Autumn, Bedlam Farm

 Several years ago, I had a brush with a kind of mental illness that unleashed an extraordinary amount of fear. It almost did me in.
  I decided to write about it at the time, partly because that is what I do, and partly because it was a healing thing to do, and I wanted to share the experience and pass on some of what I learned.
   Openness does not really come naturally to me, and is always a bittersweet thing, in that boundaries are something a lot of people do not understand and can so easily violate using all kinds of new technology. Because I am open about some things does not mean I am open about all things, or care to discuss my life with much the planet. I always remember E.B. White’s caution to his readers: remember, there are 10,000 of you and one of me.
  People do not remember that, as a rule.
  That said, many of the people reading this blog have cheered me on, encouraged me, and convinced me sharing this experience was a good thing to do. I have loved hearing from most of them, and appreciate it. There are stalkers in this world, and some disturbed people and some of both have found me, but that will not keep me from trusting or communicating.
    I’m glad I did share the process, and I want to write some this week about some of the things I’ve learned. That was always the point.

 First, I am grateful I got help. Lots of people can’t or won’t. There is help, and it helps, depending on how much you want to put into it. I found a clinical social worker who has altered my life, and helped me to face it. When I meet people who are suffering from great fear, I do not try and save them, only point out as gently as I can that there is help, and it works. Can’t really do more than that. Some people want to deal with it, some don’t. It’s their choice.
  I wrote that fear is a space to cross, a geography. Some dangers are real, some aren’t. I think that is so true. Learning the difference is important. Having people around to guide me to reality was – is – very important.
  I learned the importance of having positive, healthy people around. Good friendships and relationships feel good, are nourishing, supportive, affirming. Bad ones are not, and do not.
  I am always wary of too much 12-Step jargon, also learning that a lot of it is true. You handle what you can control, and let go of the rest. I can handle my own life, my friendships and relationships, my work and my money and my farm and my photography. I can’t control the economy, accidents, or the fates and furies. Let it go.
  I have become discriminating about information. Most of what is broadcast on radio and TV is not news, and should go by its truthful name – opportunistic, disturbing and manipulative entertainment. It can really make people crazy, and is. I make my own news.
  I am learning to take care of myself. I balance budgets, eat well, exercise, and am healthy. I work hard, challenge myself, set goals and look ahead. I am eager for tomorrow and beyond, and I do not lament the passing of time.
  I have worked to open myself up to others, and it has brought me a wonderful new relationship. One has to do with the other, I think. Relationships are never easy, and ought not to be. But you have to make room for life.
  So I tell my story, whenever I can. On this blog. In books, in photos, to Maria. I am writing up a storm.
  Each day is an opportunity for me to be better, smarter, more loving, more creative. I work on those things every day. There is luck in the world, but I do believe I have much to say about my own destiny. I will cede to greater powers those things beyond my grip.
  I have learned a lot about forgiveness, and making peace. Soon, I will travel to visit my parents grave and give them a proper goodbye, something I never got to do.
  I am making peace with myself as well, or trying to.
  This week, I will write more about my perspective on fear, and the lessons I took from my awful but meaningful struggle with it. It has, in many ways, been the best experience of my life.