Day: January 26, 2014

When I turned 50, I set out on the hero journey, I moved to a cabin in upstate New York, I wrote a book called “Running To The Mountain,” I spent a year on a mountaintop in search of the key to meaningful life, a spiritual life. Just as Joseph Campbell warned, you can fall into a dark space on the journey, if you are fortunate, magical helpers in the form of people and animals appear to guide you on the way.  My life changed at 50, I had initiated a powerful process of self-examination and change, it is underway still, it will never stop. It changed my life, my work, ended my marriage, re-constituted my life.  I am getting stronger by the day, clearer about who I am and who I am not, learning to stand in my truth, that is, at times, a more and powerful experience than I realize.

The most powerful thing I encountered on the journey was Maria, she gave me love and light, she awakened my withering soul, she gave me purpose and meaning, supported the creative parts of me, taught me the meaning of generosity, loyalty and true love. I hope 50 is as meaningful for her as it was for me. I gave birth to myself, not once, but again and again. And even now, again.

Maria turns 50 this week, we have been on an extraordinary journey together. I am nearly 17 years older than she is, I think we both know what that will ultimately mean I think it is more on my mind than hers, she doesn’t really dwell on that sort of thing. I am taking her to an inn in Vermont for a couple of days, she loves it there, we are alone, without the distractions of technology and work, just the two of us together, when are both the happiest we have ever been.

My wishes for Maria, on her birthday:

I think I alone know how far you have come, how much of a struggle life has sometimes been for you, how much pain you carry within yourself. There are still many nights when you awaken in terror, struggling with the most awful dreams, feeling so badly about yourself. In the days, you are stronger ever day, every hour, you are finding your voice, in your work and your life, you are making wonderful friends, creating your work, selling it to the world. Your life-long identity and hope, to become an artist, has come to be, as you have awakened me, I have helped to awaken you, when we meant you doubted you could ever be an artist, again, now you know you could never be anything else.

I wish you continued strength in finding your voice, silent no longer.

I wish you, no longer broken, to be whole.

I wish you continued beauty and grace, your beauty is in your soul, your smile, your loving heart and your soul. (The rest of you ain’t bad either.)

I wish you the continued gift of creativity, a radiant jewel that shines in your heart, that ignites your soul.

I wish you continued happiness on your path to friendship, you are the warmest, most genuine and authentic person I have ever known.

I selfishly wish for a deepening of our love, already profound and rich. We have been married more than three years, I love you more every singe day, I love you more than I did when we met, when we got married. Our relationship has grown and matured, we are safe enough to argue once in awhile, we laugh at one another every day, and we both relish the joy of re-connection. We always come back to each other, always, it is our destiny. Our souls are entwined, we are each a part of the other, for all time. We are locked in an eternal dance, the dance of the kindred spirits.

I wish that you continue to know and understand yourself, your strength, your brilliance, the radiant light that shines inside of you. When I had given up on life, I found you right across the street, you are my rock and my salvation, I hope I can always be the same for you.

I wish for you that the great pain that still lives within you continues to weaken and fade, and that it continues to be replaced by light and color and joy and compassion. And your wonderful, ever evolving art, the center of your being.

And when that likely day comes when I will have to leave you behind in this glorious and challenging world, I wish you another chapter, another love, just as rich and nourishing as this one. We both know that when one opens to it, it appears. Happy birthday, glorious person, you deserve every happiness there is on this earth. If there is a God, he will grant you all that you could possibly want, and more, as you are everything he hoped human beings would be – generous, kind, loving to Mother Earth, a Mystical Prophet Of The Creative Spark.

 

For most of her life, Flo was on the other side of the glass, in the cold looking in. A barn cat, she knew no other life, no other way, she feared the house, the people and the dogs inside of it, she hid from us.  Her life has changed, ours too, now Flo studies the cold from her perch by the living room window, she always finds a high spot and curls up, she waits for me to take a nap and settles on my chest, we rest together. Maria says she loves me, but how does one know what a cat loves?

I did enjoy taking this photo of her, through the looking glass, on the other side.

Maria’s birth is Tuesday (not Monday as I reported below..oops!), she is rounding the big 50, a half-century of good life. We are heading off to Vermont Monday to our favorite inn, the placed we went on our one-day honeymoon, the place we always go to mark some of the events in our life, or just to rest. We stay in a big old room, hundreds of years old, that was Paul Newman’s favorite room when he came to Vermont, which he often did.

There is nothing for us to do but sleep, eat, talk, talk some more. Maria and I are going to Bellows Falls, Vt., she is getting a new tattoo, I am getting some work done on an old one. We might run down to Brattleboro to get the Korean restaurant lunch we missed last Sunday. I am still dealing with the stomach virus that has been wreaking havoc with my insides, I am getting it under control, illness wreaks havoc with diabetes and I’m getting that back under control as well.

This morning, a vigorous round of farm chores in preparation for the trip: cleaning out the water buckets, stacking hay up for Deb Foster in the barn, and shoveling out mounds of manure frozen to the barn floor this cold week. Today some sunshine, maybe some photos. We leave early Monday. I’m not bringing my computer, just the camera and the Ipad.

My bedroom window is my window on the world, the start of the day, my weather channel and barometer, the spark that ignites my gratitude for every single day that I am alive, for my wife, my friends, my animals, my camera, my blog and my books. For life. My window on the world tells me if the sun is coming out or not, if it will be warmer or colder, if my wonderful artist companion has re-arranged my windowsill gallery with her magical imagination.

Tomorrow is Maria’s birthday, I am spiriting her off (she is always reluctant to leave her work) to a wonderful inn in Vermont for two days, we will sleep and read, I am bringing my first Dystopian novel, “On Such A Full Sea,” by Chang-Rae Lee, and “The Wind Is Not A River,” by Brian Payton. Also an Elmore Leonard mystery, “Swag.” We’re not leaving until Monday, so more blogging and photography today, it is very cold her, but easing up a little bit, we might make it over zero today. I’m kicking off the birthday festivities by taking Maria out to breakfast at the Round House Cafe, planning dinner – ground turkey, maybe with vegetables. I made linguini with clams last night, it worked out well.