Aging is a learning process for me, an open door I want to walk through.

Life is not only what happens to me, but also what I decide to make happen. I never really saw life in that way before, but the process has made me want to do new things and think in new ways. Life has its own ideas and will be heard.

I really had no choice.

I’ve lost interest in many things that clouded my younger life. I care only about what I need and what I love. I think about what I need and quickly let go of what I don’t. It’s silly of me to buy things I probably won’t think about in a few years.

I don’t want things anymore. I am so greatful I lived to learn that.

Maria and I are talking about merging our blogs into one new one, echoes of us writing our own things in the same space – the story of our farm and our lives.

I think ahead to the time when I won’t be blogging at all, and I’d love for my blog to be set up for the future with someone who understands the power of this new kind of art and loves it as much as I do. If it happens, we’ll do this with respect for each other’s individuality.

It won’t be my blog; it will be our blog, and it will say so.

The idea is not to move it all to my blog, but to a new blog: the story of Bedlam Farm, each told in our own way, each offering our own work. That is exciting for me.

I’m not past life in my mind unless I permit life to pass me by, and that is not something I have decided to do. That is a choice that needs to be made up front. I do tire more often and more easily, but with some rest, I am writing as much or more as ever, taking better photos than ever, and raising more money for our Food Pantry than before.

And strangely enough, I am happier than ever before.

A new reality is a nation in turmoil, division, and crisis.

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I didn’t foresee that or its cruelty, but it also offers me a great opportunity to help people in a number of new ways – flower photos, pastoral photos, honest writing about getting old  Doing good is meaningful work, inexpensive work, and it keeps me busy and content.

I can do a lot of good – small acts of great kindness  I’ve become more sure of myself, more confident, less interested in getting rich or famous  There is a loneliness to aging, even with someone I love, three dogs, two hens, two donkeys, and a Barn Cat I have come to love very much.

It’s more than I had before, which puzzles me, since aging is supposed to be a reduction, not a growth.

It’s strange to be the one who has outlived almost all of my friends and colleagues  Why me, I wonder  I’ll never know, except I’ve vowed to myself to make good use of the time that remains.

So what’s the bottom line, so to speak?

I have become what I do.  No more and no less.

Apart from Maria, I am the very same loner I have always been, careful to keep people from getting too close, and seeing so much I share in my writing, my blog, not face-to-face  That is a wound from my childhood that won’t heal.

I have gained respect for life  I don’t choose life; life chooses me  That’s both liberating and frightening, but I am getting used to it  So far, life has decided not to close me down. It’s keeping a close eye on me; I can feel it.

My big challenge these years is that they the spirits have called me to go deep into myself so I can discover and face everything I am and hope to be.

Right now.