On the ground, it is cold, the snow and ice have not yet melted, the ground has not yet thawed, it is always muddy or cold. The sky tells a different story, it is a Spring sky, not a winter sky, the sun is strong, the sky is blue and dramatic. I am looking to the sky for Spring.
A few years ago, as many of you know, my world fell apart, I was caught in a bunch of raging storms, many of my own making, some a surprise. It seemed that the recession struck, I got divorced, I fell apart, and publishing as I knew it vanished all on the same day. In various ways, this happened to many people in the world in that strange and dark year, I have experienced nothing many other people have not experienced. In some ways, our world seemed a darker place after that year, but that inspired me to begin looking for the color and light in our world, and I found it, through Maria, my photography, my books and my blog.
Since then, my life has been a joy and a struggle, one alternating with the other. I have worked hard to balance my life, restore it to some sense of order. I found love and this transformed the darkness into light, the most precious thing.
I am learning that his year will be another challenging year, and it has kept me up nights so I have to be open about it, that is my signal to be authentic. The blog seems to sustain me, guide me, as does my wife, my partner. I am moving to a different phase of life, I will have to deal with money this year, I will have to pay a lot of taxes this year, I will have a lot of new expenses this year, my creative life will evolve this year. I ought to save some of what they call retirement money away, that has not been possible since all of the trouble.
I suspect my publishing life will change yet again this year. Since those dark days in 2008, I have been awash in change, and it often makes me dizzy and tired just to think about it. I have just finished the final book on my Random House contract and for the first time in my life as a writer, I am not sure where my next book will go or who might publish it. In the next weeks Random House and I – the only publisher I have ever had – will decided whether we stay together or separate. Either way, I am grateful for them for publishing so many of my books, I have been so lucky.
Money always has frightened and challenged me, this has been true my entire life, I have never quite gotten comfortable with it. I need to think about it this year, as do so many of the people reading this. I am not alone with it anymore, I have Maria to help me, she is sensible, wise and strong. I am so used to being alone, I sometimes forget than I am not, and that makes a world of difference. I see this year as another creative challenge in my life and that is what my life is about.
A friend told me about his divorce, and he said he realized it was time he took responsibility for his life, and this is what I realized five or six years ago, before I fell in love with Maria. We knew when we got together that we were giving up a lot of security, savings, the things people in America are told they must live for, we decided we would not live for that, I would not trade these years for all the money in the world.
When my world collapsed, I promised myself that I would never again live a loveless life, I would look for love, and I found it across the street in one of my own barns. A miracle. I promised myself a creative life, and I – we – have kept that promise. Now I must also face some of the realities of the world and live a balanced and grounded life. It is frightening to me, I am not sure I know how to do it, I am not sure I am good enough to do it, young enough to do it. That is the spiritual challenge, I think, to find the strength in me, the light in me, and unleash my faith and my promise. That is as exciting as it is sometimes terrifying. I mean to earn my way, pay my way, create my way. Just watch me do it, I tell myself, what a show it will be, a blaze of words, ideas, color and light.
This is the life I chose and I will take responsibility for it. I don’t think I was destined for peaceful years without challenge, I have never planned for it or valued it. I chose – we chose a creative life. For me, writing and the blog have always been a grounding experience, a way of being open, of facing my life and the world outside of it, the blog tells me where I want to go and puts it on the table where I can’t run or hide from it. This is the life I chose, and I will honor it and take responsibility for it.
Life is filled with crisis and mystery and challenge, the test for me is not whether I have a perfect life or an easy one, but the grace and courage I can find within me to live it honorably, compassionately and well.
And with love, always with love.
I think Zelda’s lamb (or lambs) has dropped down and will stay put until he or she is ready to come. I think she is just about ready, she will give birth when she feels like it, she has been lying down and resting by herself in the pole barn, something she rarely does.
I think the winter has taken its toll on Simon. Donkeys are active and curious animals, they love to work, move around, explore and graze and the donkeys and the sheep have been holed up in the pole barn for a couple of months now, the ice is only beginning to melt away. Simon has gotten grumpy with Lulu and Fanny and the sheep, I think the cold is hard on his legs, which have never completely straightened out after he was taken from his farm and brought to us.
It is cold today, but the sun is getting stronger, it is supposed to be getting warmer – although rainy – by the end of the week. I think Simon could use it, so could Maria and I.
We drove to Chatham, New York to have lunch with my friend and free-lance editor Rosemary Ahern, who helps me with my books. She has been a wonderful friend and editor for me, a safe and necessary place in the new world of publishing. On the way back we stopped at a row of shops – and at Jem’s – and we bought four turkey glasses to replace the many glasses we have broken. The proprietor happily agreed to let me take his photo.
