Day: January 18, 2015

I did not want to write about grieving here in Florida, I wanted some perspective on the loss of Simon and Lenore, and on the process of grieving itself. This morning, I woke up early and thought I will be returning to a Bedlam Farm without Simon’s bray to greet me, or Lenore’s loving and cheerful presence. Two big spirits gone from our lives.

Their deaths were shocking and jarring and very sad.

Grieving is a process, I know, it has a life and a mind of it’s own. It will take it’s own time, and like a stream, flow on it’s own path at it’s own pace. Insofar as it a choice, I choose to be grateful for what I have, not for what I have lost. Insofar as it is not a choice, I respect and accept the process, which is different in every human being.

Sometimes, one or the other of these sweet creatures will pop into my head, and I will feel their loss in my heart, it feels like a plunge into a dark and cold place. It does not come often, or last long. In a month or so, it will be gone, the cup of life fills up automatically when permitted.

A friend of mine lost her mother recently, and several people have told her that they know how she feels, they have lost a dog or a cat. This was painful to her, she did not wish to have her beloved mother compared to a dog. Even when people mean well, I think, they sometimes forget in their rush to respond that people are not like dogs and cats, we grieve for the loss of either, but in different and personal ways.  Perspective matters, it never seems right to me to put my own loss or grief onto anyone else’s.

Your loss is not mine, and mine has nothing to do with yours. What is often similar is our pain and sorrow, our feelings, and I understand that this is what people are trying to express, even when they are not sure how to do it. When I return home tomorrow I will take a deep breath, and let the grieving process do it’s work. I cannot control it or predict it or alter the course of it.

Grief is a part of life, human and animal, and if  you live a life with animals you will learn about grief, it will find you and cast it’s own shadows. You learn to live with it, or it will corrode your spirit. It is a part of life itself. It’s good for me to return to this idea of grieving as I plan to return to the farm. Maria and I were surely wounded by it, we are conscious of our need to heal and to understand the pain each of us feels.

The support and sympathy from the world beyond us has been especially healing. Simon and Lenore did not belong just to us, they were your donkey and dog as well. That hurts, but it is also a wondrous and beautiful thing, I smile whenever I think of it. What could be more healing than that?

To the grieving process, I tip my cap and nod. You do your thing, I will do mine. I am grateful for the chance to live.

Today is the last day of our trip to Disney World. We enjoyed it, the place is chaotic and intense, but it did work it’s magic – thanks Walt –  and we began to learn how to relax just as it is time to leave.  Vacations are like that. We are grateful to the good and thoughtful people of the Creative Group at Bedlam Farm. All through the summer in the weeks after my open heart surgery, they scraped and schemed and raised enough money for Maria and I to come here. We could not have considered it otherwise.

They bought non-exchangeable or returnable gift cards so we could not refuse, and it turned out to be especially timely on many levels, for many reasons. We could not have imagined the death of Simon and Lenore in the week preceding our trip. Fate is mysterious, I do not like to think what might have happened if either of them had fallen ill while we were away. I love watching Disney World evolve, it reflects everything that is great and troubling about America, Disney’s genius and creativity are eternally fascinating to me.

We are a land of harried people, wired to our devices, I think many of us have forgotten how to truly relax.Maria and are working on it. We saw a lot of wonderful things, but I think our best moments came when we stopped thinking and writing and being creative and just sat in the sun and held hands or read together. Or when we stepped out of ourselves and danced for a few minutes with strangers.

This morning I am packing up the computer and the camera. We are going to the Animal Kingdom in the morning, we will follow our bliss in the afternoon and surprise ourselves with something, then pack some and then close out our trip at the Mexican restaurant tonight at Epcot, the best meal we have had here. Maria and I are miraculously in sync, we almost always want to do and see and feel the same thing at the same time. We always surprise one another with our soul connection. Whatever else happens to me, I cannot help but being eternally grateful to find such love and share my life late in my life.

I cannot imagine what I might have done to deserve this. This year has shown me what it means to be loved, and to love.

Do not ever give up on love. If you are open to it, it will come.

We needed this vacation. Here, we realized how drained we were, from the loss of two beloved animals suddenly, from the harsh cold of an upstate winter, and from the normal complications of life – you all know the story. We were very tired, physically and spiritually.  Life in America gets more and more complex in some ways, it is time to worry about boarding passes, packing for security, airports,  facing the challenges of life – work, money, taxes, bills.

That, of course, is the challenge, it is easy to be happy on vacation, harder in the crises and mysteries of life. I am, as always, grateful for the opportunity to be alive and learn how to live. I have more work to do, that work is never done. We are refreshed, restored, filled with love and ideas for tomorrow. I suppose that is a connection Walt Disney and I will always have. I have enjoyed writing a bit about Disney World, I hope it was somewhat enjoyable for you.

My blog is my voice to the world, my inspiration and connection, hopefully my great work. I am grateful for that as well. Thanks all.