7 November

Rocky, Are You Ready To Go To A Sunnier Place?

by Jon Katz
Rocky, Are You Ready To Go To A Sunnier Place?

We led Rocky out of the now fenced-in Pole Barn, where he spends the nights. The donkeys gather outside of the panels. To get him out, we have to stand and touch his nose and tap the panels, otherwise he walks into them and refuses to move, fearful of things he cannot see. The cold weather seems to be wearing on him, he is moving more slowly, losing some weight, his back curving down. His forehead and neck are raked with cuts and scrapes from swinging into things. He pays no attention to the donkeys or the sheep even when they are near but sometimes sniffs Red. He knows Maria and me, whinnies greetings to us.

We have decided to euthanize Rocky before the winter. We do not know when. We asked him this morning, “Rocky, Are You Ready To Go To A Sunnier Place?” We believe he is. Several animal communicators have communicated with Rocky, two of them got the same message. He was tired and ready to go, the third said he simply did not know and wanted his hay and his grain. I like to get these messages myself.

I’ve shared this with the people reading the blog and the people who love Rocky deserve to know and because I did not want to shock them, it did not seem fair.  I am committed to being open on the blog. The Internet is a curious new highway and it brings all sorts of things – support, understanding, hate, love,  rage, threats,  judgement, advice. I am sorry to be the cause of more rage and judgement, there seems so much of it out there. I believe it comes with a self-determined life. You can either go along or go your way.

There is a time to be open, and a time to be private, and we are now going to deal with this decision together and from now on in private – Maria, me, Rocky and the few very good people who are guiding us in this decision – an animal communicator, a spiritual counselor, a vet, a farrier, a farmer, two people who know horses and love them. That will be our circle, our counsel and support.

I see that many people have decided that we are euthanizing Rocky out of convenience – they seem to think we just can’t be bothered. A strange idea given how much we love Rocky and how hard we have worked to make him comfortable over these past several years. It was never convenient. Rocky is very old – 100 in human terms – and is struggling in the way ponies that age struggle. We feel it is not humane to put him through another winter and through other disruptions. I have never been good at conveying the pain I feel at times like this, I just seem to not know how to do it yet. Something to work on. In my life, it was always dangerous, and it is a hard habit to break.  Some people can see it, some can’t.

Many – most  – have been very supportive and empathetic. Many are angry, some cruel. I thank all of you, either way. Caring is a sign of being alive.  I see my role in the world as a shaper of color and light and feeling, not as a magnet for fury and judgement, but this is what our world is like now, and it is the world we all have to live in. All I can do is shine the light. Those of you who are angry or feel uncomfortable with me and my decisions, do what you have to do and peace and compassion to you. The measure of a good and right decision is not whether others approve of it, but whether I approve of it. I do. Maria does. How lucky I am to have her in my life.

But now is the time for Maria and me to support one another, and to do right by Rocky, not to explain or defend ourselves to people who do not know us. Whatever some people think, this is not an easy or a painless thing. Maria loves Rocky dearly, sweet things both, and she is not as used to the angry clouds of the righteous that swarm over our world as I am. I will give her every kind of support that is possible for me to give, that is my purpose right now. She will do the same for me. And we will do the same for Rocky.

The three of us are very much in harmony, very much in sync. We speak to one another all of the time, in so many ways. This morning, Maria asked Rocky out in the barn: “Rocky, are you ready to go to a sunnier place?” And I just burst into tears. Rocky looked her in the eyes and whinnied. Our mission is to do the best by Rocky, as we have always done, and will do to the end. Nothing about this story is or ever will be convenient. That is not the nature of my life.

Sometimes, my heart breaks for the awful reality of life and the struggle for love and understanding to live. It would be so much easier – so much more convenient – to not be dealing with this, to ignore, postpone or rationalize it in the way many people have urged me to do. I owe Rocky much. He is a spirit animal, he led me here, into this part of my life.  Mostly, I protect myself by moving forward, pressing on. It is, I suppose, part of the disease of being a male, of being me.

But I will say this – anger, judgement, suspicion, righteousness, all are small tyrannies – just look at what is going on in the world beyond this small drama. I will never surrender to them, as small tyrannies become big ones sooner or later, and it is not how I want my story to read.  It is true what the prophet said – if you fear the opinions of others, you become a prisoner and a slave to them. We will make our own decisions and we will stand by them and be grateful for the opportunity to be human beings and to live live fully. When we lose the ability to see one another as human beings working to find our own way the best we can, then we lose the very idea of being human. And of being humane. Every time we use anger and judgement against another person, a light goes out, the world becomes colder and darker.

Maria reminded me this morning that there are worse things in the world than death. Hospice work has taught me that important lesson. Some believe it is always humane to prolong life, others to help the helpless avoid some of the pain of life. That is where I am now.

So Rocky’s next chapter will become private now, as it should be. Our decision is clear, our decision is made. I will continue to post text and photos on the blog, but not about Rocky. I will talk to you again about it when it is appropriate, when I can. I think Rocky is going to a sunnier place. I think he is ready. That is my idea of being humane.

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