How did a dog ever open his heart
and give to my world
all of his love?
Our hearts are meant to sing to one another,
our souls are destined to touch.
I saw him one day,
weaving a great web of tenderness,
that could open my heart,
too.
I though it was time I took a photo of Minnie’s stump, since I will be writing about it and photographing it for some months to come – trouble has raised Minnie’s profile, in my mind, on my blog. Once I recovered from the shock of it, I have a million things I want to say and write about it, that is, after all, what I do. I had trouble looking at the stump, that is easier now, it is a clean wound, but it seems jarring to me still, and disturbing in many ways. That will fade, I just want to be honest about it. I will be honest about it, I never see such complex things as simply as many people see them.
Since Minnie’s injury – it could so easily have cost her her life, many people, including some people at the veterinary clinic, have been telling me what it is that Minnie is feeling – one said she was injured trying to save the chickens, others say she is brave, inspiring, noble, determined, heroic. I get a lot of messages blessing me for my kindness and generosity. They make me nervous. We are very busy these days putting the thoughts we like into the heads of animals and it is a constant battle – me too – to remember that these are our projections, not the truth about their consciousness.
Minnie almost certain is utterly unaware on a conscious rather than instinctive level that she has lost a limb, I do not believe she has decided to be brave and get on with her life. Her remarkable instincts – not our stirring words – are moving her forward. Minnie has suffered a lot of pain in the last few days, and even the vets say she has a lot more ahead of her. I am acutely conscious of not letting animals suffer so that I can feel good about myself, I see it all the time, and so do vets. Everyone says she will be fine, and I believe it, but she is not fine now, far from it.
I believe Minnie to be in great pain, she is disoriented and confused, watching her struggle to walk this morning was a wrenching thing to see, and an unnatural thing. I am aware there are many three-legged animals who thrive and prosper, I expect that Minnie will be one of them. I am also aware that even though we saved her life, our decision launched her on a course of great pain and suffering, however temporary.
Maria and I have both committed to caring for Minnie, making her comfortable, helping her get through this. But I must confess to always feeling uneasy when something like this happens, and I am never more praised or thanked than when I decide to spare an animal’s live, nor am I more condemned than when I decide to end an animal’s life.
The truth is I don’t know what Minnie’s thoughts and wishes are, I don’t know how much pain to permit an animal to suffer – these last few days in the clinic must have been profoundly traumatic for any animal as they would be for any human. I don’t know how much money is appropriate to pay for a barn cat to endure so much pain and to live a challenging and perhaps restricted life. Is it $500? $2,000? Limitless, as many people have suggested. We take the stories we want and like and we put them right in the animal’s head, and that becomes our reality.
These are personal decisions, in this animal realm, here we are God, we decide if they live or die, how they live, there are few laws and no guidelines to help us. The vet said we could operate, amputate or euthanize and the only signposts were our own emotions, perspectives and love and respect for one another. Our President seems helpless to accomplish much of anything, his power curbed and blocked on all sides. Sitting in the vet’s office, Maria and I were Emperor and Pope, we had a living thing’s life in our hands, one nod of the head and Minnie would be gone.
I am glad we choose this course, I did not think Minnie was ready to leave the world, I did not think we were ready for her to leave the world. But as long as we are at it, I really do not know which was the most important factor in our decision. It is hard for me to watch this poor creature struggle to move, stand and work her way through so much pain.
Playing God is always tricky for me, being nothing more than a simple human.
Every week, Maria and her friends meet for lunch, I do not know their agenda, she doesn’t discuss what they say, but I know Maria feels the group is supportive and she looks forward to going. She always returns feeling nourished and affirmed. In our busy and sometimes disconnected lives, I see this something women do much more than men, and it seems to me it is the embodiment of connection, a universal human desire. I have a number of close friends now, some of them women, most of them men, and this is new to me, I can talk openly and easily with them about the things that matter to us – life, our children, our work, getting older, health care, the sad state of American politics.
I was having lunch with a friend inside the Round House care when I looked out the window and saw Maria and her friends engaged in a conversation that seemed animated and happy and purposeful. It was a good feeling, and when I saw the woman sitting in the window above, I also saw that it was a good picture. The group has inspired me to make sure I tell my friends that they are important to me, and that I appreciate seeing them and admire what they are doing with their lives and trying to do. These connections are the thread of life, as meaningful to me – often more so – than the animals I live with.
“Because of the dog’s joyfulness, our own is increased. It is no small gift. It is not the least reason why we should honor as well as love the dog of our own life, and the dog down the street, and all the dogs not yet born. What would the world be like without music or rivers or the green and tender grass? What would the world be like without dogs?”
Mary Oliver, Dog Songs.
Minnie’s recovery will not be fast or simple. She is going to the vet this morning to get her morphine pain patch removed from her back, and her pain will likely worsen after that. The narcotics are causing hard and tight stools, she is having trouble eliminating. She is also disoriented, trying to figure out how to walk and balance herself. This morning we took the hood off her and she tried to come out and walk to us, she wobbled a bit but made it to Maria. We held her for a bit, gave her food and medication – stool softeners, she had a quiet night resting comfortably in her crate.
Lenore is hanging out with her, her generous spirit is boundless. If it’s nice this afternoon we might take the crate out for a bit so she can be in the sun and so Flo can get a look at her. She looks a wreck and is pretty vocal, but we both sense she is in a lot of pain. It is still very strange to see that leg gone. I got some wonderful messages from humans who have had limbs amputated and they are urging Minnie on.
It’s interesting, but sometimes when I am in a story, I don’t really see it. At one point, Dr. Fariello said it is inspiring to see animals with three legs figure out how to get around, and then a bulb went off in my head: yes, this is inspiriting, this is a story to follow and photograph. Everyone I know has gulped at the cost of amputating Minnie’s leg, but I am not dwelling on that, we made the decision to stick with her and help her heal and this is inspiring to me already.
