20 November

Someone To Trust

by Jon Katz

I had a rough time one night this week, a lot of old fears bubbled up suddenly, I’m not sure I know why.

I never really trusted anyone to tell me my night fears were groundless until I met Maria and lived with her.

The other night, I woke up abruptly at 3 a.m., the symptoms were familiar – I was sweating, shaking, my heart was racing, old feelings of terror. Usually, I just lie in silence until daylight.

This night, I touched Maria’s shoulder and said, “Maria, I could use some help.” She sat right up, talked to me, brought me back to reality, told me what I was fear wasn’t real. She is always generous with herself, she loves to help.

Okay, I thought, it’s time I believe her, trust her to tell me the truth. And so I did. And then I fell back asleep.

For most of my life, I never believed anyone who told me it was okay.

Being mentally ill is an extraordinary experience, really, rich and challenging, and surprising. You can, if you wish, recover every day, but if you are paying attention, you know there is really no absolute cure.

It is always there, sometimes hibernating, sometimes hiding, sometimes roaring like a lion.

I think as much as anything, everyone needs someone trust.

8 Comments

  1. Amen! I never wanted to admit that I am very prone to anxiety, and the confusion that inevitably comes from it. I, too, have not been sleeping well some nights, last night being one of them. Bless you for your post. It means a lot to me.

  2. A few weeks ago, I had a panic attack for the first time in years. I didn’t even realize where I was headed until I was fully there. When I finally collapsed in bed, my husband lay down beside me and held me for a long time. Best medicine there is.

  3. I am so heartwarmed at your and Maria’s soul /heart connection. Such love and understanding among two people is one to be cherished indeed…..and I know you both do. That is evident. And…… this is a most beautiful photo of Maria…. such an expressive face and you captured it so well. Big, happy sigh here…you have made a brilliant spot in my day once again
    Susan M

  4. Not sure I have the words to express how Maria glows with love, peace, kindness ,and her radiance from her heart…
    It gave me a moments of reflection to slow down, stay in the moment.

  5. My doc once told me. You are born with anxiety. It will never go away. You will learn to how treat and deal with it. And I have! Finally found the right med combo for me. No more suffering and worrying and crying everyday.

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