Day: January 7, 2015

A friend reminded me tonight that one of the great tenets of spirituality, an element of almost every great spiritual teacher or faith, is the idea of letting go. It is a difficult thing to do, I’m not sure it is a natural human behavior, but it has become a cornerstone element in my own faith, my own life.

It is the nature of life to lose things – people, friends, dreams, family, parents,  faith, animals, ambitions, expectations. Life is a stream of losses, it seems, and a central element of faith is how we learn to respond to them.

I have learned that most people cannot let go, perhaps do not want to, have not seen it done, do not know how to do it. I sympathize, it is not an easy thing to do.

I am learning to let go, I have been working at it all of my life, especially, I think, since the Quakers took me in and taught me to celebrate what I had, not what I had lost. Ideas are funny, some of the slide right over us, some of them stick. That one stuck, and has grown and deepened.

I have let go of my mistakes and my misconceptions, of the harm I have done to myself and to others, of much of the fear that shaped and affected so much of my life for so long. I let go of a marriage to a good person that had lasted for more than three decades, I let go of friends, a way of life, a view of the world, struggles with my family, an addiction to drugs,  of my ambitions and my delusions and my unhappiness and much of my anger.

Alcoholics Anonymous asks people in recovery to make amends for their behavior, to find the people they have wronged and apologize to them. I do not wish to apologize to anyone for the mistakes I have made or the harm I have done. Like my parents and almost every other whole human being I know, I did the best I could for as long as I could. And when I couldn’t function any more, I surrendered – just like they each in AA – to powers that were higher than me, even if I have no idea who and what they are. I accepted the hard truth about myself and resolved to change, and am changing still.

If letting go is hard, changing is harder. People who truly change are a small and exclusive club, the hardy and the blessed.

Life asks us at some point to decide if we wish to move forward or if wish to stay where we are, to look back and cling to our stories of struggle and lament, to our grievances and disappointments, to the things we should have done, or wish we had done. We have so little time to learn  how to be authentic and change, I am sure I will use it all up before I become the human being I wish to be.

Let it go, I tell myself every day, when I slip or stumble, as human beings will unfailing do. I have learned how to let go, to shed the burdens of the past, of looking back, of the old days and betters ways, of the slights and cuts and hurts, of the way things used to be, or the way things should have been. Let it go, let it go.

I have learned much on my hero journey, have so much more to learn. I have learned to live anew every single day, to get up in the morning to think of what I have, not what I do not have. There is a lightness to spirituality, a sense of traveling, I feel on good days like one of those beautiful old fading schooners, sails out, pennants flapping,  picking up a fresh and steady wind, letting go of the land and the lines that tied me to the shore. Life is an opportunity, every single day, and I am called upon to make the very best of it that I can.

Every day, a new horizon, just ahead of me

The sheep seem completely impervious to weather, snug beneath their thick lanolin coats. But they do love grain, and it does give them energy to get through nights like this – it is only 9:30 and already five below, and a big wind is picking up, much colder air to come. I feel for the animals in this cold, but I have been through many cold spells with donkeys and sheep, and I have learned that I worry about them much more than they worry about themselves.

Donkeys and sheep are both desert and mountain animals, the cold does not get to them, but extreme wind and cold does sometimes, we have shelter for them from the wind, but not the cold. It’s supposed to be a wind chill of -20 to -25 tonight, that is hard on man and beast. One thing we can do is give them good grain to provide energy and warmth, and lots of heated water and fresh hay. High winds tonight, so we will check on them through the night and into the morning.

Red is the one animal who does not seem to notice the weather, heat or cold. He is the same one way or the other.

Lenore’s troubles are worse than a muscle pull, unfortunately, she is in some difficulty – continuous pain from a spinal or disc disorder, it seems. We are conducting some tests today and tomorrow, consulting some specialists, trying to control her pain. We are gathering information and trying to figure it out, we have good vets and good information. If there is some new information to pass along, I’ll do it, otherwise we will be handling it as best we can, and thanks for your good wishes. As usual, I am not  seeking advice or the experiences of other dogs or animals, good wishes are appreciated. The first and foremost goal is to make her comfortable, and we are working hard at that.

Some of you may recall that Lenore was in pain last week, we thought it was a muscle pain, looks like it is something more than that, she is in a lot of pain again, and in different places. I don’t really know what it is, but I am heading back to the vet with her today for X-rays and another look.

I want to say something about why I am sharing this news. Dogs and other animals get sick all of the time, it is almost always quite treatable, especially in a healthy and well-bred dog like Lenore. I am still startled by the volume of messages I am getting about Simon and the depth of grief over his death – most of it is wonderful, but some of it seems like too much to me – so I want to be careful in my sharing of Lenore’s story.

I don’t write this because it is a drama, or because I expect Lenore to die, or because I want to arouse fear or sympathy in people who love her or dogs. I am not reaching out for advice, we have good vets and trust them.  I am sure most of the people reading this have had sick dogs or cats or have one now.

I share this because I write about dogs, among other things, and one of my purposes on the blog is to share my life with them, and part of that is dealing with vets and illness and, on occasion, life and death.

There are always decisions to be made when pets or animals become sick, emotional and financial, and it’s important to talk about it and write about it. That’s why I do it.  But to me, this is not a drama or a crisis, it is part of the flow of life with animals. I just wanted to say that, especially in the week that Simon died.