Waiting for us. The New Bedlam Farm. Gabriel Garcia Marquez wrote that we don’t give up on dreams because we get old. We get old because we give up on our dreams. Wallace Stegner wrote that you has nothing to do with chronological age. It is about times of hope and happiness.
People who talk about this economy are getting old. People who say “at our age” are old. People who say
isn’t it awful to get old” are old. Some of the youngest people I know are in their 70’s and 80’s and I know so many young people who aging beyond measure.
I never stop dreaming. Every day I dream of what is ahead of me. The books I will write, the photos I will take, the love I will offer to Maria every day of our lives together. My work with the dogs, my love for the donkeys, the things I have to learn, the experiences I have not yet had, the friends I have not yet made.
There is no point in our lives when we cannot experience growth, rebirth and change. A new home signals great change, is the manifestation of dreams, is a time of hope and happiness.
The idea of a home, and the nature of real estate has changed in the past few years. I never thought much about real estate. When you wanted to move, you just put your house on the market and someone bought it, and usually pretty close to what you were asking. Real estate is different new, fraught with strategies and omens and anxiety. One can no longer simply move when they want to without giving it some thought.
People wish me good luck on selling Bedlam Farm as if I were going to Afghanistan, worry and concern in their voices and eyes. None of this precludes the excitement Maria and I feel about buying our new home. Went to the bank this morning and took out a big chunk of cash for the certified check – that had me breathing heavy. We got some biscotti to bring to the closing, and Red is coming. I’ll make lunch for Maria – she is cranking out some very beautiful summer potholders – and then we’ll drive to the bank. My bank is Farm Credit East, a farmers co-op and unlike most banks, they are very humanist. You still feel like a human being when you deal with them, and they understand the drama of farms.
Then we’ll go over our new home, check in on our new horse. I think I ought to take Maria out to dinner tonight to celebrate. I feel exhilaration, this is a big step, a big move forward. Our heads are spinning with possibilities, and out there in the ether, some lucky human is going to get interested in Bedlam Farm.
“You can plan all you want to. You can lie in your morning bed and fill whole notebooks with schemes and intentions. But within a single afternoon, within hours or minutes, everything you plan and everything you have fought to make yourself can be undone as a slug is undone when salt is poured on him. And right up to the moment when you find yourself dissolving in foam you can still believe you are doing fine.”
– Wallace Stegner, “Crossing For Safety.
A friend told me on the phone last night that my closing on our new home today was the biggest day of my life, and that startled me. I think of my daughter Emma being born, of my marriage to Maria, of my decision to break away from my old life and become a writer as being big days in my life. Yet I thought my friend was right. In many ways, all of these things, all of the other big days, big decisions, books and photos, dogs and donkeys, ups and downs, breakdowns and counselors, terror and spirituality, all led to this day. To finding my true self, living my true life.
I have lived a hard life at times, and an easy one at others. I was not born rich, and have never been rich, although many people assume even minor celebrities are. When I came to the farm, I lived a big and illusory life. Having a movie made about you can mess up your head, fuzz your perspective. It’s like all the “likes” on Facebook. It’s easy to stroke a keyboard, but it doesn’t always mean much. People love your writing, but few of them actually buy books. People tell me every day that this or that photo ought to be a notecard, but I know they rarely buy them when they are. People tell me every day I have a perfect life, even as I know I do not.
Part of the search for an authentic life is to find your own reality, know who you are, come to terms with your life. What you think, not what people tell you.
That’s what this closing feels like, that I am finally coming to terms with my life. I am buying a house with Maria, the love of my life, and that is the big thing. It feels as if this is where I belong, this is where I was meant to be. This is the last house I will ever buy in my life, I believe, the house in which I plan to die. And I have never thought that before about a house. I have struggled for years to find out who I am, and it has led me to this day, this house.
This is crossing to safety to me, a great plan that may turn into foam – I know that is possible. But more than that, it feels like the place where I will have the best of times, a place where love and friendship has its home and happiness its headquarters.
I didn’t want to shoot a video of Rocky until he belong to us, was one of the Bedlam Farm animals. He is a great addition to this crew. We are closing on our new home at 3 p.m. today and that is stirring up a lot of thoughts and feelings in me, which I will share, you poor people ):. Rocky drew me to this farm, then Maria and he is the spirit of our move. Now there is Red who seems to be an animal Rocky trusts. The two are already hanging out together, but then Red seems at ease in almost any space.
I shot this video yesterday. Today Red gets to move into his own stall. Florence his owner loved him dearly but she had a set idea about animals. Ours is a little different. We plan to put him in the stall during the summer days, let him out for a few hours at night. Our sense is he needs to be shielded from the sun and some weather. He has weakened even in the last few months. We will have fresh water nearby so that he can go down to the marsh or not.
Rocky touches me deeply, and on many levels. Maria as well. I can’t wait to integrate him into our daily lives and routines. Maria has a lot of animals to love now, and she is up to it. This closing day seems to be a very important day for me. More later. Come and meet Rocky in a new way.
