3 March

The Old Apple Tree Shows Me Her New Dress

by Jon Katz
Tell Me You’re Cold

When I came out of the farmhouse yesterday morning to try to capture the desolate feeling of the harsh nor’easter,  l looked to our apple tree, as old as the farmhouse itself, sick or no, the old tree talks to me and tells stories of the winter pasture.

Yesterday, she told me it was cold, and she showed me just how cold it was, the winds blew the snow sideways, and gave the old tree a new look. This tree is tough and hardy, she has seen a lot of winters but never had a new dress before

3 March

Yes! The RISSE Kids Are Going To The Powell House. The Goals Of Life

by Jon Katz
Going On Retreat

In 24 hours, I’ve received approximately $1,400 in donations online and as of Saturday afternoon $1,000 in commitments for checks that are on the way. I think that’s close enough to call a success, we will definitely have enough money to send the soccer kids or anyone else RISSE wishes to add and two teachers to the Powell House Youth Program in May.

This gives me incomparable joy.

My guess is the money sent will surpass the $2,100 we need by several hundred dollars, perhaps more.The Army Of Good moves quickly.

If that’s okay with the donors, I’ll put it into the refugee account, we can sure use it for the after school program. RISSE also desperately needs a new van, but that is a subject for the future. I’m suggesting a gofundme project, let the wider world join in.

If anyone would like a refund for any reason, I’ll be happy to provide one, you can e-mail me at [email protected].

Otherwise I’ll put the donations to good use for the refugees and immigrants, they need many things. And I will share these things with you, as always.

I’ll post the totals when I know what they are.

I’m not trying to pat myself on the back (well, yes I am), but my accountants and bookkeeper are shocked at my ability to juggle these donations and account for and document each one of them. They said the taxes were simple to calculate. I was very proud. Anne Dambrowski, our patient bookkeeper, says she has never seen me so sane and focused.

Every penny of every donation goes into what i call the Children’s Refugee Fund, which serves both the Mansion and the refugee and immigrant  support.

I am not known in my life for keeping detailed accounts of money, but this work has galvanized me.

My account is scrutinized monthly by Anne, an  experienced bookkeeper,  and a certified account in New York, everything I get or spend or purchase is documented by photographs and words on the blog and receipts for every expenditure.

The refugee/Mansion accounts are completely separate from my personal accounts, your trust is a great honor for me. The Army of Good is a precious gathering of compassion in a world that can be harsh.

I am very focused on seeing your money goes precisely where it is supposed to go, and this support is just getting started. We are figuring it out,  building and growing this project every day, while keeping our focus small and under control.

The Army Of Good work is sacred to me, but I don’t want it to balloon beyond our control or understanding of the work. I don’t wish to get bigger or incorporate as a non-profit. Nor do I wish our work to become bloated and expensive and a great strain.

I also wish to keep our independence, no one is telling us what to do.

Every donation, every gift or project is carefully considered, and I am mindful we are not a band of billionaires. We are not even a band of millionaires, none of us are headed to Washington. Every penny counts, and we are  small-donation Army.

I never expected to be able to do anything like this, and am proud that I can.

A decade ago, when I broke down, I got help and made some promises to myself.

First, I promised to find love, I did not want to end my love in a loveless way.

Then, I promised focus my work on my blog and photography, and make a painful turn away from being a book author exclusively. That was a good promise, it is coming true. My blog is the heart of my creative life and is growing steadily.

I promised myself that I would live an open and authentic life, as awkward as that sometimes is.

In 2016, when the country seemed so shocked by the election, I promised to find ways to do good, stay grounded, and avoid the bile and argument that has split the country so  badly. So far, so good. I have never felt better or happier.

I also promised that I would get past my lifelong confusion with and anxiety about money.

On a personal note, the work with my own finances and the need to manage other people’s money carefully and responsibly has made that goal come true. I won’t be lax about it, there is a lot of work involved, and I will keep it working smoothly.

i hate asking for money, but it is central to this work. I wish I was a millionaire, money does a lot of good,  but then, I wouldn’t be one for long.

I want to keep working on these goals, but I am also adding another to new goal to my life. I expect to live a good long while, I am living a full and good life and despite my chronic diseases, I am in good shape. My heart is strong, my diabetes under tight control.

