1 July

Dreams And Reality: What I Am, Not What I Want

by Jon Katz
Who I Am
Who I Am

I am haunted sometimes by dreams and their grip on me and my imagination, on their impact on other people, on their place in our lives. Dreams are so important. They are so dangerous. They can be so misleading and elusive. They can be so selfish and self-absorbing. I am especially concerned with the difference between dreams and reality, and the painful realization that the most important dreams are not about what I want, where I go, what I buy.

They are about who I am. They are internal, not external, they are selfless, not narcissistic, they are difficult and complex to sort out and face. They have more to do with truth and reality than they do with heroics, acquisitions and adventures. In a way I have been writing about dreams for years. Running to the mountain. Buying Bedlam Farm. Searching for love. Conquering fear. Living with animals. Finding courage and strength in the beautiful mountains.

One of the dangerous things about sharing dreams is that one can so easily manipulate people, especially people who are struggling with their lives and work, disconnected from nature, frustrated in their lives. It is always simple to find people who will tell you to do what you want and praise you for it. Your dreams become their dreams, and writers are inherently manipulative people, it is so easy to present yourself as heroic, brave, fearless and determined. People love dreams that are implausible, beyond reach, too expensive, challenging. If they can’t have them, they can live through yours. They love dreams so much that they sometimes support them blindly, as I came to do.

Dreams can be as false as they can be inspiring.

More and more, my dreams became questions.

Is it noble to want things I don’t need and buy things I can’t afford?

Do dreams promote narcissism and self-absorption, the idea that everything I do is

noble and worthwhile?

Are dreams that pulled me away from human connection really noble and admirable?

What is the line between dreams and reality, things that are worth pursuing, things that are not?

Which is nobler, to pursue what you want, or to understand who you are, even if it often means not getting what you want?

Is is nobler to live your life, or to leave it behind?

I have a friend who decided to pursue his dream at all costs, sailing across the South Seas in a sailboat, even though it meant leaving his family, buying a boat he couldn’t afford, side-tracking a career he had worked hard to built. Everywhere he went, he was hailed as a hero, some people gave him money, he got letters urging him on, telling him how brave and wonderful he was. It is easy to find people who will cheer you on your dreams, harder to find people who will challenge you. I cheered him. Follow your heart. Find your bliss.  My friend came to believe his dreams.  A year later, the boat was gone, damaged in a storm, and so was his marriage, the trust of his children, all of the money he had gotten, and his career.  His amen chorus was gone too, off on another dream chase. Was this dream noble, worth pursuing? I don’t know, he will have to decide that for himself. Was it noble? I don’t think so, any more than I was.

This is close to my heart as I spent a lifetime pursuing dreams. My cabin. My farm. A life with animals. Photography was a dream, too, in many ways and so was writing. When Ieft my family to live on Bedlam Farm, I was hailed as a hero, in interviews, e-mails, letters. People sent me more gifts than I could store, TV crews came from all over the country to ask me about my brave life, they made a movie about me.

But it wasn’t so simple. My dream was beautiful, powerful, very destructive. Like my friend, it ended my marriage, took my money, left me alone and surrounded by all sorts of enablers who helped me delude myself about my life long past reason. Those dreams are gone, I am happier than I have ever been, and, I hope, more honest. My life is real, it is not a dream. It is good, it is not a crisis or a drama. There are no heroics in it, unless you consider living a life a brave thing.

So what is the point?  It is this, really, dreams are beautiful, dreams are wonderful, my heart stirs at the very mention of dreams. But dreams and reality often conflict, collide. The people who tell you how wonderful you are are not always your friends. Your real friends might try to tell you things you don’t want to hear, and listening to them is painful and difficult. But important.

I see dreams differently now, especially as so many dreams I never even thought of or pursued have come true for me. Dreams are not about what I buy or where I go.  They are not about being heroic, taking risks, living a disconnected and fragmented life. They are sometimes those things for sure, but for me, the most significant dream was inside of me. It was about learning who I am. Learning to see reality. Living within the boundaries of a life I can sustain. Standing in my truth. Finding out who I am. Finding human connection, and love, and yes, living in nature, living with animals.  I don’t need to be heroic or brave. I don’t need to dream impossible dreams, I don’t need a life that requires the support of other people.

The most powerful dream for me was one I wasn’t aware of. A meaningful life  is about honesty and simplicity, love and connection, peace and contentment. You need to know where you are in life and who you are. For me, this is the most powerful dream of them all. And I don’t need anything but my own mind and soul to chase it, day and night, everywhere I go.

 

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