A new and interesting friend came over to talk this afternoon and have some afternoon tea on this cold day, she got to talking about the blog and the curious experience we often have of people knowing much about us already when we meet. I told her that I love the blog but am always puzzled by it’s reach and the devotion many people have to it, I don’t really grasp it.
Oh, it’s easy, she said, it’s because it’s a love story. You and Maria.
This surprised me, mostly because it is so obviously true and because sitting in the middle of this swirling vortex that is our life together, I can’t really see it. It is a love story, Maria is the reason I am alive, why we are her at our new farm. The first Bedlam Farm was mine, this farm is special, every inch of it a testament in one way or another to our love for each other.
We have fought hard for this house, in many different ways, and soon I will be able to tell you about them. Not quite yet.
I thought of this morning when I saw my wife through a bridle on her pony and take her for a stroll out of the pasture and out to the front yard. Chloe, who can be willful about many things, loves to go for walks with Maria, they circle the trees, get used to passing trucks, stop her and there for some grass.
Every day, I watch Maria grow, create, expand her love. Her smile could melt the ice-cap, and even get a willful pony to walk around trees in the cold.
Maria could hardly be more comfortable with any animal than she is with Chloe, who has brought her great strength and an appreciation for her own will and determination. Horses do that for many people, especially women, I am told. Any animals that earns such devotion from cowboys and artistic women is a remarkable creature.
I do love Maria, more all the time, each and every day. I love her when she wears her wedding dress to shovel manure, when she finds crystals in the woods, when she goes out into the cold night in her nightshirt to save a flower, or re-homes a frog or snake. I love her when she crafts her art in the studio, I love her when we sit and talk, when she kneels down to commune with donkeys, when she loves her friends, when we walk in the woods, wrap ourselves around one another each night and hang on for dear life, I love it when she opens up her generous heart to the world. Her smile is the most radiant flower I know, and it has opened up my heart and soul to life. I hope I have done the same for her.
I love her for what she endured, what she has become, what she wants to be. It gets better and better.
We are miracles to one another, something we always yearned for but never could find.
We have walked in some awful places. Somehow, our inner souls and spirits survived, somehow we managed to escape a fate so many others have suffered and we kept enough pieces alive inside of ourselves to keep us going until we found one another, and we said, yes, this is it, this is what we have been looking for.
Love is such a powerful thing, I give thanks every single day of my life that I found it before I left the world. Angels do walk the earth, and I married one and live with her now.
I get it, I think. Love stories are the best stories.
A personality refers to a person’s character, his or her traits, a pattern of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that make me and you unique. No two fingerprints are like, no two personalities are alike. Every day of our lives, we encounter many different kinds of personalities showing many different traits – strong, open-minded, hateful and angry, ambitious, arrogant, self-effacing, peaceful, curious, shy, outgoing, violent.
Carl Jung, the great psychologist, spent much of his life studying the human personality. Who we are. He concluded that what often appears to us to be random behavior is, in fact, the result of the different ways in which people chose to use their mental and emotional capacity. He believed there are two basic attitudes in most people – extraversion and intraversion. “Each person seems to be energized more by either the external world (extraversion),” he wrote, “or the internal world.”
Introverts are more comfortable with their interior selves, the inner world of thoughts and feelings, they will often see the world in terms of how it effects them. The extrovert feels more at home with the world of objects and other people, and is more concerned with his impact on the wider world.
I wrote yesterday about how this Jungian idea of extroverts and introverts had grown wildly beyond the boundaries of its creator and was being increasingly used as a way in which people identify themselves and explain themselves to the world. For me, I wrote, such labels are woefully inadequate to describe who I am or to know who I am.
I have spent many years in talking therapies, from analysis to psychologists to dynamic social workers to spiritual counselors. Identity is not a simple thing for me, I will never know what to call myself. For me, labels are a roadblock to self-awareness and authenticity. Why go farther if you have a one word idea of yourself?
My piece struck a deep nerve, which is gratifying. I heard from people all over the world. Most people responded very positively, many thought it interesting and something for them to consider, others were troubled by it, it made some uneasy. Those reactions are both expected and inevitable, I am always humbled to inspire people to think.
Given the tenor of the times, I always have to say that I am writing here about me, and not telling other people what to be or who to be. I am not seeking agreement, and we all, obviously, have the right to define ourselves in any way we wish. I have been reading some of Jung’s writings – most recently The Undiscovered Self and Man And His Symbols and I am loving the subject. In recent years, I have heard more and more people all the time describe themselves as an “introvert” or “extrovert” and I am curious to know just what those terms mean. They have never been clear to me. I also wonder why so many people are coming to identity themselves and their personalities in this way.
I see from reading Jung that many of his own ideas about personality have been lost in the discussion. They are fascinating to read.
Jung did not believe that people were one thing or the other, he repeatedly wrote that most of us are a mish-mash of both, these traits are a choice, not a pre-determined destiny. It is clear from his writings that many of the traits associated with extraversion and intraversion were troubling to him, he saw each as a source of weaknesses and possible disorders.
