Day: July 10, 2018

Toward the end of his life, St. Francis told the friars who were devoted to him, “Let us begin again, for up to now we have done nothing.” They were to become his most  quoted words.

I have  plunged into the writings and teachings of St. Francis this year, and it’s been a rich swim.

His life (1182-1226) was about bringing hope to darkness, perhaps the true creative and spiritual challenge of his time and our time.

It is odd for me to be so connected to a Catholic Pope who took the name of Francis, and who reflects his teachings in so any ways. The rise of Christianity brought a great deal of hope into a dark world, as well as bloodshed and division, and today, so many of us are looking for hope in our Age Of Anxiety.

It is important for me to look backwards for the guides and inspirations that move and shape my life today, I tend to find them in the past rather than the present.

I think that quote of St. Francis is one of the most powerful of the many  things St. Francis wrote and said. This iconic prophet’s  sense of beginning again, towards the beginning, or the middle, or the end of my life, at the end of a passage, or an era, or a journey, in the middle of fair and failure, when I just want to rest, or shed the past, or let go of disappointment, is profound and inspiring.

I see this as a call to rebirth, renewal, a kind of personal reconstruction, for this what I said to myself just a few years ago when I came to see my choice was rebirth or a kind of living and loveless death. Let me begin again, because up to now I have done nothing.

I hope that is what I will say at every mark or passage of my life. This is the call to rebirth, to self-awareness. We are small, we don’t matter all that much.

Francis was described as a man of all seasons, especially in winter and times of darkness, and conflict and death, when many of us don’t know how, or even want, to begin again. But that, of course, is when it most matters, that is the very time to give birth to ourselves again: in this vast and complex world, and up to now, I have done nothing.

We cannot change the world, wrote Francis, except and insofar as we have changed ourselves.

We can only give who we are and what we are.

We can only offer to others what we have been given.

We can’t just pray, we must be the prayer.

We can’t only have questions, we must be answers.

Francis, wrote  Richard  Rohr in his book “Hope Against Darkness,”  had no real agenda for social reform or compassion.  He “just moved outside the system of illusion,” wrote Rohr, ignoring it rather than fighting it,  just doing good better.

Francis said the best criticism of the bad and the hateful is the practice of the good and the better.

I live in the system of illusion today, and I believe the best answer to the hatred and argument bubbling all around me is to do good, better. I rallied myself to begin again, for up to now, I had done nothing.

And this is what I can say to myself  today, and at every turning point of life. This is my call to life.

Francis, I believe, discovered the gift of reconstruction. He knew how to begin again, and again and again.

He practiced doing good, better.

I suspect we all wonder how we might approach death, and so I asked Ed Gulley if he wanted to talk about it, and he did.

He wants to find a way to be productive and creative, and to find peace before he dies. He has given up on the idea that he has a lot of time left, and believes there is a book about his cancer, and how he responded to it.

I’ve told him that is not a book I can do, but I know how he feels. I came into the room yelling “Wake up, you crazy old bastard,” and he shouted back at me. He is always up for bullshit, no matter how bad he feels. I thought the hospice aide might faint.

Ed never want to be pitied or treated like someone who is sick. That destroys his pride.

Ed is asleep for most of the day now, and although he wants very much to sketch, he sometimes lack the strength and focus to do his work the way he wants.

As he loses strength and function, he is increasingly humiliated by his dependence on others for the most intimate and personal things. I think in so many ways that is the most difficult thing for him. As often happens in these kinds of situation he expresses his anger and frustration at the one he knows and trusts the most – in this case, Carol.

She wrote about this on her blog today. Ed has been turning away from her and avoiding her and asking to be left alone. It is, of course, the disease speaking, brain cancer affects perspective and emotion, and Carol, in addition to everything else she faces, has to bear the brunt of his frustration at being unable to do the things he has always done.

Ed and  Carol are very close, and we all know how much he loves her. So does she, but it is hard to bear.

The role of the caregiver is so difficult, and so complex. “I know I should not  feel bad for doing what is best for  him, but that is easier said that done,” wrote Carol. For sure. There is nothing normal or easy about her life now.

I sat with Carol for an hour today, Ed fell asleep just after our video, which he insists he wants to do. It was good talking to her. We talked about how just a few weeks ago, the two of them were out milking cows and farming. Her whole world has been turned upside down.

 

I am in a new for more  regular routine, I come in the afternoon every day – with a book sometimes, and some food that Ed likes  – and I talk to Ed, sometimes read to him,  sometimes just sit with  him while he sleeps. Sometimes Carol sits down and we talk. I think the afternoons are becoming quieter and more peaceful.

I think that is good for Ed and Carol. The hospice home aide comes every day in the afternoon now, that is essential for Carol, but hard for Ed to accept. Another sign to him of losing his dignity and freedom of movement.

Ed loves company and there is a lot of company, and many people stay a long time. Talking for more than a few minutes is exhausting for him now, and as he said in the video, it takes him longer and longer to recover from  fatigue.

I think the truth is that he is always tired now, every day, most of all day, I see it during the videos as well, although the seem to rouse him and bring up clarity and thought.

Today, I brought strawberries and some sweet corn. This is the first day sweet corn has gone on sale this season, that’s a big day in farm country, and I brought six ears for Ed and Carol, and also some strawberries.

Tomorrow, I’m bring some bananas. Ed’s mind is sometimes still quite clear, his body gets weaker every day. He is no longer comfortable sitting up.

The Mansion has posted a new Amazon Mansion Wish List, the dining room staff is eager to buy some new tableclothes to brighten up the dining room, they’ve chosen three styles and are looking for a total of 20 + tablecloths.

There are three items listed, ranging from $9.95 to $24.95 each. These are in the category of small things that make a big difference.

The Mansion residents spent a lot of time in the Dining Room – the bingo games are also held there – and some new tableclothes would brighten  up the room a great deal.

They are seeking three different kinds of tableclothes, six sets each.

You can check it out here.

I suppose it’s no surprise that art reveals our soul and perspective. I brought Ed Gulley a bunch of brightly colored markers, and they transformed his art for several days. The bright colors seemed to open him up, he was precise and confident about which ones he wanted to use and what he wanted to draw.

Yesterday, he was able to sketch, but something had changed, perhaps his vision and grip on the markers, his sketches were rough, the colors mashed together. This was one of the last ones he did in his outburst of color and energy, the pictures reflected his determination to be productive and his acceptance of his cancer, I think.

A Bridal Bouquet is a very particular kind of symbol.

We’ve sold all of the sketches and vases except for a few, and I’m bringing Ed and Carol $1,000 this afternoon. I decided this morning to put up this one, Ed called it “Bridal Bouquet” and I think it had all kinds of personal meanings for him.

It’s for sale for $100 plus $10 for shipping and I’m happy to offer it on his behalf. This art work has been a great boon to him, an active and creative man who was barely sick a day in his life. My feeling is that it is coming to an end.

If you are interested in purchasing this sketch, please e-mail me at [email protected], the first person to contact me will get the sketch. I’ll replay and give you the payment information.

This morning, Maria and I shipped out more than a dozen glassworks and sketches and thanks to the many people who wanted them right away. I have a few more to sell over the next week or so. Thanks so much.

Birdbath in the wind, after a thunder storm.