Day: May 7, 2014

Dear Maria in Alabama, I know you had a full day today, working at the Gee’s Bend Quilting Collective, I know you are going to choir practice tonight – now I am truly jealous, I doubt we will be able to speak tonight. Forgive the flatness of the message, I am pretty tired. I suspect you will see the blog before we get to talk.

I’ve been spending a lot of time out with Ma in the pole barn, I called for help, the vet is coming in the morning – there are just too many emergencies tonight, I didn’t push it. Ma is struggling – heavy breathing, severe limping, discharge through the nose and uterus. She began labor this morning, is getting nowhere, not pushing at all.

She just doesn’t look good to me. I know that isn’t a certain measure, but it’s enough to call for help. I might have to make some complex decisions in the morning, if so, I am glad you are not here. I am also glad you are coming home tomorrow.

I have friends all around me, every time I turn around somebody is asking me if I need help or if they can help. Deb Foster saw my bent over back and she isn’t asking, she just comes by and is helping. I appreciate it. Pulling Pumpkin out did it for me.  Jack is standing by and Scott will be here in the morning, Rod if I need more help.

Once I get a medical reading, I’ll know exactly what to do, to proceed with the labor or end it. It will be clear in the morning. I will do everything to make Ma comfortable and bring out the babies, but I won’t spend hundreds of dollars or approve of elaborate medical procedures to do it.

Apart from the money,  I don’t think it’s right. I remember we both saw that moment with Tess when it revealed itself to us. I believe perspective is important, I don’t want to lose it in the emotions of the moment. I would love to be a hero here, but that is about me, not Ma.

Liam is the Prince Of Bedlam Farm, he is taking over the pasture, greeting everybody, racing around. When you get back, we’ll get the wrap off of him, he is growing rapidly. I took Lenore and Red for a walk this afternoon, Frieda wasn’t up for it, and I was shocked to see Lenore actually flush a rabbit and give chase, she tore after him right up Macmillan road and into the woods. I can’t imagine what she would have done if she had actually caught him.

I am so happy to hear the enthusiasm, excitement and confidence in your voice. What a creative journey, I can’t wait to see what you start making once you digest it all (no pressure.) I called your mother and told her what a great time you are having, she is happy for you. This is such a wonderful trip for you, I can’t wait to hear about it. I’ll be picking you up tomorrow night around ll p.m. when your plane gets in, I’ll have Red in the car, some water and cheese puffs.

The donkeys are quite irritated at being locked up in the pasture, I am plying them with carrots.

I am looking ahead to New York and the meeting with Chief Arvol Looking Horse Sunday, and Monday I’m having lunch with my new editor to talk about my next book. So many good things are happening to us, I can’t wait to see you. I’m out of gas so I’ll say good night and there is an ocean of love waiting for you when you come back to me. I expect a funky gift from Gee’s Bend.

Several nice people have commiserated with me about this weeks’ lambing issues, and I appreciate it very much, but I have to be honest. This is my life, I chose it and I love it and there is no more meaningful or spiritual or challenging part than the decisions one has to make about the real lives of real animals.

Here, decisions matter.

This is all a gift, this is why I am here, why we are here.I am in awe at the wonder of the animals in the world, they are truly my partners in the joys and travail of the earth.

It is not a drama or a tragedy, it is life, no more and no less. My wife is not missing in some plane crash, my daughter was not drowned in a capsized ferry.  If I couldn’t handle this or didn’t want to do it, I ought to be somewhere else doing something else. The farmers have a saying when trouble comes, this is all a part of it.

Liam is all over Ma, he is licking her, sniffing her, perhaps comforting her. The sheep have gathered all around Ma, as if in a vigil, they take turns coming up to her and touching noses. I think they see the same thing I see, a ewe who is sick and struggling to get through a labor. She is showing so many signs of distress, her labor began this morning and has not advanced.

There are many emergencies around here far worse than mine tonight, this is the busiest time of the year for the large animal vets, they, I asked for Jason to come in the morning and I’ll have some decisions to make about Ma. It is not ethical or proper to breed a sheep that is seriously ill, or to bring lambs that might be ill into the world. I don’t know if we are there yet, but it is something for me to think about tonight and in the morning.

