10 October

Travesty: My Last Conversation With Paul About Men

by Jon Katz
The Weinstein Travesty Paul Moshimer Knew What It Meant To Be A Man

For the third or fourth time in just a few weeks, there is a brick in the pit of my stomach when I watch the news or hear about it. Tonight, as a man who feels strongly about what it means to be a man, I knew i had to listen to the harrowing testimonies and police audio recording of the very sick and troubled Harvey Weinstein trying to sexually assault and harass a young woman pleading with him to stop.

And I knew I had to say something about it. Tonight, I can’t just put up cute photos of Gus and Fate and Red.

I used to have long talks with my friend Paul Moshimer about what it means to be a man, he was, to me, a good man and a real man. I could not have imagined that it was the last conversation Paul and I ever had.

We talked well into the night once about what we thought it meant.  Paul tried hard to be a loving and caring man, perhaps he felt too much, and despaired, he took his own life just weeks after our midnight talk. I have always thought of him as a fallen warrior, a hero of sorts, he died trying.

I have nothing to add to the media frenzy, the outrage, the mob howling, the self-serving moralizing, the wrenching and brave admissions swirling around. I hate mobs.

I wasn’t there, I know nothing more than you can read and see, perhaps less. What I read and heard was sickening and heart-breaking.  Those women…

I do remember my last conversations with Paul about men, it has stayed with me, and shaped my marriage, my life and my consciousness. When I came home that night, I wrote some notes down, and put them away. I did not imagine I would use them in this way.

Our conversation was simple, it was about the men we wished to be. What does a real man do and not do?

Our very partial and incomplete list:

A real man is nurturing, not hurtful.

A real man encourages, he does not diminish,

or discourage.

A real man listens, and accepts what he hears.

A real man reaches for the softness in his soul,

and pulls it to the surface.

A real man does not control,

he empowers.

A real man steps out of the way,

he is never a warrior for his failed and bloody past.

A real man accepts change and the new order,

he does not fight only for himself.

A real man protects the people and women in his life,

he is strong without being fearsome,

caring without smothering.

A real man cries,

and reveals his heart.

A real man remembers the small things,

and drinks from the cup of humility.

A real men understands that no is no,

not ever yes.

He speaks softly, he does not shout,

he is never proud of his power.

A real man cares for the poor and

the vulnerable, he cares for

Mother Earth.

A real man prays that on his tombstone,

the people he loved carve,

he always supported us, he always lifted us up,

and gave us strength.”

A real man does not traffic in fear, 

but in dignity and respect.

A real man is a warrior for peace and life,

not conquest or domination.

_______

That was what Paul and I decided real men ought to try to be, shortly before he died.

Now, it seems somewhat arrogant and almost foolish to me, more hubris.

But it does make me want to cry when I read it, and I did a bit.  And it is the kind of man I want to be, and have tried to be, and am trying to be, and will try to be tomorrow.

I do not know why Paul killed himself, but he told me he thought he had often failed to be the man he wanted to be. He seemed very sad about this, his past was troubled.

And I know how heartbroken he was at the dread destruction men were and are wreaking on the world, and on so many women and children.

Perhaps he despaired at what he saw other men do and believe.

We can not live harmlessly, or perfectly, or selfishly and entirely at our own expense, wrote Wendell Berry in a wonderful essay on the responsibility of men to the world.

To live, we must daily break the body and shed the blood of Creation. When we do this knowingly, lovingly, skillfully, reverently, it is a sacrament. When we do it ignorantly, greedily, clumsily, destructively, it is a desecration. In such desecration we condemn ourselves to spiritual and moral loneliness, and others to want.”

And worse.

I know I can’t say it better than Berry did, but that is the tragedy of Harvey Weinstein, and of so many men he evokes, the ghosts and spirits of broken men hang over the earth like a dark cloud, spiritual and moral loneliness will follow them all of their lives.

 

8 Comments

  1. Jon
    I have not had time today to ready your several posts……but DID want to comment on this photo of Paul and the blind horse he rescued. This was always the most evocative and true photos of Paul and his spirit. It made me both sad, and smile tonight, seeing it again. thank you for keeping his deep spirit alive
    Susan M

  2. Jon, this is a powerful and thoughtful piece. I’ve read it through three times and it has offered me an opportunity to reflect on what kind of man I wish to be. It is a testament to what it means to be a man – to be a human, and to evolve into who we truly want to be. Our DNA carries in it the scars of battles and wars fought, of laying waste to the land and to those we think of as the “other”. We are brought to softness while: watching our children being born, holding the hand of someone at death’s door and through settling our hearts in a place of vulnerability, compassion and empathy. In our strength, we are protectors and givers in this life. The men who use their power as these supposedly “powerful men” do, still reside in their caveman brain and use their power selfishly and destructively. But I believe we have come so far, but not far enough. The personal work to evolve still needs doing and I am committed to living the rest of my life as a giver, through showing strength though gentleness and keeping my eyes and ears open. You continue to inspire this in me and I hope, in so many others.

    1. I know you to be a good man, Scott, you are always working to be better. You are counterpoint to these ugly and awful bullies we see every day in the news. It’s the good men who work to be better, the bad men wouldn’t dream of it.

  3. I have often thought that there is a crisis of identity for men…it would seem that the identity is defined as anything that does not approach being perceived as feminine. How would your idealized definition of what it means for you to be a good man be any different than a definition to be a strong,good woman? Forgive me, but the penis casts a great shadow over planet earth.Male dominance and privilege is not surrendered easily and perhaps never.

    1. I can’t speak for women, Lisa, I’m not one. That doesn’t mean I have to give up the right to speak. Women can and do speak for themselves. Men do cast a great and dark show over the world, as I have written many times, but I am not as dark as you or as hopeless. I have given up much privilege in my personal life and so do many men I know. I am sorry you have not encountered this.

    2. P.S. Lisa. I thought more about your post – there is nothing to forgive, it was thoughtful and interesting. First off, I had to laugh, my penis is not casting much of a shadow over anything these days, but I get your point. I don’t know that men have to be like women to be good. We all have idealized goals, we know we cant always reached them or may never. The goals I wrote about with Paul seem rather modest to me, and attainable, I can’t speak for other men, I don’t know if men’s position in the world will ever be surrendered, and I don’t have to know to write about me and what I want. I don’t tell other people what to do, I just write about me. So I can’t honestly say I know the answer to the question…

  4. Long ago when I struggled to understand who God was my sponsor asked me to write in a book what God would have to be in order to be my God. Some of the things you have written are the same things I ask of the God of my understanding. Very profound writing.

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