Sax player, New York City, Central Park
“Awake from your slumber! Arise from your sleep!
A new day is dawning for all those who weep
The people in darkness have conquered the night
May our tears be turned into dancing
For the Lord our light and our love has turned the night into day.”
St. Augustine, “City Of God.”
As the sun rises, I take Lenore out to the barn and I see the light envelop my farm, and I take the deepest breath and am grateful for the experience of life. Every day a renewal, every day an opportunity. Mary Muncil, my spiritual counselor and friend, cautions me that life is not a battle, not a struggle. Yet I have not completely shed the notion of myself as a warrior for my own life, fighting every day to believe in myself, to open up, to accept the challenge of life and change, and to seek out the light and color of the world. A part of me comes from the darkness, and a part of me still respects and is connected to it.
Some artists remind the world of darkness, some remind people of the light. I’m going for the latter, as there is a huge crowd doing the former.
For me, life is a choice not an argument. I have foresworn a life of security. I am not doing many of the things our society tells me I should be doing. I am not accepting conventional notions of health care. I do not have a pension or money in IRA’s. My income is unpredictable, like that of almost all writers and artists, even successful ones. I even – gasp – post my presents to Maria on Facebook before I give them to her.
I am learning to accept myself and my choices.I have no right to lament my life, or tell my struggle stories, or seek sympathy for my troubles. I do not follow their news, or join in a political system that has nothing to do with me. I will not blame Wall Street or scummy corporations or Republicans or Democrats or Presidents for my life. I am responsible for it. I do not accept that I must be angry about the left or the right, nor do I believe the world is an awful place going to seed. I will not allow grieving or misery or complaint to dominate my life.
I accept my life. This is the life I have chosen to lead, and worked for, and I love every day of it. Life makes its own choices, and trouble finds me as it finds you. I have not chosen a perfect life, but instead an authentic one. How can I live an authentic life if you follow the advice of others and let people outside of our life make your decisions? How can I live in a meaningful life if it is shaped by a culture of fear, anger, or obligation.
If if frightens me, it is not a good thing for me. It if is offered me in anger or judgement, then I choose another way. I accept myself. I am not better or worse than you, but in almost every way, the same. My life is not a series of arguments, but choices. I accept it, with gratitude.
Every day, every dawn is a new gift, a chance for me to renew myself.
To cherish my days.
To seek love and affirmation, by which the world endures.
To make my own news. My own decisions.
To turn away from the anger and struggle stories of my lfe.
To do my work and make sacred the creative spark with which we all have been endowed.
To find my humanity, in my own life, and through the animals I am blessed to live with.
To live a life of self-determination, not of fear.
To avoid the new enslavement of fear, obligation and submission.
To think freely, and for myself, not in narrow and self-serving ways.
To cherish the choices of others, and make my own decisions.
To renew myself, every day. And again and again, forever.
There are times when I can heal myself and times when I can’t and I have spend some time in the last couple of years trying to sort out which is which. I’m going to the optometrist next week to get my eyes and glasses checked, and that isn’t something I can take care of myself. Neither is a broken leg or many chronic illnesses.
But there are many more ways to heal myself than I imagined, and given the chance, the body is an astonishingly effective healer. Even though our social system keeps alternative practitioners on the fringes, I have found some wonderful healers, and they are constantly showing me how my mind and soul and body can take care of me. When I began this process a few years ago, I was nearly broken, body and soul. I am learning all the time.
I had a bad fall last week, banged up my knee. I was heading for x-rays, pain-killers, probably an MRI, I was told. I went to my chiropractor myself and we decided to first see if the knee and bruise would heal. I got wobbly for a few days, as the pain was attention-getting and I was having trouble moving. But I used ice, elevated the foot, rested it, and I walked a lot, because I just felt it was helping my knee. I’m seeing the chiropractor again tomorrow and am happy to be able to tell her the knee is much better and getting stronger and more fluid every day. I admit to wondering how such a painful injury could heal itself. I trusted my health care, and their sensitivity to my feelings and comfort. I trust them even more now.
My health care is not casual. Except for emergencies, I avoid conventional medicine which has always left me feeling powerless, confused or frightened. I accept blood work, but in three years, no other tests. Although I was on prescription drugs for nearly 40 years for various things ranging from sleep to cholesterol, I am on none now.
I see a naturopath who gives me some herbal and non-prescription medicines. I take vitamins. I am learning about nutrition every day. I shop carefully, study labels, eat little or no fat or sugar, lots of vegetables in many forms and ways. Health through nutrition involves knowledgeable cooking and I do that as well. I am active in many ways that fit into my work and life and are comfortable for me. I seek a spiritual life and see a spiritual counselor, for I have learned that one of the elemental foundations of health is treating the soul as well as the body. They work in tandem for me.
I sought and found connection in my life, love and friends, and animals have been a seminal part of that. So has my writing and my photography, which has engaged me in the natural world in the most extraordinary way.
I meditate, every day. I see a massage therapist, and this, which I was intensely skeptical of, has powerfully altered my body and brought me a window into peace of mind and perspective. My fall was a blessing. Life sometimes brings pain, and not too long ago I would not have given myself the chance to heal. I am learning all the time. I am coming to see what holistic means. How wonderful a thing my body – which I have hated all my life – really is.
I consider each of these new practitioners friends. They take the time to know me, to talk to me. They respect me, and I am fond of them. I love seeing them, talking to them, sharing my life with them. I bring them books and photos and stories of my life and hear about theirs. They are available to me and take the time to get to know me well. I can talk to them about anything, all of them. In the face of pain, it is difficult not to panic, as the world is always encouraging me to do, and plunge into the other system. I did not do it, and I hope I will not do it. My health care is effective, inexpensive, compassionate and individual. It is efficient. My health has never been better.
Corporations, politicians and governments have little to do with my health care, other than to keep it marginalized.
