Day: October 26, 2016

I learned some time ago that if you cannot tell the truth about yourself, you cannot ever know it about other people.

Franz Kafka wrote of honesty: “Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.”

Eight years ago, I sat in a therapist’s office in Saratoga Springs. It was a bitterly cold snowy day, I had driven long hours through an ice storm to meet my appointment, I was desperate for help and never missed a single appointment, I thought I would break apart if I did.

I will always remember the moment, I looked out the window at the snow swirling in the parking lot outside, my therapist, who I had come to trust and respect, looked at me and asked: “you know you’re not married, don’t you?” It was a shocking, even stunning thing to say to someone who had been married for 35 years and expected to be married until death, and who never, thought for a single second, that he was not married.

The therapist explained what she meant, and I saw the shattering truth of what she said. I was not married. It was a profound and even horrific moment for me, and for several reasons. I had been married a long time to a very good person and the very idea of being unmarried was shattering. And then, there was an equally horrific realization.

I didn’t know the truth about myself. I didn’t know who I was. My life was built on lies and delusions. If you’re lonely when you are alone, said Jean-Paul Sartre then you are in bad company, I was in bad company. I left the therapist that day and called my wife and I told her that we were in trouble, and we needed to talk about it.

A few months later, we separated, and then filed for divorce.

I saw that I was living in delusion, in a sense, my life was a disconnected fairy tale. I promised myself I would never lie or live in delusion, I would write openly and be as authentic as I could be, I would seek, as Kafka urged, to see the truth, to never bend or water it down, or try to make it logical.

I wanted to own myself, to be responsible for myself, and to stop editing my soul to please other people, or appease them, or live according to the fashion of other people.

I have followed my most intense obsessions mercilessly and unwaveringly: my writing, my photos, my love, my concern with animals. I know who I am, I am learning what I am, good and bad, and accepting it. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love anyone else, and if you do not know  yourself, you cannot know anyone else. My great fortune at finding love was the first sign that I was on the path to honesty and authenticity.

Because you cannot find true love if you do not know the truth about yourself, and when you find it, you will suddenly feel safe and calm.

I suppose I will never really and finally get there, to complete authenticity, our lives are often shaped by many things, including, sadly,  the judgment of others. We tell the truth, said Sartre, by being honest again and again and again. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to learn, and it is difficult still. All of us often define ourselves by what other people tell us we are and make us think we are.

There is no more difficult question in my life than “who am I?” My idea of who I am is perpetually under siege, it seems every day someone is telling me what to think, who I am, who I should be, who I am not.  This is not a war, or a bitter conflict, but a process without end, I accept it. I am learning to be direct. To say what I feel.

We are challenged again and again, and urged to bend. If I bend, I will break.

Today, I called a valued friend who was struggling and overwhelmed, she asked me to call, she wanted to know what I thought. “You have to get help,” I said, and she said she would. Just like that. And I felt good and true to myself, and I felt good about her, and her courage and strength. We were so honest with one another.

In this way, I am learning who I am, and I mean to never again in my life sit in a chair on a wintry day and have a stranger tell me the truth about my own life.

My son-in-law Jay Jaffe thinks Robin looks much as he did when she was a baby, but I think Robin looks a great deal like Winston Churchill did when he saved England from the Nazi’s in World War II. All she needs is a cigar and a glass of brandy.

Robin seems to be amused by the world, quick to smile, and already at ease with Pearl, the wonderful Yellow Lab Emma took from the first Bedlam Farm to live in England. I am happy Pearl has hung on long enough to meet Robin and hang out with her a bit, I think she wanted to meet her.

So Robin is sitting up and putting a wry and wise gaze onto the world. I am thinking of going to see her again next week, before her mother returns to her work as a senior editor at Sports Illustrated. A sense of humor is important in life, so is some perspective, and Robin seems to be developing both traits early on.

Perhaps we can make some trouble together. Pearl is a sweetheart, she is all love. And food.

I’ve been taking pictures of Ken Norman and his daughter Nikolene for years now, Ken’s face gets wiser and more expressive. He is one of those men who says little but speaks with a big heart, he is ready to help any horse or donkey lover in need, and he has a wonderful way with animals. It’s been a gift to try capture that face over the years, it is always full of character and generosity of spirit.

You can now pre-order Talking To Animals from Battenkill Books, my local independent bookstore,and I will personalize and sign it any way you wish. You may also (depending on supply) get a picture postcard from the farm and/or one of Maria’s potholders.

(Note: several of you have written her asking for a free potholder. Sorry it doesn’t work that way. Maria will make a dozen or so potholders and she will give them to Connie Brooks at the bookstore, she will select them at random from book buyers. In the interests of fairness, they can not be reserved or set aside upon request. If you want one badly, they are only $15 plus shipping, you can e-mail Maria at [email protected]. They are quite a bargain. Otherwise, the selections will be random. Everybody will get a free tote-bag celebrating independent bookstores. And thanks.)

The book chronicles my life-time work communicating with animals and listening to them. I tried in the book to articulate a new and more mystical way of understanding animals so that we may keep them in our world.

The book will be published next Spring. You can call the bookstore at 518 677-2515 or visit their website, they take Paypal and major credit cards. They are very nice. And those who pre-order, thanks for supporting me and my work, and also independent bookstores. We need them.

Pasture gates are important, we have working to figure ours out for months, and are still at it. First, there is the question of ease. You need a gate that closes behind you and latches. You need a gate the animals can’t lift up with their noses. You need a gate that would draw water or ice. You need a gate that won’t rise or fall in frosts and cold spells. You need a gate that can withstand big animals nosing against it, leaning on it, or kicking it.

We have spent hundreds of dollars and worked with three or four different carpenters. We put the wood posts in cement. We got a new gate. We got a new latch. We put many pounds of stone and pebble around the gate so the animals can’t dig holes and the water will pass through. We put half a truck-load of gravel around the gate and the water tank so that it won’t pool and freeze, and can run off along a downhill slope.

Today, Maria, as handy as any handyman (she is a wonderful artist, but also a helluva a farm wife), cut up a plastic jug and screwed it over the latch to keep the rain off so that it doesn’t freeze in the winter, a big problem with metal latches. We’ll see if it works.

Gates sound like small thing, but they are a big thing. We use them on and off, they prevent escapes, they are the pathway for hay and people. We are almost done with this gate, it is almost right. It will take awhile longer, I am sure.