Maria and I are an oddly matched couple, we are both willful, when we decide to do something, it is nearly impossible to deter either one of us. This morning, Maria announced she was going to paint the South side of her Schoolhouse Studio yellow, to match the rest of the old schoolhouse. I was uneasy about it, Maria has a lot of very unhappy memories about painting and restoration work, she did it for years instead of doing her art, and it is often a painful trigger for her of a difficult past, going a long way back. Whenever I can, I try to get someone else to do that kind of work, it spares her a lot of pain, even thought she is very good at it.
This time, I couldn’t help until she had already primed the side, I painted about half of the yellow first coat, then had to stop, the sun was too strong and I got too tired. I came in the house to sleep and write on the blog, I saw Maria descending into a dark place, but she was adamant about continuing until she was done. After an hour or so, I got up to put photos up on the blog – I had a very good photo day today, a sign of healing and recovery for me – and I had this sudden feeling I needed to go to her. When I went outside, she was heading into our secret garden, our Adirondack chairs and she didn’t look right to me, I came out and found her in tears, in great pain
She said she just felt an awful pain and sorrow, from an old and very deep place, she was crying, and she asked me if it bothered me that she was crying. Maria’s emotions are very close to the surface in her, she cries much like other people talk. I told her when we got married that I would love her a little bit more every time she cried, perhaps that is why I love her so much.
We were both surprised when Red left his position at the gate and appeared between our two chairs, we were holding hands. Red never goes there unless called, and he turned to me, then to Maria and put his head in her hand. She said she felt the pain and sorrow passing from her to him, she felt it moving through her hand. It was an astonishing moment, a powerful moment, she said she was worried she would hurt him, giving him all that deep sorrow and regret.
I told her Red was a spirit dog, he came to me often during the aftermath of my surgery to take my pain and sorrow, he would shake it off like animals do shake off pain and fear, he would shake off hers also. Maria said she felt better, we went for a long walk in the cemetery, we talked about this pain and where it comes from, and how well she was dealing with it. By dinner time, she was back to herself, and we both had the feeling something powerful and important had passed out of her, some of it to Red, some of it up to the sky.
I told her I thought it was important that she had painted the studio, she loved it so much, perhaps this was something she needed to do, to let something inside of her go. I was very struck by what Red did – I saw him take some of this pain from Maria, it was visible – and then go and lie down, then I saw him shake it off and go and walk with us. What a beautiful spirit this dog has, and so many animals have. I believe they can do this for us if we believe in them and let them.
We all have pain, we all have sorrow and regret inside of us, I am grateful I have learned and Maria has learned to feel it, let it pass and we are fortunate in our live with animals, they are our partners in the joys and travails and sorrows of life, we are coming to a wiser and more mystical understanding of them.
