17 January

Money And Me. Episode One.

by Jon Katz
Dealing With Money
Dealing With Money

After my meltdown a few years ago, I decided to write openly and honestly about my experience with fear. It was good for me, and I also felt it was healthy for other people to see someone like me dealing with it. Writing about fear has been one of the most creative and satisfying elements in my life, so helpful to me, and perhaps, to some others. I’ve decided to do the same thing with money. Money, like fear, is a huge issue in people’s lives. I think all of us are dealing with in one way or another. I hope it could be helpful to others if I share this part of my life, as I have shared others.

People often talk about the  need to have a healthy relationship with money. I have not had one. When I was young, I ran wild, unobserved, unchecked. I stole money all the time, spent it all the time. I grew up like wolf child in many ways. I set fire to things, fired rifles out of windows, skipped school, hid in the woods and bushes. I never learned how to deal with money. In my long first marriage, I rarely handled money or knew much about it. If I was disturbed, I was also successful. I always made enough money to do what I wanted, enough to never really learn how money worked, how to manage it, or be disciplined about it. Five years ago, my marriage ended, and the recession arrived and publishing changed and I was suddenly, at at age 60, the Chief Financial Officer of my own life. My timing was either wondrous or awful, I’m not yet sure.

I found that I was terrified about money. I had no idea how to live with it.  I tried to hide from our wonderful bookkeeper Anne, because I was afraid of what she would tell me. She scared me to death. She knew how much money I had, I didn’t.

I was afraid to look at my bank statement, walk to the mailbox and receive bills, look at my credit card expenses, create budgets or be aware of my spending. This began to change but the external pressures – e-books, declining royalties, the cost of Bedlam Farm, and then the cost of two farms. It was no longer possible for me to hide from the realities of money. I have been learning a lot about money. I think so differently about it now.

Before, I wouldn’t charge for speaking engagements. Now I do. I wouldn’t accept contributions to the blog. Or ads. I never bartered for things. I gave away my work – photos, books. I was grandiose, I suppose. I had money for so long, I had assistants, secretaries, was driven to work in limos, vacationed in Europe, rented houses in Cape Cod.

In our culture, money and fear are manipulated in many ways. Money is the big news in America, it is discussed all of the time.  In the Corporate Nation, money is our national religion and we are taught all the time that the worst thing in the world is to not have plenty of it lying around.This notion is good for Wall Street, not for our peace of mind or personal well-being.

Technology has opened up our financial lives to just about everybody, and a late car payment can terrify even the most responsible consumer. Our troubles are instantly known and transmitted, there is no breathing room. We are made to fear money – especially not having a lot of it or not paying our bills precisely on time. And so we do fear money.

In my case, I am learning to deal with it directly. I have learned that fear feeds on hiding and running. The more you know, the safer you feel. I look at my bank account,  as often as necessary. I’ve disabled the automatic bill pay accounts so that I can see my bills and control the payments. I’ve opened myself up to earning revenue rather than run or hid from it. Maria and I have begun working on finances together, it seems unhealthy to me when one spouse or another handles all of the records, all of the money, even if that is very appealing to me sometimes.

I am more open about money, as I am about fears. I talk about it with people. I have mentioned it on the blog. I have put the fearful pride aside, and if I am having issues with money, I say so. I understand that with money, panic is no more effective than it is with anything else. It doesn’t work. I’ve learned that banks and financial institutions are not the enemy.  My bankers have helped me out, I have learned from them. Most of the people around all of us are dealing with financial issues of one kind or another. My accountant tells me that 100 per cent of his clients are struggling this year. So the lesson is this: as with fear, we are not alone. We don’t have to hide. There are several important issues for me, and most of them are internal, not external. They have to do with taking responsibility for my life. I can’t blame the banks for that.

I have needed to be open to receiving money as well as spending it. I am not embarrassed now to be paid for my work – the contribution button, the ads. I am excited about the prospect of figuring money out. I am moving well along with monetizing this precious blog, it is perhaps the most valuable thing I own. I no longer turn up my nose at Rite-Aid but Maria and I go in for the Wednesday specials – buy one, get one free. I am bartering for a number of things in my life, including my offering some writing lessons. I love teaching writing, I love bartering, another thing I never did and now love to do. Saves a lot of money also. When I created bedlamfarm.com I saw the future coming, more than I knew and I am grateful I did.

