The pastures wrap all around the house, and we often have nice views of the animals grazing or sitting on the grass. Today’s view was a little more exciting than usual. I was interested to see that all of the barnyard animals except for the cats – chickens, sheep, donkeys, were hanging out together, Spring is whispering its presence. Then I saw why there was so much braying this morning. Simon, who is gelded but doesn’t quite know it, was chasing Lulu around and the two of them were having their donkey shenigans – braying, teeth-showing, mounting – out in the pasture. This happens once or twice a month, but I’ve never got a photo of it. I didn’t mean to today either, I didn’t realize what was happening until I saw the photo on the computer. But hey, open is open.
All my life I have admired strong women. Perhaps I romanticize them, I understand women are no more perfect than men, yet I have always found them stronger in many ways, mixing strength with nurture, love with endurance. I love these cows I photograph sometimes on Million Acres Farm. Like the other strong women I photograph, they are not afraid of the camera. They dare me to photograph them and look at me with the same intensity and curiousity that I look at them.
My mother was a strong woman surrounded by weak men who undercut her and thwarted her creativity and great ambition. Her struggle to find a place in the world for her many real gifts destroyed her, and damaged many of the people around her. My wife is a strong woman who seeks a place in the world for her creative work, and unlike my mother, she has endured and struggled and found a place in the world for her man real gifts. In my work, I always look for strong women, and I celebrate them.
My notions about strong men in the world have changed. Many men think they are strong by being stubborn, controlling, angry and rigid. But they are weak men. Real men, strong men, are supportive husbands, loving fathers, warriors for love and compassion and connection. These cows and I get along. If you stand up to strong women and look them in the eye, and listen to them and do what they tell you to do, they will love you back.
I’ve come to see that the most important thing in my life, the focal point of my work and emotions, the most powerful and natural instinct within me is connection. Connection, I think, is what I’ve always wanted, what we all want. If you ask anyone about connection says Dr. Brene Brown, they will tell you about disconnection. If you ask people about love, they will tell you about heartbreak. If you ask people about dreams, they will tell you about their nightmares. People often speak of the things that are the opposite of what they want and need.
If you think of the people you know, if you think of people and animals, this idea, this need for connection is palpable. When we connect, we feel nourished, secure and hopeful. When we don’t – when we see or feel anger, hatred, judgment – we feel uneasy, uncomfortable. Whenever I look at the stories from Washington, and this is becoming increasingly rare for me, I see these tableaus of disconnection. No one talking to one another, no one listening, no one connection. It doesn’t feel good, it is disturbing. It doesn’t feel any better than it looks, even as disconnection seems to be addictive and many people are drawn to it, while I think connection is not.
No wonder our need for animals has exploded, our need to connect with them, rescue them, share our lives with them. They are doing the connective work of people for so many. Connection is how humans are hard-wired, it is part our genetics, our neural system. When we fail to connect, the natural order of the world is broken. And we find it where we can.
I believe that connection occurred for me when I am open to it. When I began to feel worthy of it. When I did not feel worthy of it, it did not happen. I was ashamed of myself, I felt I was repugnant to people. If I think of the people I know, this is also what I see – people who yearn for connection and don’t have it feel they are not deserving of it; people who do feel worthy of it seem to find it.
As I began to believe – I have many therapists, counselors, shamans and friends to thank for this change – that I was worthy of connection, that I deserved it, that it was essential to me, I began to find it. Maria entered my life. I began to have completely new and different relationships with animals – Rose, Simon, Rocky, Red, Frieda. I began to connect with people – new and good friends – in ways I had not before, and I felt worthy of that, entitled to that, deserving of that.
Connection is not a notion, I think, it is the point of us.
The chickens and Minnie the barn cat had their afternoon meeting to discuss the Sequester, and how it will affect them and the farm. The gray chicken says there will be less corn and no water for most of the day, and that the coop will be sold to a religous order in Costa Rica. Strut says that is all a lie, and that nothing will change except that the farm will be leaner and more efficient and responsible. Minnie, weary of the debate, went to sleep. The debate resumes today at the afternoon meeting. Details at 4, and then again, at 6, and then, again every minute until Sunday noon. If you would like the latest news of the sequester, send $5 to feel frustrated, angry and confused, and we will update you every minute of every hour until death or political agreement, whichever comes first.
Ghost barns. Some barns loom over the road, some frame the old farmhouses. Others – I call them ghost barns – sit off in the fields, spirit barns, I think, left behind many years ago but still present. Perhaps waiting.
