I told Simon he needed to pose with the Iphone 5 so I could write about his efforts to eat the phone and digest Siri, my digital assistant and keeper of my appointments and reminders. Being an ass, he tried to eat the Iphone 5 again, and I saw this in the viewfinder and snatched it out of his grasp. You would think I would be learning by now. Simon loves the yellow case and he grabbed it out of my pocket this morning – that is where I often stuff carrots for him – and we had a bit of a messy wrassle before I reached in and pulled it out of his mouth. A donkey's mouth is not the most pleasant place to be, and while I did keep him from biting down – he is very gentle in his own way if always very hungry – I got my shirt and arm slimed pretty good.
The good news is that the Iphone 5 is fine. Nothing lost, nothing damaged. The case has a few nicks, but nothing I can't live with. There's not a scratch on the glass. Steve Jobs, wherever you are, that gorilla glass is tough stuff. I can't imagine there are too many Iphones that have been eaten by donkeys and were checking e-mail a few minutes later. I do regret that there weren't a few nicks – how cool to tell people they came from a donkeys' teeth.
Good on you, Steve. I love you always and give thanks for you often. I took the phone out to the barn to relay the happy ending of this tale – I have lost many a cell phone to toilets, storms, muddy paths, photo sessions, but never to a donkey – and I put the phone on the ledge, hoping just to get a photo of the phone. I thought Simon was out in the pasture. As I looked in the camera viewfinder I saw that Simon had suddenly appeared with his posse and was about to make another run at the phone. You can see it for yourself. He was going for the whole thing. I grabbed it.
"What is wrong with you?," I hissed at him. "You have fresh hay, carrots, apples, oat and bran cookies, you are spoiled rotten and stuffed with food and you want to eat an Iphone?" I waited for this phone a long time, I told him, and it carries a good chunk of my life and work inside of it, not to mention Siri, who is, I said, much more useful to me than you are. Then I felt bad for saying that. Simon was just being a donkey, and is good at it. And we love each other. I came out and pressed my forehead to his, and he snorted and his lips quivered, as donkeys do when they are content. The Iphone was in my back pocket. Donkeys do not feel regret or shame. I am the ass.