But I am 17 years older than Maria and because of my divorce and other troubles, I do not have much money in the bank to leave behind if I should die sooner than she does, which is very likely. She has, over the last few years, built up her art career steadily, and I have no doubt she can take care of herself.

Maria argues strongly that this is not necessary, she would rather we do things together while we both are alive than after I am gone, or she is gone. She can take care of herself. I know that, and accept it. But I can help, and should leave something behind more than dogs, donkeys, chickens and barn cats. Farms are expensive and challenging to run, especially alone.

Her art comes first, at least to me.

It is not a sexist thing for me to feel a moral obligation to try to leave enough money behind so that she will have a chance to keep her art work vibrant and have some time to organize her life differently, if that becomes necessary. I haven’t been able to do that. I intend to do that.

I’m starting a regular savings plan to build up our IRA’s and savings, I want to leave the world knowing it is there. I did have open heart surgery and I do have diabetes. I don’t care to be morbid, but I do wish to see the world clearly. I’m done hiding and fooling myself. This is source of disagreement between us, but I feel it strongly.

The creative life is a scramble, and it is not my intent to alter that. Maria is living the life she wants to lead. She is  a strong and skilled person, she will have a great and rewarding career as an artist. I’d love to be of some help.

It’s good to have goals, they have served me well.

My other goal is to deepen and continue my work at the Mansion and with the refugees and immigrants. The more I do, the better I’m getting.

The need will be great, even beyond our current nightmare, and I am really beginning to learn what is useful and important. I want to fill the holes in their lives, not take them over or rescue them, or try to make their lives perfect. I want to stay humble, and do what we know we can do.

My focus on goals has made me stronger, more confident, less fearful. The fates willing, I will accomplish these new tasks, a powerful incentive to stay healthy and work hard.

We are in a good place with this work, this Army Of Good, on a good track, and I will stay focused on my goals. Who knows, in my new mindset I might actually make a good investment one day.

And I thank all of you who are supporting these refugee children, sending them on this valuable retreat and giving them the chance to talk openly about their lives and their hopes and fears.  And get some help.

Ali and I will not know what they say on that retreat, but I have the strongest feeling it will strengthen their difficult lives.

 

3 March

Bright New Day. Good News Is Piling Up: Taxes, Retreats

by Jon Katz
Bright New Day

I look at being sick this way.

It doesn’t feel good, but I feel unusually free to rest, I get to crawl into bed with one or two dogs lying by my side, read a good book, be lovingly cared for and then look forward to feeling better and appreciate my energy, work, life and health.

I never do old talk, young people get sick as well as older people, life is what you make of it. I see it does take me longer to bounce back these days, and this bout with pneumonia was the sickest I think I have ever felt. I have two chronic conditions that arouse care providers, diabetes and heart disease.

I couldn’t blow it off, but I couldn’t ignore it either. I ended up making three visits to my health center.

I am wary of going to see them, because somebody almost always suggests rushing to the hospital. Chronic diseases make them nervous.

Pneumonia does not blend well with either. My coughing fits were so severe I thought of heading to the hospital myself one night, it was hard to breathe and there was great pain. Fortunately, I have a wonderful nurse-practitioner named Karen Bruce (she caught the pneumonia right away, she said I looked like a corpse) listened to my lungs and put me on steroids, antibiotics and some kick-ass cough medicine that could fuel a rocket.

Maria is a wonderful caretaker for about one day, then gets restless and grumpy as she should – she belongs in her studio making art, and when she is cooking or doing dishes instead, she is no fun as a caretaker. (But she still does it, and that is true grace.)

I’ve never felt so weak.

Today, things have  begun to turn around. The nasty bio-storm is gone, the sun is coming out, I am getting my strength back, and good things are happening. Maria showed me two wonderful new creations, a pillow and a hanging piece, smiling from ear to ear. She didn’t skip much work after all.

We got our tax news, and for the first time in our lives together, we owe nothing, we get a small refund that will be applied to next year’s taxes. Our accountant does not let us keep refunds.

This is a matter of the greatest personal pride and achievement for me. One of my great remaining goals in life is to manage money well and thoughtfully. Four years ago, we declared bankruptcy, and it is a rare week when some Internet warrior doesn’t send me a message calling me a spendthrift and a fraud.

Some people are nice, some people are not, but we all have a right to be who we wish to be. Empathy, my highest aspiration, is my great aspiration.

