I had a nightmare recently, I was very old and sick and in my dream, and Maria could no longer care for me, I was sent away to be myself, or in some kind of institution. I am older than Maria, I sometimes worry about whether or not she would or could love me when I start to fall apart.
I woke up, and she touched my arm and asked me what was wrong, and I told her about my dream. “But you know,” she said, “I will never not want to be with you.” The curious thing is that I do know, my subconscious, the deep resident of my fear, was going off on its own, as it does, but life has taken me in another direction.
Love is like that, I think, a new experience for me. Love is about trust. Love changes everything. Everything. Everything was different before love for me. I did not know how to trust. I did not know how to give. I did not know how to receive. This morning, she tells me she would like to give me a Valentine’s Day present, she wants to go out and do the chores while I stayed warm in bed.
Please, she said, let me give you this gift. I accepted. I couldn’t do it, though, when I looked at the temperature I threw on some clothes and rushed outside to help her. She wasn’t agree, she gave me a kiss and smiled. She accepts me. Just the way I am. And I accept her. Our strange quirks and moods are not a reason to be annoyed, but a celebration of love, each in their own way.
It is a miraculous thing to know this life. To learn this trust. It is a remarkable gift to be loved. I must be a good person to be loved by someone like this. And the parts of me that are not so good are loved as well. We inspire one another. We support one another. We complete one another. We each want the other to be free, to be fulfilled, to be successful.
Nothing is really true unless I tell her, there is little of meaning unless we share it together. Her every triumph is mine, her every smile a gift of the cherubim. I do believe she is an angel, sent to bring light and warmth into my woe-begotten life.
I have hurt people and been hurt by people, I am learning to let go of that and accept this gift of life.
If that day comes when I am coming apart, and when it comes, I know she will, in fact, want to be with me. Not out of duty, but out of life. Love out of duty is just another lie.
Every day, I am learning what it means to love and be loved. Something I had given up on, something I thought I would never see or feel or know.
Happy Valentine’s Day, sweet and precious thing, I bow my head to he miracle of you. I have never known so good and true a person, and I will be there every minute for you as well.
And Happy Valentine’s Day to the rest of you, do not ever give up on love. When you are ready for it and open to it, it may be just across the road.
