“The future is not some place we are going, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made. And the activity of making them changes both the maker and their destination.”

             – John Schaar

   We have no choice about many of the things that happen to use in life, but much about the places we are going. I have lived in a dazzling world of energy and creativity – chaos and confusion as well – and stuck my toes into the icy water of life. Change is difficult, challenging, frightening and disturbing to many.
  On the way, I have learned a bit more each day about where I want to go, how I want to live my life. Throughout the ups and downs, I remain absolutely determined to get there – a place that is not perfect, nor an escape from life, but a place of simplicity, peace, creativity and love, insofar as that is possible.
  Nobody, surely not me, can control the zigzags of life, only the direction in which we want to go. I am on the road, a pilgrim like the rest of you, but I will not quit until I get as close as I can. I do not want to live or end my life in regrets, and I can’t wait to experience and create the stories in front of me. Like the poet, I want to be married to amazement.

  Maria, brushing Lulu and Fanny for the last time this afternoon, shot through the Beebalm by the big barn.
  I first fell in love with donkeys before I moved to the farm, when I herded sheep in Pennsylvania and met Carol, the lonely donkey. She came here with the sheep, and she died of a stroke a year or so later. I met a wonderful donkey breeder who sold me Fanny and Lulu, whom I instantly loved and have loved ever since. Next to my dogs, I have loved the dogs as much or more than any of the animals I have know. They are sweet, intuitive, spiritual, wonderful. They have lived with my sheep their whole lives, and are fiercely attached to and protective of them, and Darryl Kuehne fell in love with them, and needs guard animals to protect his flock of sheep. Without the sheep, the donkeys would be alone on this farm, with little to do.
  It seemed to me they belong together, and that the donkeys will be better served living on an active farm with their flock. They went into the trailer with the sheep, and Lulu put her head on Fanny’s back to support and comfort her.
 I spent much of the morning with them, brushing them and saying goodbye. I am not into sentimentality (or nostalgia) in writing or life, but I will say that was one of the most painful experiences I have had since coming to the farm. It was also a good decision for me and my life. And, I believe, for them.
  I am grateful to them. I have not lost a single sheep to a coyote, nor has a fox or stray dog penetrated the farm. I have spent wondrous hours communing with them, and receiving the affection and I am grateful they will go to a farm where they can continue to live good lives with excellent care and love.
  I am eager to move ahead with my idea of a New Bedlam Farm, a different kind of place, but an evolution, and a creative place. And a community of encouragement and, hopefully, inspiration, for me, the people I love, and my friends.

  July 26, 2009 – The sheep left the farm today. Rose helped get them into Darryl Kuehne’s trailer, where they headed off to his farm in Vermont. My life is changing, and the farm is changing, and Maria and I helped Darryl get them on his trailer and I said my goodbyes, as did she. Maria has been helping care for the sheep and donkeys for several years now, and it was rough on both ofus.
 But we are clear on the decision. We both want to focus our lives on one another, the dogs, our work. I will either do my work on this Bedlam Farm or a new one nearby. I want a simpler, even more creative life. I want to share my life, work more intensely with the four dogs I have, and write fiction and children’s books, and take good photos. That’s a full life. Dealing with hay, water, fencing, pipes, veterinary issues doesn’t leave me enough space in my head.
  These sheep have been with me since I bought Bedlam Farm in 2003, and we have been through innumerable experiences together, herding with Rose, shearing, lambing, blizzards, coyotes, movie sets. It became clear to me recently that I could not justify keeping a flock of sheep around when I simply didn’t have the time any longer, or the passion for taking care of them. Animals deserve to be wanted and/or needed, and Darryl is thrilled at the opportunity to expand his flock, and I can’t imagine a better home. I have been organizing Rose’s day differently around other activities – ball chasing, frisbee jumping and ATV riding, and she seems quite focused and happy.
  She is, of course, a dog, one of the most adaptable species of animal on the earth. I’ll take good care of her.
 She, of course, is not going anywhere, nor are the other dogs or the cats. Darryl says he would take the chickens, but I like having them march around and lay the daily egg. Chickens are pretty easy. Darryl got most of the sheep yesterday, and the rest today. I will miss them. I will move on.