Guilt is about us, not them

Rose and Mother hanging out in the big barn, watching the sheep

Kathy e-mailed me that her 12-year-old farm dog has bone cancer, and has little time left.

“I keep asking “why my dog?”, she wrote.”I tried to give her the best life I could and my vet concurs. So why isn’t she going to live to a ripe old age and die in her sleep? My vet says it’s just “bad luck.” I know the vet doesn’t mean to be flip, and maybe it’s the only answer but it doesn’t seem like enough to me…How does an owner cope when their best isn’t good enough.”

I am sorry for Kathy’s loss and told her so. Her dog obviously had a wonderful life and was much loved.

But I also thought a lot about this message and its implications.

First off, 10 years is a ripe old age for many dogs. The average age for a dog in America is eight. They do not, as a rule, live that long.

Secondly, her vet is right. It is just bad luck. Why do people die at any age? I remember my cousin who died of cancer when he was eleven? How come? I will ever know. None of us can be God, and decide life or death. None of us can decide when a living thing in our care will die. And this is where perspective becomes invaluable.

I hope Kathy grieves for her dog in any way she needs to, and for as long as she needs. Nobody should tell anybody else h how to grieve, something I learned early on in my hospice work with Izzy.

Guilt is not the same as grief. Guilt is a very human emotion It is about us and how we feel, not about the dog. Dogs don’t feel guilt or experience it. They don’t blame other living things for their lives and fates. In this sense, they are superior to us. Grief is appropriate when an animal we love dies, even necessary.

Guilt is something else.

It is not about dogs.

Hot off the presses

Christine Nemec and The Image Loft have just printed some new notecards, for the Creative Union Show on July 24, and also for showing and sale on the Redux site. You can also call Redux at 802 – 867 -4611. The cards are a series on “Rose At Work,” “Bartleby”, the lamb, “The Donkeys” and some flower shots. Some are sold singly for $5, others in five-packs. All will be at the Affordable Art/Creative Union Show and can also be purchased in advance, online or on the phone. Maria is offering potholders, eyeglass cases, cell phone cases, e-book reader bags (not at the show) and is raffling off one her quilts in Dorset to benefit a family who lost six children in a fire in Ft. Edwards earlier this month. The idea for show seems to sparking a lot of interest elsewhere, and a bunch of art and gallery people plan to come by, they see, to see what Christine and Maria and put together. I’m excited. You can see Maria’s work on her new website, fullmoonfiberart. Maria and Redux are both on Facebook as well.

Bedlam Notes

July 14, 2010 – Cloudy, raining. Bedlam Farm is officially de-listed, off the market, not for sale.

My best lens, the 16-35 is still in the shop. I miss it. I will be more careful about dropping cameras.

My new Ipad arrives this week. It will be interesting to figure out how it works, how I will use it. I will not give up bookstores. But I also see the possibilities in buying books in this form. I’ll keep you posted.

We are getting ready for the July 24 Creative Union Show in Dorset, Vt., at the Redux Gallery. Maria is cranking out stuff in the Studio Barn and we have a new batch of notecards – Rose At Work, The Donkeys, Bartleby. They are available now for sale at the Redux site. The posters are up, food is ordered, invitations are out. We hope to sell some potholders and notecards – nothing more than $15 and make some points about art and the marketplace in a bad economy.

I’ve finished a draft of my short story collection, tentatively titled “Dancing Dogs,” and am not at work on the end of the Animal Grieving book. Married life is complex. Switching checks, insurance, cell phone bills, all demanding various stages of documents, codewords, security checks and passwords. The tragedy of technology. It creates wonders – the Internet – it takes away trust and simplicity.

Animal news. The donkeys are staying. The sheep are going for the winter. Hay is ordered. 150 square bales. The water is ready for winter.

And money. I have never handled money well. I am budgeting now, understanding my money, trying to put some in the bank. I have a fantasy that instead of hiding from money, next year I will have fun really managing it.

The meaning of panic

Rose gets to the office early, and gets to work.

I’ve been talking to some friends about panic, its origins, meaning and purpose. I think sometimes that panic attacks us when we are lying to ourselves about our lives or ourselves. When we are hiding from things, passing our fear along to others. It goes away when we face our lives, take responsibility for ourselves, and tell the truth about ourselves.

Panic is a geography. It is not real. It does not maim or kill. It is just a feeling. More and more, I came to wonder where it came from, and I learned to ask the same question whenever panic struck. Since this isn’t real, what is it really about? And I often got the same answer. I was not being truthful. I was lying to myself, and no wonder I panicked. Who wouldn’t. So I started telling the truth, and life did not change or being perfect,but the panic shrank to the size of an old penny.