Sheep sneaking into the barn during the storm for more hay, even though they have plenty in the feeders. She sheep go up into the pole barn during the storm. The donkeys are snug in the barn, with hay, water and grain.

December 20, 2008- Tomorrow is the first day of winter, the shortest day of the year. It was about a year ago that I first wrote on this blog that I was falling into a black hole, dealing with success waves of depression and fear, and some confusion. This is why I began working on “Out Of The Shadows,” and posting messages about this emotional time on the blog.
  The year has been remarkable, painful, challenging and transforming. I have learned a lot about fear and how it works to shape our thoughts and lives. I found a clinical social worker who got me, with whom I connected,  and she challenged me to do the hard work necessary to change. I have worked hard. I have not missed an appointment, I have considered everything we discussed, I read a thousand books and talked to many more people.
  I had awful days, sleepless months, debilitating memories and waves of panic and fear. I kept going.
  I wanted to change, and was determined not to live in anxiety, impulse or a failure to take responsibility for myself and my life.
  I found out that some people who you think are friends are not, and some you don’t think of as friends are. I learned that fear is, in fact, a space to cross, and that one can learn to think differently about it. I learned how easy it is to lose focus in life, how difficult to regain it.
  I am happy to report that I am doing well, and am grateful for the process.
  I saw recently that I lost focus, forgot the purpose of my coming here. I am getting it back. The farm is becoming a quieter, more maneageable and more spiritual place again. I am returning my focus to the dogs, while keeping donkeys, sheep and barn cats.
  My focus is on my writing, and my photography. On my friends and family. I am making new friends, and good ones. I am returning to my search for a meaningful spiritual life, going to a nearby Church and, next week, back to Quaker Meeting for some centering.
  I am working on a new book. I will continue to make changes on the farm, to return it to scale, and myself to the proper focus. I am learning to look for peace internally, not externally. I believe in a simpler life. I got a message from Jennifer, expects to lose her house soon. She is trying to get past the anger, sadness and embarrassment, and see her loss as the next chapter, not the end of the story.
  She is doing something she never imagined doing, negotiating with a mortgage company to stay in her home. Despite that, she is determined to simplify her life, and, like so many people who send messages to me, is remembering the most important things in her life. In some ways, she says, the ordeal has already made her life better, more meaningful.
  So is mine. I learned this year that many people grapple with fears, real and imagined and suffer the pain of being terrified in their own lives. I decided to write my experience to help them, and to help me.
  I was quite stunned by the year, and by the pain and struggle of it, and I am getting my feet on the ground, making good and thoughtful decisions, feeling good about them, and learning to separate the fear from reality. I feel quite good about that. I don’t kid myself that the process is over, or will ever be completely over. But I am beginning to understand where I’ve been and where I’m going.
  One of my good decisions was to share some of this experience on this site, and that was a good decision too. My life has changed, and is continuing to change. I am committed to that.