A Good Decision

No animals in the barnyard

  How do you know when you’ve made the right decision?
  When it feels good.
  I saw a therapist yesterday, someone whose clear head and strength and insight guided me through a dark time, and I told her about my decision to sell the farm and focus on my Farm Journal, writing, photography, children’s books and Maria.
  That’s plenty for any life, she said. She thought my decision was clear, wise and strong. And she said something else that meant a lot to me. She said she believe the decision to sell the farm marked my evolution as a writer, an identity I was finally growing comfortable with. I didn’t need to be a farmer to write, or to have cows, goats, sheep and donkeys. All I need was my mind, someone to share my life with, and my dogs. Bedlam Farm is an idea, and it can go anywhere.
  A lot of people were generous in their support of my decision. Some wanted to psychoanalyze me, and others were outraged that the farm and the site would change. They didn’t like it.
  But several days after signing the papers, I feel good and strong about the decision. This farm changed my life, and my identity – the city-boy-turned-farmer-facing-chaos  was the story I created for myself. Odd, but it was true.
  But it seems that is not the whole story of me, not the self I am discovering. I don’t regret a second of the farm (and I may be living her a good while) but neither do I regret turning to a life that is simpler, more natural and reflects confidence in my own imagination. I don’t need a gaggle of animals to write about a farm. Dogs are different. I do need them. They seem to define me. Rose and I went out and tossed a slingshot ball for a good long while, and she had a blast. So did I. She seems less distracted and battered already. So, perhaps, do I.
 So it seems I want to be a writer of novels and a children’s book writer and a photographer, and I don’t have to have all of the stories eating hay in my backyard. I can actually make some of them up.
 For me, it feels like a good decision. I am learning who I am. This blog will always be a daily part of that process, along with my photos.