I have three e-books coming out this year. I am going where my readers are, I will chase them to the ends of the information world. We can fix a lot of things we used to hire people to do. Maria has me on a food shopping budget, the first in my life. No vacations for awhile.

I never want money to be the most important thing in my life, but I don’t want to be afraid of it either. I am feeling better about money. I am building a relationship with it.  I am looking forward to understanding it, handling it, making some more. It is now a creative challenge for me, and I love creative challenges. As before, I don’t wish to live in fear. It accomplishes nothing, it is destructive and self-defeating. So I’m going to try and figure money out, and I will share the process. I hope it is helpful, I mean it to be.

17 January

Watching Out For Me: The Big Red Dog

by Jon Katz
The Big Red Dog
The Big Red Dog

I’ve had the Big Red Dog for more than six months, and I have gotten use to having his eye upon me wherever I go. When I sit down to eat, he is by my side. When I write, he is underfoot. When I go to town, he comes with me everywhere. I keep saying, Red, you don’t have to get up and follow me when I go from one room to another. But he does. I love that about Red. He is faithful, he keeps an eye on me, and I caught this eye this morning when I was coming into one end of the barn, and of course, he was on the other end watching out for me.

17 January

Finding Your Passion: Living Your Life

by Jon Katz
Living Your Life
Living Your Life

Passion is the antidote to fear and anger and resignation, at least in my life. When I am discouraged, worried, drained, I look for my passion. I look inward. I take a photograph, kiss my wife, herd the sheep with Red, take a walk, read a good book, write something a good book, do a good work, call a friend. Passion is the ship that cuts through the choppy sea, the light that brightens the dark mornings, that lifts my camera, that moves my fingers that lightens my soul. Every day, I ask myself what can I create? What light can I find? What person can I encourage?

This is not selfless, it is profoundly selfish. I do it for me, each photo, each idea, each word is for me. Each moment of passion gives me strength, melts fear and confusion, reminds me of what is important. We are all, I believe, endowed with the creative spark. In the Kabbalah, God warns people that the only thing they have to fear in life, from him or themselves, is if they fail to light or listen to the creative spark given to all of us. I think of this spark every day, it is my fuel. It is my passion.

17 January

Contributing to bedlamfarm.com. Supporting My Work

by Jon Katz
Supporting bedlamfarm.com
Supporting bedlamfarm.com

A big step for me personally, and a very healthy step forward for this blog today. The good people at Mannix Marketing, the creators of this blog from the first and my partners in helping it grow, have installed a Contributions Button at the top of the Bedlam Farm Journal page. Those who wish can contribute any amount they choose through PayPal. This was a difficult step for me, and I was much encouraged by the many messages from you berating me for taking so long and making a fuss about it. Thank you. If NPR can do it, I can do it.

Blogs were, until recently considered an optional luxury. No more. Blogs are central to the work of writers, they are a way of connecting with readers, a vital element in personal expression and creativity. I take mine very seriously. My blog began on Memorial Day of 2007. It is seen by many people all over the world – several million views a year. Social media has added a new element, and this month, I expect to pass 10,000 likes on Facebook. It is my great work, I believe.

I want to be clear about some things though. Contributions will go to support the costs of my photography, the maintenance of the blog and the time it takes to do the writing. It has all gotten more expensive, and publishing has not gotten more profitable, much as I love it. Contributions are a more comfortable option that subscription fees or other charges. The contributions will help me continue the blog and made it better. They will also permit me to keep the blog free of charge for those who can’t contribute or don’t wish to.  I welcome any contributions and thank you for them.

I think this is a step forward also in terms of my own health and perspective. As a sometime big shot – see what happens when they make a movie about you – I have sometimes struggled with the reality of my life and money.  I wrote recently of myself that I have realized that fairies will not drop from the sky and pay my bills. Time to get authentic.  But there are many good fairies out there, and they have been helping me all along in many ways.

So it is a big deal and not a big deal. It seems like a wonderful thing to me, having stubbornly resisted it for some years now. I am learning all the time. I love this blog and I will never quit putting my photos up, writing just about every day and working to make it better. It is my living memoir. When I began the blog, I promised to share my life and be open. I will honor that pledge.  Thanks, thanks, thanks for being here, whether you can contribute or not.

Email SignupFree Email Signup