I don’t think I could explain to my daughter Emma the emotion I felt seeing her and her husband Jay sitting out on the Adirondack Chairs so comfortably on this beautiful day. We had lunch at the Round House, sat and talked, walked in the woods, we’re going out to the Bog for dinner.
They sat out and read and talked and looked out over the pasture, the donkeys, the sheep and the pony, something Maria and I love to do together. I always wanted this, for my farm to be a resting place for my busy and harried daughter, my city mouse. So now it is, and what a sweet thing for me to see. Marriage can really work.
Family portraits are a staple of life for so many people, so are families, considered the structure of human connection. I am sorry to say that has not been my story. There are no family portraits of me anywhere, at least until today. My first family was shattered by fear and mental illness, my second by divorce. I have always felt some shame in my life, and have stood still for few photographs. I took none until just a few years ago.
Maria and I both have struggled with the reality of family for us, there are no family portraits around with her in them either.
Today, something changed. My daughter Emma came up to visit for the weekend with her husband Jay, they were married in New York City just a few months ago. I told Maria I wanted to pose for a family portrait. I love Emma dearly, and I consider us close, but I never felt she was totally at ease around me, or at my farm or in the country.
In a sense this was a projection, I don’t think many people felt comfortable around me, but it is something I have always wanted with my daughter. This time it is different. Emma and Jay have a powerful connection to one another, they make each other feel safe and at ease, they share the same kind of soul connection I feel with Maria, and had never felt before. They are different from us, but I was touched to see how comfortable she is around Jay, how safe and at ease.
Maria and I have both worked hard to find family in the best way we can. She has close friends that are like sisters, one like an aunt. I am finding brothers in this world who care about me and who I love. I think the animals have both served as family for us, we give much love and get much love in return. We are able to access the nurturing parts of ourselves, and work together to build a family, it is never too late.
I admit as a father to feeling a stab that I had rarely, if ever, seen her so comfortable, and not much with me. Emma and I are very alike in many ways, different in others. That is really as it should be. I was much absorbed for much of my life in struggling to survive, and as the shrinks say, when you are not well, you are not available to others. When I moved several hundred miles away from my family in 2003, I don’t think I made it any easier for anyone to know me or love me, and I know Emma struggled to understand my move to Bedlam Farm.
I have worked to put the past behind me, and to live in the present. Emma and I never quit on one another, we never disconnected from each other, and now, for many reasons, one being Jay I think, there is a comfort and sense of trust and family that I have always wanted and do not remember having.
I felt it today. I posed for a family portrait, my first. And with a horse and a dog. The only thing missing was Maria, she had to take the photograph. Next time, I’ll have George Forss take the photo, he’ll know how to do it. I am grateful to Jay for entering our family, for helping to make this happen for me, for Emma. Nothing could make a father happier than to see this kind of connection between his daughter and another human being, I know only too well what it means.
If I have learned anything in life, it is that love is more powerful than anything. Like the good Pope says, love is the mission. I have a family portrait now. I can’t wait to hang it on my wall.
We went for a long walk in the deep woods today with Red and Fate and my daughter Emma and her husband Jay. I have to admit, as the first anniversary of my open heart surgery looms (July 1) that I was grateful to be making that hike so easily and comfortably, I could not have even attempted it one year ago today.
We also had this adorable pest with us, Fate loves the walks in the woods, she goes off leash and stays close to us, she rolls in every bit of mud, eats every disgusting things, brings us dead frogs, large beetles and unspeakable droppings. When we got back, I turned the hose on her, telling her it was no more than she deserved. She didn’t like her first bath, struggling and whining, so she ate a pansy.
The summer porch at Bedlam Farm is taking form. It is a long way from the winter scenes. No piles of wood, no piles of ice and snow. The garden is coming up, we have the rocking chairs for the barn cats in place, hanging flower parts, the chickens like to hang out by their water bowl.
I love the summer porch, it is full of character, it is a mirror of our lives.
One of the hardest things to teach a young border collie is how to do nothing. They are born knowing how to work, to be obsessive. They generally do not know how to do nothing. That is the best thing I ever taught Red, and the only thing he needed to learn. Fate is desperate to work, eager to play, run, chase sheep. She struggles with doing nothing.
So it is my jog to teach here. I do this in a variety of ways.
First with calming and obedience training – sit, lie down, stay. These are ways to settle a dog.
Then with the crate. If she gets too excited, too busy, too anxious, she goes into the crate where is always a treat or toy for her to play with.
Also with work. Herding sheep, walking, chasing a ball, all of these things help focus energy at work, make it easier to rest and settle.
And then, patience. Border collies are smart, they will do what you wish if you can be patient enough to give them some time to grow up and if you teach them how to be calm and do nothing.
A friend asked me this week if I wanted Fate to play with her new puppy. I thanked her for the thought, but I said that is the last thing maturing border collie puppies. People need their dogs to play, dogs just get more cranked up when they are encouraged to play with other dogs. Fate does not need to be cranked up, she needs just the opposite.
Puppies play on our guilt, we want them to be happy. Fate screams and complains when she is in the crate and Red goes outside to work. She wants to work too. If she screams, she just earns herself another five or ten minutes in the crate. Another battle that has to be won.
People love to make their dogs happy, to see them run and play and get excited, but it is not always a favor. Fate knows how to be crazy. It is my job to teach her how to be sane.
