22 July

Exhaustion: Recovery Journal, Vol. 25

by Jon Katz
Exhaustion
Exhaustion

I can tell you one thing about recovering from open heart bypass surgery, when the doctors say recovery is not a straight line, they are speaking the truth. It is not only not a straight line, it is more like a hieroglyphic a spinning, up and down circular line. Every day is different, there is no logical progress to any part of recovery, not this early on.

The only consistency in my recovery has been my walking – I do it every day, I love it every day. But even my walking has changed in the past two days. I hiked a up a steep hill in Merck Forest Sunday, and I walked today when the temperature hit the 90’s. My heart has responded, telling me it is tired. Almost every day, I experience at least one round of utter exhaustion. It came today after I took a walk, worked on my book, had lunch with George Forss at the Round House Cafe. I break out into cold sweats, I am simply worn out.  After lunch, I could barely make it to the car, and I got home and collapsed in my big chair, got the headphones on, started listening  to my music stash on Spotify and blacked out for three hours.

My heart is talking to me loud and clear. Take it easy for a day or so, wait until things cool off, walk in the evening, rest, rest and rest. It is hard for me to believe that the surgery was only three weeks away, and that my recovery will go one for months, even a year. It is not in my nature or experience to think in so long-term away. Yet this is what I need to do and am struggling to do.

I have a great amount of energy for a few hours a day, then I am done. The periods of high energy get a bit longer every day, but then they might shrink rapidly another day for no reason I can fathom. That’s what it means to be recovering from heart surgery. Tomorrow I go to Albany to check out the diabetes clinic there. Thursday I see another doctor. Next week I go and see the surgeon who worked on my heart, it will be neat to see her again.

When I collapse in exhaustion, it worries me, I wonder if I will ever feel my old energy. Before the surgery I had never been in a hospital, sleeping in mid-day was unimaginable to me. But, a friend said today, they stopped your heart and opened up your chest, it will take a while for your heard and body and mind to recover. I will work on accepting that. And look ahead to the day when I can have lunch and not have to recover from it.

22 July

Gifts Of A Broken Heart

by Jon Katz
Gifts Of A Broken Heart
Gifts Of A Broken Heart: Dahlia

On my walk this morning, I listed the gifts of a broken heart.

– I am walking again, I am rediscovering my love of walking in nature, in the morning mist, through the woods. That was always my sport, my passion, it was lost but has been returned to me. As a result, I am losing weight, feeling strong. I did not know I was a healthy man.

– I learned everything I need to know about my body in the last month, I am sound and in rebirth.

– I see the power of friendship and connection, when your heart is broken, friendship reveals itself. Or not.

– I am reborn, I see the world anew, I am full of new plans and new ideas, life has sharper and richer meaning for me.

– Love is reaffirmed. Maria’s love for me, and mine for her, has glowed these past few weeks, it is so rich and real and strong.

– I am taking responsibility for my life, tackling issues that need to be tackled, working with Maria so both of us can have a life of peace, meaning and creativity. I did not believe it could happen, I know it will happen.

– I am going to a famous diabetes clinic tomorrow, I will learn more about my diabetes and the best and most efficient ways to deal with it.

– My broken heart is healing. It was not badly damaged. It was saved in time. I understand that it will take me up to a year to fully recover from this, and I will learn the gift of patience and inner strength.

– I have been given the gift of my therapy dog, Red, he has turned his magic on to me.

– I am taking photos with more feeling and writing with more feeling, I believe. That is the gift of a healing heart.

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