Simon dressed up in his Red Hat to stand by the gate at the Royal Baby Debut this morning, he looked every bit the stylish ass that he is. This Red Hat was purchased by me in hip Portland – some of you may remember it. It is not considered a smart hat to wear around Washington County, New York, I expect somebody would shoot it right off the top of my hat, so I gave it to Simon for the Princess Lenore Royal ceremonies this morning. I think it looks better on him than on me, truthfully. I think I’ll cut some holes in it for the ears.
I have to confess to Ioving the Royal Baby, and following it closely. It is a miraculous conception, it seems, the parents did not look anything like me and my former wife when we had a baby, we were bedraggled, smelly, rumpled, sweaty and terrified, and I don’t remember cheering crowds. This is different. I am happy for the Royal Baby, he even has a good job lined up. I have read almost every book about the stolid reign of Elizabeth II and her family and I have closely followed the birth of George Alexander Louis. My wife does not share my enthusiasm for the Royal Baby, she told me to stop bothering her about it.
I am very happy to announce that Bedlam Farm has a Royal Baby also, and you may know her as The Love Dog. This is her first official portrait, taken by the Royal Photographer of Bedlam Farm, who placed a dog biscuit on the top of his head to help focus Her Majesty’s attention on her coming out as she sat for her first official portrait.
I can now reveal the true story of Lenore Alexandre Finklestein – H.R.M.S.H. Lady Hound Of Love – also known as the Royal Baby of Bedlam Farm. Although she was born nearly eight years ago, the birth of George Alexander Louis inspired us to reveal her title and true identity to the world. You might have guessed from her royal demeanor that she had blue blood. This ceremony this morning was performed in front of border collies, sheep, donkeys, gnats, horse flies, mosquitoes, barn cats and chickens on the veranda of the royal homestead, known locally as Castle Bedlam Farm 2.0, or locally – Florence’s Place.
The Royal Baby’s existence was announced, as is the custom, just after dawn, when chicken droppings were cleared off the platform, the dessicated heads of mice were discreetly brushed aside, donkeys brayed and left enormous piles of manure, and a dog biscuit embedded in a chicken potholder was hoisted on the flagpole. As is the custom, the Royal border collie opened the pasture gate, and chased the sheep in circles for a bit before returning and panting. The Royal Baby is in excellent health, and we can report that just before dawn, and after a full day of eating not-yet-ripe apples that fell off of the apple tree, the Royal Baby came up into the Royal Bed, wagged her tail, belched grandly, licked a toe and threw up a number of these apples onto the newly-laundered bedspread.
Traditionally, this signifies that the Baby is healthy, and there was much resulting clucking, baaahing and braying in the courtyard in celebration. The family is very happy and very proud. What’s next for the Royal Baby Of Bedlam Farm? Please stay tuned as coverage is really only just beginning of this remarkable life.
