I am saying a lot of goodbyes these days. Some of them – Simon and Lenore – were not my choice. Some of them are, and I am gathering the strength and purpose and focus to say more goodbyes.

Yesterday, I decided to say goodbye to my brother, the only brother I have had or will have. He moved away when I was young, and we had no contact for years, he came to my wedding, we tried to stay in touch, when I needed some  help he tried to help me, but it was too hard for both of us, eventually I had to face the reality of it.

I said we could not be close, we needed to stop pretending that we could. If felt sad, it felt good.

It became clear after my open heart surgery and throughout the summer that we could not be brothers to one another, it was not in the fates, not in the cards.  My family has always been broken, and none of us could ever really pick up the pieces. My sister and I have salvaged our relationship, we love each other as best we can, we stay in touch, we care about each other. That is all that is left, I am grateful for it.

My brother and I couldn’t do it, I didn’t want to fake it any longer and could not. He is a good person, and I wish him every happiness, it would have been so much easier if we had feuded or hated one another, but it is more complex than that, and it would not be appropriate to say much more about it. I am open about some things in my life, but not everything. It is a big thing to say goodbye to a brother, family is so important in so many ways.

Yet saying goodbye is am important thing for me also, I am learning the importance of standing in my own truth, of facing the reality of my life, and owning up to the truth about me.  I am taking responsibility for my life, for myself.

It is better than pretending or dissembling or avoiding truth. I can’t do that any more, the drama, the misunderstandings, the missed connections.  I learned the awful consequences of lying to oneself again and again. Anna Freud once wrote that panic attacks occur when people lie to themselves, and since I stopped lying to myself I haven’t had a panic attack, even through some rough stuff.

In the coming weeks, I will say goodbye to more things, especially those connected to my former life, to my delusion and confusion and to the various storms that swept in around me and my life. There were things I could help and things I could not help, and Maria and I are prepared to deal with them. I am eager to get to the other side, I think there I will find myself standing face to face with my true self in my true life. That will be a joyous day.