I never learned about money when I was a kid, and I fled from it my whole life. Bankruptcy will get your attention, those people who think it evades trouble have never done it. It is a world of trouble and hard work.

The Great Recession and the collapse of book publishing and the attendant Real Estate Crash ate us alive. We have come through it. We both hated owing money, we hated not being able to pay all of our bills on time.  it was a hard time for us.

But bankruptcy is no picnic, and Maria and I have worked hard to pay off our debts, deal with lawyers and accountants, fight furiously and successfully to save our house, which we did by a whisker.

I had always farmed money management off to others, mostly my first wife. The first tax forms I ever even looked at were about six years ago, after my divorce. I was in shock, and promptly cracked up.

I’m on it now, and I like it. I like to know what I have and to plan ahead, it turns out I’m not bad at it. I check on every bill and every bank account every single day. Sometimes, fear is useful.

I vowed that I would learn about money and how to manage it, and so did Maria, and this year we worked hard and long to plan ahead, save for taxes, watch expenses and live thoughtfully. So we are both proud of this year’s tax result. Maybe I can even figure out how out to save some.

Today, I am optimistic enough to have donated the first $500 to the new fund to send the RISSE soccer team to the Powell House Quaker Retreat in Chatham, N.Y., in May.

Ali and i plan to bring the kids out to the Powell House next Sunday so they can check it out before going there.

I asked for  help from my readers and the Army of Good, and the contributions are coming in steadily, more than $1,000 so far. I need asking for $700-$800 more, but I am confident enough to go ahead and reserve the date, and send a deposit. The weekend will cost $2,100 for ten kids, two adults, food and board and two counselors who work with kids in need.

I have a lot of insurance and other forms to fill out. I’m mailing off the deposit today.

Life is never a straight line, never one thing or another, ever all good and serene. Light follows darkness, health can follow sickness, strength follows weakness, suffering is followed by relief. I am getting stronger every day and happily responsible for my own life.

I keep my own mind, make my own decisions, listen to others, follow my heart,I  always follow my heart.

So this is a good day for me, I am knocking down my pneumonia, I am stronger than it and wiser, I haven’t coughed for two hours, I have no fever,  I love the photos I took in the storm in the midst of my pneumonia, they reflected my feelings somehow.

So I am singing my song, and the birds will shake their heads at my creaky voice. I am delighted that we will be able to send the RISSE kids – very brave  and loving young people – to the Powell House and continue the process of finding out who they are and living their lives. This youth retreat will  help.

3 March

Call For Help: Need $700 For The Soccer Team Retreat

by Jon Katz
Need $700

Last night, in the middle of another Superstorm, I asked for help in raising $2,100 to send the RISSE soccer team to a two-day Quaker Youth Retreat that teaches empowerment, community and promotes individual spirituality. The Quakers have been helping refugees and immigrants for many years, this is not a trip for entertainment but for safety and growth. I think it could be a life changer for them (see below).

I began by donating $500 of my own money, and very quickly received almost $1,000 online. I need another $800 to pay for the meals, counselors, and housing for these children. This is something they need. You can read the details below, I’m re-posting this since so many people were understandably distracted by the awful storm.

Ali and RISSE will choose the attendees, but I think they will mostly be the boys from the soccer team, which was created to help them find a community and be safe. I don’t pick the attendees, and there are also issues relating to boys and girls staying overnight. If this works, we hope to arrange further retreats, RISSE and the Powell House are a good match.

I hope your recovery is swift and complete. Many people saw the post outside of the storm zone and generously contributed via Paypal. I know that some checks will come to my Post Office box (P.O. Box 205 Cambridge, N.Y., 12816. If there is an overage I will put the money in the refugee fund to support the refugees and immigrants, the soccer team and the new girl’s basketball team. They will need help also. Thanks.

Here is yesterday’s post. You are all quite amazing.

Today, I’m asking for help, launching a fund raising drive to send the RISSE soccer team (and perhaps some other children)  to a two-day youth program  at the Powell House, a Quaker conference center in Chatham, New York, just outside of Albany. I want to raise  $1,600 for an experience that will be of enormous value to these children, who have seen so much suffering and change.

(The weekend will cost $2,100, I’m contributing $500 of my own money to get it going. This could be very important for the soccer team, even life changing.)

