I believe one is fortunate to find one good friend in life, and even more fortunate to keep him (or her.)

For much of my life, I’ve struggled with the idea of friendship. When I was a child, I had no friends, and in my adult life I mostly fled from friendship, abandoned it or avoided it. I have some friends now, more than before, more than ever, and have begun to clarify my idea of what a friend  really is.

I hear a lot about friendship, but very few people can describe what it really is.

For me, friendship has nothing to do with Facebook or the world of social media.  It doesn’t come with a click on a computer keyboard. I have become close to many people online and off, but real friendship to me is real and material, not temporal or imagined.

Friends are people I have seen, talked to and met. Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection that is stronger than an association. I’ve learned some hard lessons about friendship.

For some years, I believed I had made close friends on an online association of creative people who became nearly obsessed with rescuing one another and who professed great affection for me. Not surprisingly, the group broke up abruptly and I found the people I thought were friends were not, the ties were thinner than filaments in a light bulb, they simply snapped  pressure.

I think that’s how you know when you have a real friend, the ties do not snap like that.

Friends, even busy ones, are there when you need them to be there, they do not need to be asked or told. You know them, they know you. Friendships are affirming, nourishing. When you think of a real friend, it feels good. If it doesn’t feel good, it most likely isn’t.

Friends do not rescue me, they hold my hand while I rescue myself. Friends give me nothing but their trust and encouragement. They tell me the truth and they hear the truth from me. Friends find time for me, no matter what their lives are like, and I find time for them.

Friends respect one another, they do not seek drama but reliability. They can simply be counted on. People say families are the people who must take you in, but I don’t believe this is true. I think this is what friends do. Friends join together in a powerful sacrament – we support the lives and hopes of one another, we do not ever take those things unto ourselves, or take them over.

Friends help us make sense of the world, they lift us up. They encourage us and help us to fight for our dreams.

Friendship is about acceptance as well as trust. I do not seek to change my friends. Friendship requires active listening, the ability to be still and hear. It is not my job to save them or take their troubles away, only they can do that.

Friendship takes time. People who have no time for me are not my friends, they might be associations or acquaintances, but friends tell each other they have no time. Friends don’t talk about being there. They are there.

Friendship is precious and fragile, life is short. If friendship is not important, it is not real. Friendship is not about worrying, it is about knowing. If a friendship is born out of drama, it will flicker and fade, like an old candle someone forgot to blow out. Friendship is individual, personal. Friendship is important.

I doubt I will ever have many friends, that is no longer my nature, if it ever was. In the new year, I hope to keep working to understand what it means.