In Vermont, some farmers are growing sunflowers instead of corn and selling the flowers to power companies for bio-diesel fuel. a beautiful crop to see and photograph. Heading for New York early Thursday, I’m not bringing a computer, not blogging for a couple of days.

I hope to soak up the energy of New York, I hope to see the horses and the drivers, the mayor’s ban looms over them, I hope to find good Thai restaurants (easy there) and see some movies. Someone told Maria that I have been softened up by the surgery, but I suspect that is a projection. People feel softer about me since the surgery, I think I am actually edgier and more uncertain. I think people grow and evolve, but I am not convinced that they can become different people so easily, not even from getting your heart stopped. Real change takes a lot of slogging work.

I have never been easy around a lot of people, many people are not easy around me. I don’t really know why, it has been true for most of my life, I just accept it. I know I make a lot of people uncomfortable, I am surprised to hear I intimidate some people. You can never see yourself the way other people see you, I can say my wife does not find me intimidating in the least, which is a good thing, love does not bloom under those conditions.

I am getting pretty comfortable with who I am, I am learning to like me as well as my heart and my body. I am the only me I have. I have some good and close friends now, I like it. I have love in my life and I like that. I am writing every day and that makes me very happy.   I only love photography more the more I do it. Age can be liberating, not just confining, and I do not worry much about whether people like me or not or approve of me. That is one entitlement of growing older.

I ask myself two things when I write: How do I feel about it? Is it true? If the answer to both questions is yes and is known to me, then I am off. I mean to get lost in the big city, to drown a bit in it, to soak up it’s energy and chaos. I do not believe that the ban on the carriage horses will succeed, it is both unjust and indefensible, but I don’t want to take any chances on not seeing them before they are banned either, if that happens. I believe in truth and I believe in justice, and both ride on the backs of the big and beautiful horses.