Introverts, he wrote (his language is too arcane and circular for me to quote directly, so I paraphrase), are more comfortable living alone and being alone. They can easily, he worried, become too immersed in their inner worlds and run the risk of losing touch with other people and their surroundings. They also tend to move in limited social circles, to drift away from an understanding of their environments.
Extroverts, he believed, are actively involved in the universe of people and things, they are socially active and keenly aware of what is going on around them. They pay attention to the news, join groups, form communities and look for places where they can interact with other people. The very idea of being alone often terrifies extroverts, Jung believed.
“None of us are completely extroverted or introverted,” he wrote, but we often connect or identity with the attitude, even if it isn’t entirely accurate.
In each of us, he wrote, “lies the unconscious mind,” a mind that is not aware of our feelings and thoughts at all times, but whose feelings and thoughts shape our lives, form our personalities, create our behaviors.
The use of these terms to introduce and identify people often makes me uneasy, first because no human being can be explained to me in so simple and narrow a way. Extraversion and intraversion are traits and tendencies, they were never made to identity or explain an entire human being. The me, that kind of label, cheapens the idea of self-awareness and identity, which is never that simple or one-dimensional.
Jung, in all of his writings, was clear on one thing: we are all different and individualistic, we all experience the world in many -countless – different ways. He identified four elemental psychological functions – thinking, feeling, sensation and intuition. Each of these functions are experienced both by introverts and extroverts, and in most of us, one of these functions tends to dominate, helps to define who we are.
Some psychologists believe that extrovert behavior is the standard behavior in American society – this means that other behavior is judged against the ways in which an extrovert would behave. Individuals and oddballs and misfits tend to identity themselves as introverts, they are less concerned with how their behaviors conform to the wider world.
In England, famed analyst Dorothy Burlingham (and others) cautioned against identifying too closely with these two personality choices. Each, she warned can lead to disorder and weakness. Weaknesses of the extroverts include too much worry about making a good impression, easily making and breaking relationships, a fear of introspection and being alone, an inability to self-criticize or accept the criticism of others, and a dread of thinking unconventionally or accepting new ideas.
The introvert, she cautioned, can lack confidence in his relationships with people, tends to be shy, hesitant and unsociable, be too quick to judge others. The introvert, wrote one scholar of Jung, can be egotistical, dull and self-centered (while the extrovert can be superficial and insincere.)
In one of Jung’s lectures, he said that extroverts and introverts will often seek to marry their opposites, usually – and secretly – in the hope that the other will compensate for their traits and characteristics, good and bad.
I like writing about this subject, it is vast, complex and thought-provoking. I read Jung, the hundreds of comments I received today, some of the hundreds of articles in print and online, and I ask: Who am I? Where Do I Fit In? What do I call myself?
I don’t have an answer for that, I’m not even close. But with each piece I read, I know the word “introvert” or “extrovert” doesn’t cut it for me. it doesn’t fit, it feels like a shirt that is way too small. I see myself in each of them, and in too many other things and traits to count. I hope there is never one word for me, I can’t imagine what it would be.
Jung wrote in one footnote that it ultimately doesn’t really matter which term applies to us, what really matters is that our choices and personalities help us to adapt to the needs of life – love, work, meaning and community. I think the word for that in my mind is gratitude.
I don’t look back to much on dogs I’ve lost, I’ve never quite grasped the point of it, and I am too busy enjoying and living with the dogs I have. One thing I do miss was Lenore’s presence in my office, she loved to come and sleep on her couch while I was working. Red sleeps at my feet, he doesn’t go up on couches – we don’t permit it – and Fate is generally moving from room to room or chewing something until she drops around 9 p.m.
My office is dark at night, I write by candlelight or an old single bulb desk lamp. I didn’t hear Fate come in, but I heard a sigh behind me and turned around. She had discovered Lenore’s sofa, and was watching me from there. I’m glad to have her there. Lenore loved to be with me when I write. Maybe Fate will come more often.
Dr. Suzanne Fariello, our vet, calms Fate after taking her stitches out. Fate was generous and good-natured throughout the experience, she is a sweetheart, much loved at the Cambridge Veterinary Clinic.
We took Fate to the Cambridge Valley Vet to get her stitches out this morning, the wound is mildly infected so she’s going on anti-biotics for five days but Dr. Suzanne Fariello says the wound looks fine. She wants Fate absolutely quiet today, and she made me promise not to take her near the sheep. I agreed.
I got busted, Dr. Fariello drove by the house the other day and saw Fate and I out in the pasture and Lisa, the office manager, saw her riding shotgun in my car, and Cassandra, the tech saw Fate running around the yard. Busted. You can’t get away with a thing in a small town. The stitches were itching and uncomfortable, Fate was worrying at them. Dr. Fariello told me to cut out the bs and make sure she rests. Maria and I are on it, I filled two hollow bones with peanut butter, froze them and Fate is happily gnawing on them.
Tomorrow, says Dr. Fariello, we can return to our normal sheepherding working. We did well this week, I jumped the gun a bit and Fate was about to jump out of her skin, she was so eager to get to work. But it turned out well, she is fine, and by tomorrow, we will be ready to go.
