A child learns from Frieda (so have I)

For me, new experience is one of the miracles of life. Every day, I do things I never did, didn’t want to do, didn’t believe I could do or should do. This is across the board in my life, but particularly true of Frieda.  I have not had a dog quite like Frieda, a wild, sometimes aggressive, powerful Shepherd/Rottweiler mix. Frieda is as loyal and loving as she has been challenging and fearful.

Today I got a message from Rebeccah, a special education teacher. Frieda has been helping her with a student, she says. The student knows that Frieda was once angry, scared and mistrustful of adults. The student now looks at her photos, happy in the snow or by the stove. The student has connected with Frieda, Rebeccah says. It’s amazing, and very encouraging to her. The student now sees a reason to understand emotions, why he/she reacts in a certain way, and how to respond accordingly.

Rebeccah and the student talk about the steps Maria and I took to help Frieda, the patience, the training, the affection. Finally, the student understands that she, the teacher, is acting like Maria and I did, and that she is helping. A year ago, Frieda spent the winter in the Studio Barn in a crate, alone at night, and we ferried firewood back and forth all the through the winter to keep her warm. We hated leaving her out there in bitter cold and raging storms.

This winter, she has her bed by the wood stove, and is with us every night. We trust her, she trusts us. We feel she was given the opportunity to be part of our family, and she slowly and carefully responded to that.

Rebeccah’s was a beautiful message, and very much appreciated.  Frieda evolves. She is more trusting every day. So, I suppose, am I. She  and I love and respect one another.  This is evident in my photography, which she seems to understand and accept. A year ago, I could not imagine crawling across the floor and sticking a big camera in her face. Now, she opens her eyes,  wags her tail and waits for me to be done. Then she comes over and licks me on the nose. She I can take beautiful photos of her.

She accepts the nature and territory of the other dogs and her anger and mistrust have given way to affection and community. Dogs can teach us much, if you pay attention to them, and watch and listen.

Learning about meditation

I’m seeing some of the first benefits of sustained, disciplined meditation. Like many kids from troubled homes, I grew up hyper-vigilant, scanning all the time for trouble. It’s hard to turn my mind off. In recent years, I have, for various reasons, taken on this fear and tried to confront it in a variety of ways – therapy, medication, meditation. I’m off medication, still in therapy and beginning meditation, especially Zen meditation.

I am learning about breathing, posture, and in recent days, I have come to see more clearly how my mind works than ever before – not always an appetitizing thing. I see my fears and concerns sailing past like those rubber ducks in the water games at carnivals. One bad thought after another. I am putting other ducks in those boats – Maria, the dogs, my work, my life, my daughter, my photography. I am changing the course of the fear that I have always felt.

It comes, but I am beginning to turn it away, replace it with other thoughts, rebuild a part of my mind, a habit, a way of thinking and being. It is an extraordinary experience. Fear, I think, does not ever completely go away, not in people like me. But it can be managed, altered. At this point in life, what a magnificent opportunity – to actually learn how to redirect some of these thoughts and turn the fear away, walk through it. I am very excited about it. I was very dubious about meditation – quite a cliche in our culture. But I am beginning to see the enormous possibilities. They can it can change your life. We’ll see.