. We step through life together.
Sometimes, it is sad being an Older Man. There are things Maria can do that I can no longer do – climb up the barn ladder to toss hay bales down, snowshoe on snowy hillsides, climb up a tall ladder to paint things or fix windows. Older Men worry about their younger wives having to take care of them, and wish to spare them that. Older Men are closer to the edge of life, and we know that it is most likely that we will have to leave the love we have found behind, leave the people we love alone, at least for awhile. Being older offers a different perspective than being younger sometimes, we are just closer to the end. We can smell it, even if it is not near. Sometimes you see yourself in the actions of others. In the Dunkin Donut cashier who offers an unwanted senior discount for a muffin. In the teenager at the hardware store who offers to help me carry a bag of salt ice to the car. In my knees squawk when I get up out of a soft chair. In the pills and tests the Older Men are always told they need to take. You have to work to keep your dignity.
Most of the time, it is the happiest experience in the world. We are humbled by life, grateful for being loved. We cherish every day of our lives. Maria has such a joy for life, it is infectious. How could any experience be younger than that? She is strong and loving, creative and supportive. For us, the age difference has worked in the most meaningful way for even though she is just a babe at 49, we fit together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. I have learned in my life with her to be patient, to be more open and generous. I accept my life, am finding my own truth. I don’t believe this would be happening without her, and so I am very grateful for the gifts of the Older Man. It is a proud title. I often think of my Disney World friend, the captain. I never knew his name, but I will always remember his caution: I will not screw it up.
I think many of us have wondered how we would handle being paralyzed in a wheelchair, unable to move from the neck down. What would it be like to love a person so grievously impaired? What would it be like to fall in love and be in that chair? What kind of love would it be? “Me Before You” by Jojo Moyes (fiction, Viking books) is a great heartbreaker of a book. A love story, with lots of original twists and turns. Bring tissues. Read it early, as you may end up staying late to finish it, as I did.
Louisa Clark is the poster child for ordinary. An ordinary young girl in an ordinary English town dating a dull and ordinary boyfriend. She has few expectations for life, and life has even fewer for her. As this story begins, Louisa’s life is suddenly upended when she loses her ordinary job in a cafe. As a key breadwinner for her anxious family – her father expects to be laid off any second – Louisa reluctantly accepts a job caretaking Will Traynor, who is the opposite of ordinary. He is a former Master Of The Universe until a motorcycle accident left him an embittered quadriplegic, trapped in his parent’s mansion, dependent on others for everything. In a way, this is an old and familiar British literary obsession, (they are class obsessed) the flower girl falling for the Lord. But Moyes takes the story in a completely new and different direction.
Until his accident, handsome young Traynor had it all, a wildly successful business career, life as an adventurer, travel and sex. And then he lost it all. Now, he is in constant pain, subject to a life of sores and infections, medications and precautions. Will is always on the edge of trouble – pneumonia, breathing, circulation problems. We read many stories about quadriplegics living full and meaning lives, but Will Traynor is not one of them. He wants his old life back and cannot accept his suffering and helplessness, barely deigning to go outside or even speak much to his worried parents. We first meet him soon after his lovely but air-brained ex-fiancee shows up clumsily with her new husband-to-be. She had dumped Will soon after the accident.
Lou is not a natural caretaker. She is outspoken, independent, funny, oddly dressed. Partly because she is so different, she brings Will out of his shell. Theirs is a sparky, confrontational but very honest relationship, growing by the page. As Lou and Will become closer, Louisa’s narcisstic boyfriend Patrick – he is obsessed with entering athletic competitions – becomes jealous. One of the very few flaws in this book is the existence of Patrick the boyfriend, who is so witless and unappealing (especially when compared to the handsome, brilliant, deeply troubled Will) that his only purpose for existing has to be to make it clear that Lou needs to fall in love with Will and get away from him. The first time we met Patrick, we know he’s a goner.
The nature of Louisa’s job and her life deepens when she discovered that Will plans to take himself to a controversial but legal clinic in Switzerland were doctors help terminally ill or severely disabled people kill themselves. Louisa was hired for six months, and she realizes to her horror that the family hopes she will be able to convince Will to stay alive. At that point, the book lifts off, rocking along somewhere between a love story and a social thriller. Lou and Will change each other. She brings him out of his bitter and closed shell, he opens her up to music, the idea of travel, books and new experience. The ordinary girl is not so ordinary any more, the bitter recluse begins to enjoy life.
This book is rich and multi-dimensional, there are strong portrayals of Louisa’s quarrelsome but loving and sacrificing family, Will’s loving but tense and controlling mother, the faithful nurse-helper Nathan. Will has withdrawn inside of himself since the accident. Louisa gets him to come out. He gets her to do the same. In so many ways, that is the nature of real love.
The book also vividly explores the painful and controversial issue of euthanasia, the legal assisted killing of human beings. Euthanasia has long been a heresy and taboo in America, but there are several countries in Europe that allow doctors to help people die in certain cases. In “Me Before You,” euthanasia is an explosive political issue, the very idea tearing Lou’s family apart. Moyes gives us a penetrating look into the different ways a family can feel about it, along with the question of just how much freedom do we really have to shape our life and our death? I found myself going back and forth, rooting for Will to be permitted to die, hoping he would decide to live. I will not, of course, give that decision away.
Louisa becomes obsessed with saving Will, getting him to accept love. She wants to save him and comes to believe his love for her might give him the motive he needs. It’s a lot for a human being to take on, and it is, in many ways selfish. Will wants and need to live for himself, not for somebody else. They travel to an exotic Mediterranean island, her first trip overseas, his first since the accident. They fall openly and deeply in love? Can she save him? Will he change his decision to quit a life he can’t accept for her?
Moyes also does a great job of putting us inside the head and life of a severely impaired person struggling to find a role for him or herself in a busy and distracted world. She challenges us not to look away from the people we fear becoming and to be mindful of their challenges in moving among us. It evokes this sometimes hidden world.
This book is not really an issue book. Mostly it is a great read from beginning to end. Will and Louisa are two great characters at the heart of a sob story, Shakespearean and hovering on the edge of tragedy. Old Will would have turned this story into a play in a heartbeat. The book asks a lot of questions about love. What would you sacrifice for love? What do you do when making the person you love happy means shattering your own heart? What do you owe the person you love? Tragedy hovers. Despite the issues the book raises, it is a barn burner of a love story. It will pull you in.
– If you want to purchase this book, please consider buying it at your local independent bookstore or via Battenkill Books, my local bookstore. You can call them at 518 677-2515, e-mail Connie Brooks at [email protected] or visit their website – www. battenkillbooks.com – they take PayPal and ship anywhere in the world. If money is a concern, the book will be out in paperback next year and it is available in digital form. I appreciated buying this one in paper because I knew I would want to read it now – it is getting great buzz – and pass it on. I do.
Every day now, there’s a traffic jam at the pasture gate when Red goes out to work. Flo is the first one out, complaining loudly to Red about one thing or another. He ignores her, she is not a sheep, therefore has no place in his universe. The chickens offer a chorus.
