23 October

Self-discovery: The Road That Never Ends

by Jon Katz
Changing Landscape
Changing Landscape

Until you make the unconscious conscious, wrote Carl Jung, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

The process of self-discovery can never be finished, can never be brought to an end. It is not true that analysis or therapy or spiritual counseling brings the task of self-knowledge and self-awareness to a happy end. It is merely a station on the road. The road never ends.

New experiences every day add to the knowledge of the healer and the seeker. They invariably happen when I least expect them. I learn something about myself every day, for many years things I did not like, more and more some things that I do.

Curiously, I think of our porch, a template for change, a mirror of our lives at a given time. Monday, all the flowers died, their stems black and browning, oases of beauty suddenly turned stark and ugly. The rocking chairs are gone, into the barn. The cats have found other places to sit. Wood piles replace them, storm logs for dark and storm and bitterly cold nights.

A new dog joins Red, waiting for the signal to go to work. She was not in the Spring photograph of the porch.

The picture is different, every time, just like my life. Every day, I ask myself what it is that I learned today. I learned how to be honest, to continue the process of opening up. I met with a friend, I wanted to know how to trust him. So I asked him how, something I did not know how to do.

Recently, someone I thought of as a friend became unhappy with me, and told me I needed to get help because it was well known that I had no friends. It was an ugly thing to hear from someone I thought of as a friend, but who was not. Earlier this year, a new and close friend took  his own life, and I wondered once more, at times in a selfish way, about this idea of friendship, whether it was a myth.

I learned that I don’t want a lot of friends, or need them. I cherish my time alone, I cherish my time with Maria, on the farm, with my camera and keyboard, with the half-dozen people I call friends and whom I have come to trust. This change has been slow and gradual, stations on the road. A few years ago, the ugly message would have disturbed me, I would have wondered what it was that I did to elicit such a message.

Now, I feel sad for the person who sent such a message, it has nothing much to do with me. I beat myself up for so long about so many things, I am learning to accept myself, I love my life and work every day to earn the love of a person who loves and accepts me.

Today, I understand that life is like this, , self discovery is never finished, it can never end. A healthy person would have communicated their displeasure or concern in a very different way. A friend would have done that in a different way. It isn’t always my fault.

I have learned to be careful with this idea of celebrity. I am not a famous person, but some people see me in that way, and it can often be a problem for them, and for me. I have learned to separate it from my relationships with others. I know what they sometimes wonder, I have heard it enough: am I stuck up, too big for my britches? Do they need to take me down a peg like the old sheriff in Dodge when a gunman shows up? Do they feel judged or rejected in some way that I do not grasp? Do they feel judged by me?

I am a person who often makes people uncomfortable, and I think I know why. Because people have always made me uncomfortable, and life is a mirror, we reflect one another.

I have learned this: everything that upsets me about others teaches me something about myself.

And I have learned this: you cannot have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person. What is wrong is to keep trying, to fail to learn what healthy means, what boundaries are, that cruelty and anger are drama, not friendship or community. I have learned  to walk away from things that feel unsafe or uncomfortable for me.

Self-discovery is important to me, I ask myself every night what is it that I learned today. I have learned that the person I most have to know and trust is me. The changing landscape on my porch reflects my life it is a mirror and a place of contemplation. As it changes, I change with it.

I am on the road, it never ends.

23 October

Picking Apples

by Jon Katz
Picking Apples
Picking Apples

Chloe and Maria are getting to know one another, they have a long list of rituals and practices. One is doing to the small apple tree in the pasture. Chloe waits for Maria to pick her an apple and munches and crunches it while the two stand together. I am touched by the pleasure of watching these two learn to love each other and get to know each other.

23 October

Fate With Her Sheep: The Circle Turns

by Jon Katz
Fate With Her Sheep
Fate With Her Sheep

Fate is seven months old now, she is spayed and fully recovered. She is more confident than ever around the sheep, her eye is getting stronger, she is maturing a bit and calming down a little. Today, I could see something different, we went out to the rear pasture and she lay down with the sheep and stayed with them while she grazed.

I loved the image, there is plenty of puppy left in her but also, and every day, something else, a more centered being. Sitting in this pasture, it seemed to me that she is finding herself, as working dogs do when given the chance to work. Here, six or seven feet from where she lay, the sheep paying Fate a great compliment, their heads are down, they are grazing (they would be in a panic if the dog didn’t know what she was doing) . They feel safe around here, they trust here.

23 October

Into The Cold: The Last Pizza Night of 2015?

by Jon Katz
The Last Pizza Night
The Last Pizza Night

It looks like this may be the last pizza night at the Round House Cafe of 2015. The temperature slid into the 30’s tonight, and Scott and Dominick were wrestling with cold fingers, pizza dough that resisted stretching and a wood-fired oven that wanted to cool off. They sold a bunch of pizzas and battled through the cold. Scott isn’t sure if this will be the last pizza night or night, he’ll decide next week.

Maria and I are steeling ourselves for an alternative Friday night dinner. I will probably return to making my own pizzas, I’m not as good as Scott and Dominick, but I’m making headway all the time, and I’ve learned a lot watching these two all this summer. Pizza night is really about community, a passion of my friend Scott. I’ve never seen anyone work so hard and enjoy it so much.

23 October

The Joy Of Work

by Jon Katz
Get To Work
Get To Work

Our vet loves Fate, she told me she is the whole package, a great working dog, a great family dog. She loves all of us – me, Red, Maria. She spends her days with Maria, her mornings and evenings with me learning how to herd sheep. She rides everywhere with us, is overjoyed to see everyone. Her energy and joy of living are absolutely contagious, and she is as loving as she is passionate about her work.

She reminds me to be the same, to love every minute of my life in a world  that sometimes seems filled with angry and unhappy people.

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