The sheep are used to me now, and accept me into their flock if I leave Red behind. Sheep are remarkable creatures, they move completely in sync with one another. I find it an amazing experience, as one who is rarely in sync with others, to sit in the middle of the flock and feel their connection to one another.
The pirate dog is ready for anything on our walk in the woods. Waiting for Red, Chasing chipmunks. Running into the murky pond. Herding me and Maria. Posing fiercely for the camera.
We found this old chest in a corner of the barn, and cleaned it up and liberated it, and it is, I find, a gallery all of its own in the contemporary museum that is our home.
It is a spiritual experience to lie down with sheep you know and be a part of the flock as they graze. I put Red in a lie down up the hill and I just lay down with my camera and the sheep grazed right up to me and over me, clouds of gnats and flies swarming all around the, the soothing sound of the tearing the grass up and chewing on it. I was inside the flock, looking out and they completely accepted and trusted me, they grazed over and around me, and then passed up behind me and away.
I loved being there.
Robin Sleeping
So it’s time to commit to how I wish to deal with this granddaughter thing. There are decisions to be made, issues to resolve. Emma wanted to set up a Facetime with me and Robin, but I passed. I’d rather see photos, I said, I felt odd talking to a two-week old baby over a cellphone.
I just felt foolish, I felt pressure to gush, and I don’t care to gush. I don’t know Robin yet, gushing seems premature and phony.
Later, I wondered if this was reasonable, or if I was just being willful. But I told Emma I don’t care to do the cute thing, I don’t want to be the grandfather cooing over his granddaughter. That wasn’t the way I was with her, and not the way I’m comfortable being. I want the relationship to evolve naturally, no baby-talk or awwww-how-sweet.
It must happen organically, we both have to grow into it.
I do care about Robin, and want to get to know her. Emma has made it clear that she wants that.
The best way, I told Emma, is for me to see her in short bursts frequently. I also want Maria to get to know her, I don’t wish for her to be shut out of this experience, for her sake and the baby’s sake.
I want Robin to come to the farm once in awhile, a place I imagine she will come to love. And I also need to respond to Emma’s request for help, her husband Jay goes back to work this week, she could use some support. Tuesday night, Jay will be writing about a baseball game, Emma could use some help.
I want my visits to be short, I get the hives when I think of over-staying in the middle of someone else’s life.
But first of all, how to get down there, what can I afford, and where to stay?
I spent much of the day figuring out how I could get to Brooklyn to help my daughter this coming week, visit my granddaughter, afford the trip and make some changes and adjustments in the way I look at and navigate the world. It was frustrating at first. I couldn’t stay at Emma’s, they are using the guest room for baby-changing, etc., it is taken apart.
I had some honest talks with Emma. I never speak or complain about my health, but i explained to her that there are some limits to what I can do, two chronic diseases require management and care. Walking too long on concrete and up and down too many stairs can be rough on me.
She got that. She explained to me that she didn’t need help at night, she is pre-occupied with feeding Robin and she and Jay were creating a system that was working for them.
I made a point of listening to her, and understanding what she was saying. She needed to deal with the nights by herself, in the daytime she needed the obvious things – help with cooking, shopping, feeding, diapers, maybe taking Robin for a stroll or finding ways for Emma to sleep. I needed to be sure to do what she needed, not what I needed.
For this to work, and overcome the geographical, financial and other obstacles, we will have to communicate, openly and honestly.
We had established an open line, were communicating easily and she has made it clear that she wants me to know her daughter well, and hopes I will be a part of her life. So I have to make the same commitment is this going to work.
So several hours on the phone before I found the place I wanted.
I called some hotels – the cheapest room nearby was $340 a night. I looked on airnb and did not find anything in the neighborhood that was either affordable or suitable. In Manhattan, the room rates were even higher.
Some blog readers offered to put me up in their homes, which was sweet, but that seemed like taking advantage to me. I didn’t quite feel comfortable about it, although the offers were generous and very well-meaning. One reader sent me a message recommending a much-loved family that let rooms and a small apartment in their brownstone in Park Slope.
The wife was a writer. I called her up and we clicked right away on the phone.
The room is about two miles from Emma’s apartment, a few blocks from the subway. She only had one room – it is actually two rooms – available for one night over the next two weeks, it cost $150. There is a smaller room, a hotel-style room but it is not available for weeks. Brooklyn is red hot.
I will take the train to New York Tuesday morning the subway to Park Slope, a subway to Emma’s apartment, and then later, the subway or a taxi or service car back to my room. Ten or twelve blocks of walking involved each way. The room seems lovely and comfortable, the people warm and available.
This turned out to be an important day. Emma and I are committed to this and working it out.
I realized that I had entered the new world of travel and planning. Visiting New York City for $150 or $100 a night is something we can do several times a year, both to see Emma and Robin and Jay and also to spend some time in New York City, a wonderful thing to do in the middle of an upstate New York winter.
So a new chapter, I will leave Tuesday morning and return Wednesday in the late afternoon. Then, two weeks later, I’ll return to meet with my editor and visit the baby once more, just for one day. We are off on this new journey, I am figuring it out.