If the vet says she is sound, we’ll proceed and figure out how to get the lambs out and into the world. I had no qualms about pulling Pumpkin out of Socks, she is a healthy ewe, Socks just had a tough labor.

I spent the last hour or so sitting out with Ma on my lawn chair, she just does not look good to me in any way. People are messaging me saying they are praying for her, and I respect that,  but I do not personally pray for sheep or most of the animals. I think we are losing  respect for death in the animal world, it is sometimes a blessing and a  release, nature’s way of easing pain and ending suffering  keeping the world healthy.

Maria and I have been through this a dozen times already in our time together, we are of the same mind.

Not much more to do tonight but sleep, and go out and check every few hours Ma is eating, I haven’t seen her drinking, she is calmed for the night, I got her into the pole barn.

The point for me is not to keep Ma alive at all costs by any means with the intervention of God, but to take good care of her and bow to the forces of the natural world, which are sacred to me and deserve honor and respect. The lines there are often fuzzy, it most often comes down to gut instinct – what  feels right. The only person I need to please is me, it is not about the love of others, or self love, but about self-respect. And I haven’t given up, Ma is a tough old ewe and I wouldn’t be at all shocked to go outside in an hour or so and see a couple of her lambs running around. I hope so. I will be ready to reach in and pull her babies out.

In either case, I will share the process and keep you posted.

 

I have a friend with many gifts – looks, love, talent – and he believes the world is collapsing and his work is dark and dour. My friend George Forss, who faced some awful challenges in his life sees magic and beauty everywhere, his work is an affirmation of majesty, light and the human spirit.

Last week I was visiting George in his darkroom and he showed me this photograph he is putting in his new book “The Way We Were.” I asked him what it was. George said this was the front gate of a Staten Island orphanage where he lived for a number of years. He went back to New York to look for the orphanage and it was gone, only the gate and a few graves of the sisters were still there. He took this photo of it, George never complains or speaks poorly of his life but he rarely speaks of the orphanages where he was raised, and I know from Donna that George had polio and his afflictions from the disease caused him to be teased and harassed relentlessly.

George never told me this, but when I said I loved the photo he said he would give it to me. I said I would pay for it, but he refused. He brought it to lunch today, and it moves me deeply, it is such a personal and generous and heartfelt gift. George may have had a hard life but he heart and soul only grew. Genius will survive against the greatest odds. You can check out some of his thoughts and writing here.

I am so grateful for this gift, it is a treasure, I will ask him to frame it for me and I will pay him for that work. It will inspire me every day to grasp the magic and beauty of life, despite all of the world’s sorrows.  Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We can not cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy.

This is the meaning of George Forss and his life and genius.

I had my weekly lunch with George Forss and Donna Wynbrandt at the Round House Cafe. Donna was waiting for George on a park bench outside of Hubbard Hall. She was reading “A Good Earth” by Pearl Buck. I am grateful for my friendship with these two, warriors for creativity and love, despite great odds.

I want to say at the outset of this post that I never claim to know what is going on in the minds of animals, they do not have our emotions, our language or vocabulary. We are always projecting our ideas and feelings onto them, and we really don’t know what they are doing or thinking. That said, I often witness on the farm things that touch me, that cause me to pay special attention, that touch my hear and I am not always sure what is happening.

This afternoon, when I realized how ill she was, I let Ma out her stall to that she wouldn’t further injure herself banging into the gate. Liam, who was outside of the pole barn, walked inside, went straight to Ma and stood looking her, they almost touched noses. Suzy, who does not let Liam near the other sheep, stood back. Ma looked at Liam for what seemed to me a long time – perhaps a minute, long for a sheep to make eye contact.

I really don’t know why Liam did this, he might have been curious, perhaps he smelled an illness or even heard the lambs inside of her stomach. Perhaps he was comforting her. We will all fill the story in, in our own way, for our own reasons. It was certainly a connection that caught me eye. I am always glad to have a camera nearby, I never regret it.

You could think of it as a mystical parable, as one of those things animals do that are beyond our consciousness and understanding. Or there could be a very simple, even mundane explanation. I don’t claim to know.