Every morning, the donkeys line up for what I call their Donkey Brush, they love to be groomed, they especially love to have their hind quarters brushed, they line up patiently, wait their turn, stand quietly. It is the first thing we do each morning, Fanny is waiting for me, Maria is taking care of Simon and Lulu.
Our anniversary plans seem a bit like the Cyclone Ride on Coney Island. Started with a grumpy innkeeper in Massachusetts, veered off into Lyme Disease, headed for Vermont, and now, we are about to board a train for New York City to go see a movie about Hannah Arendt, the great writer and moral philosopher and a scholar of morality and the holocaust. I woke up in the middle of the might and wondered at myself – is this really fun, going to see a movie about morality and the Holocaust on your anniversary?
Sounded a little grim to me, taking oneself too seriously is a sin in my religion. And definitely an odd anniversary celebration. But I had to laugh, that’s the thing about Maria and I. We woke up laughing, the sun is out in the morning for the first time in weeks, me teasing her about an interminable dream, we love the train ride down the Hudson into New York, we love trips to just about anywhere together, I am happy to see my daughter Emma, who is leaving her big-shot baseball blogging job early to join us for the movie and a quick dinner. I am debating, as usual, whether to bring my camera, I am thinking of those shots on the Lower East Side.
This will be a curious anniversary, a memorable one. A sweet one, too, for many reasons. Soon I will be on the train, looking out at the abandoned mansions on the islands of the Hudson, meditating to the sound of the rails, listening to the new and very innovative Kanye West CD “Yee-zus” (I love it so far), reading “Translatlantic,” a new novel by Colum McCann. Most of the way, I will be holding the hand of my girl and thanking the world for its many gifts to me, two of which I will be dining with. It will be nice to see Hannah, too, we have been talking to one another for many years.
So yeah, it is a lot of fun, and in its own weird way, the perfect anniversary.
It is not easy to train humans to give you cookies. They are distractable, fickle things, stubborn and independent, but they are curious and affectionate when it is reinforced. First you have to bray softly but repeatedly when they appear. You have to use your big brown eyes and stare at them, make eye contact. They are stubborn, but not as stubborn as donkeys. Don’t let up on the braying, especially when they are near the cookie bag in the barn. Cluster together and look a bit piteous, a bit needy.
When they approach, up the braying a bit. Look excited, even do the smiley thing – that melts them, they say “awwwww,” and they are yours. Be consistent. Humans are creatures of habit, you have to make them think they are in charge, that everything is your idea. Be sure to reinforce the behavior, brays, ears moving around. Humans love to brush donkeys, talk to them, even sing to them. This is called bonding, it leads to cookies, carrots and lots of attention. Training humans requires patience, positive reinforcement, and above all else, a sense of humor. Humans have a rich history of being cruel and being mistreated. But these days, people with donkeys are apt to be nice to them, put them in green pastures with little or no work. For a donkey, that is pretty great. Rescuing them, giving them the chance to be good to us is a noble thing to do, our work in many ways. Treat humans kindly, it will make us better donkeys.
Lenore is offering a series of relax classes, she is beyond Yoga or Tai-Chi. She has experience in years of loving strangers, wagging her tail, finding and rolling in unspeakable things and resting in between on her own sofa under her own portrait, as befitting the Hound Of Love.
First, of course, you need your own sofa in a quiet room a bit out of the way. You have to train the other dogs and people to stay off it. Get into a corner, and wiggle onto your back. All hands and feet up, preferably one or more sticking up into the air. Breath deeply, snore regularly, dream of beef jerky or walking behind a donkey or sheep. Take mudbaths. That is just lesson one.