I believe this would be the greatest possible gift for them, they are working so valiantly to move forward with their lives in America, even as controversy shrouds the very idea of the refugee, and they shrug off the growing taunts of their school classmates.

I am signing a contract Monday for a weekend in May to hold space in the Powell House,  where the soccer team players can spend two days on a weekend in May,  gather, talk to one another, with the help of the two highly trained and experienced counselors who run the youth program – Chris DeRoller and Mike Clark.

For months, I’ve been looking for the right retreat center for these kids, and then I remembered my own experiences working with the Powell House Youth Program.   My daughter Emma went there on some weekends, and I often stayed over to help the counselors. I was (am) a member of a Quaker Meeting in northern New Jersey.

The Powell House, located on a beautiful campus in the country, is the very beautiful and historic conference and retreat center of the New York Yearly Meeting of the Religious Society of Friends. (Quakers.)

It seems the place I was looking for was just an hour away.

Ali has been working with these young men for some years now, they are at an age – 13-15 when it would be of great benefit to them.

For centuries, Quakers have opened their hearts and meeting houses to refugees and immigrants. They helped Native-Americans driven off their lands and rejected slavery long before the Civil War.

The youth conferences, says the Powell House mission statement, “is for those who with to grow, share, and care in community. We welcome all youth. The group thrives in the wide diversity of spiritual traditions that our attenders bring. We practice and experience the testimonies of peace, equality, simplicity, integrity and community.”

In a sense, the Quakers saved my life. When I was 14 and in great trouble, I wandered into a Quaker Meeting House in Providence, R.I., where I was welcomed and helped, I believe they saved my life. I know what they can do.

The youth retreat, say Mike and Chris on the Powell House website, is a place to be safe and open, a time to rest and reflect, and to feel deep relationships. The Quakers have a long tradition of working with young people in special circumstances. I have complete confidence in the care and compassion of these people.

I can also say that this is something these kids very much need. They have all suffered trauma, and sometimes horror and have come together in this soccer team to form a powerful community of support and hope. The weekend would be structured and closely supervised, but there would also be freedom and safety.

I believe this weekend retreat is something they urgently, and deserve. So I’m asking for help in sending them on this two-day  experience – May 18-20, the money pays for six meals, two counselors, two nights.  Ali and a second teacher would be accompanying the team.

When I saw Ali in Albany with the team Thursday (Francis Sengabo, the founder of RISSE, is on the right), every single one of the boys came over to hug me, and I was profoundly affected by that.

I asked Ali if he suggested that, and he said no, it was their own impulse. We are becoming family. It meant a lot to me.

Ali has been watching over these boys since they were seven and eight – they are between 13 and 15 now, and they have all taken a blood oath to be friends all of their lives. I believe they mean it.

When I spoke with Regina Baird Haag, the co-Executive Director of the Powell House, about the retreat,  I felt an instant connection, she had an intuitive understanding of what these children needed and would benefit from.

This weekend is not about recreation, it is about empowerment and inner strength and trust.

She said the Powell House had been looking for ways to  connect with the refugee and immigrant community, if you believe in karma, ours was good. Quakers have a long history of supporting refugees. I felt this was meant to be, the Powell House and RISSE would both benefit from connecting with one another.

Regina said the Powell House would consider lowering the price if we couldn’t raise the money, but I didn’t feel comfortable with that. I said we wanted to pay their regular fee, if we couldn’t afford it we shouldn’t go. That’ s my boundary, and it feels appropriate to me. No misunderstandings or haggling.

She said she appreciated that, and I am hopeful we can raise the money.

Ali and I have already been fantasizing about finding a place where the soccer team could spend a week this summer, out of the hot and crowded city, and in a beautiful place with a pond and woods and space to run and play soccer. The Powell House might be it.

So no beating around the bush, I need $2,100 to do this.

Regina is sending me a contract on Monday, and I’ll sign it and set about to raise this money on the blog.  As I mentioned, I will be the first to contribute to this project by committing $500 of my own money to get it started.

That means I need  just $1,600 more to pay for the weekend.

If you wish to help, you can send a check to me  – Jon Katz, Post Office Box 205, Cambridge, N.Y., 12816, or via Paypal, [email protected]. Please mark your donation or check “Powell House,” and thanks for considering it.

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