Day: December 29, 2016

In my years in the suburbs of New Jersey, I struggled almost every day with how to be there. I always wanted to be in Brooklyn. I was not healthy in many ways, and my own values were repeatedly upended. When Emma was young, she read so much I almost took her to a therapist so make her more “normal,” that is, to play soccer and go to parties and obsess over clothes. She never did any of those things, she read and read and read.

And the funny thing is that is exactly what I did when I was a kid, and my parents also thought I was disturbed and abnormal. Emma and I are both voracious readers and bookstore rats, we went for a walk in Brooklyn Tuesday with Robin and ended up at the Green Light Bookstore in Fort Greene.

When Emma was very young, I took her to a wonderful neighborhood bookstore in our town, it was called The Open Door. The owner, Jane, adored books and children and she has a special seat for Emma to sit on on Saturday mornings when we showed up, quite faithfully. Jane would have a pile of books out for Emma, and Emma would sit in this wooden rocker and read.

After leading her to books, I became concerned that she was not doing all of the things other kids were doing in the suburbs, which I never wanted to be in in the first place. There is not accounting for the stupidity and hypocrisy of some parents.

The Green Light a wonderful bookstore, much like our own Battenkill Books here in Cambridge. It has the same kind of feel to it.

I got Emma a gift certificate to the bookstore as a Christmas gift, I think it is probably gone already. What ever else is going on in our lives, we always can connect over books. I loved this photograph of her submerged in books, her daughter in the stroller soaking up the same vibe.

If I could go back and do it again, I would heap praise on her for reading and make her feel good about it. Not that my blundering slowed her down in any way, book wise. Some things are so ingrained in the human consciousness that even a parent can’t screw them up.

As a parent, it was difficult for me to stick by my guns in a Boomer child-crazy town, I loved that Emma read, but a part of me thought it would not prepared her for life. My father had the same idea about me. As luck would have it, she paid little attention to me.

Maria and  just got back from a two-trek to Brooklyn, a Christmas gift from my daughter, who rented a gorgeous three bedroom suit in an apartment building right next door for us. Emma took us on a walking tour of Fort Greene on Tuesday, cooked a meal for us Tuesday night, Wednesday we took her to see La-La-land at a neighborhood movie theater.

The trip was upended a bit when I got a wicked stomach virus and was brought down Wednesday afternoon and spent the evening in bed. We got up before dawn to catch the first morning train upstate out of New York City, a good-sized snowstorm is hitting our area, we just made it out. Our train was halted several times by snow, but we made it home.

I had fun seeing Robin.  We played a bit and I got to read her some bedtime stories.

Someone asked me what my ambitions for her were, and I said I didn’t really think it was up to me to have ambitions for her, that is for her parents. She is only three months old, but I see a determined woman in those eyes. If I want anything for Robin, it is for her to have the determination and strength to follow her dreams.

I love La-La-Land because I celebrate the idea of people who follow their dreams, something the movie also celebrates. I know it is hard and I respect anyone who makes a different choice.

I often tell people not to get a day job if they wish the life of the artist or writer, because they will never muster the will to follow their bliss if they have security and money.

Some people bristle at that – we have to survive and pay the bill, and they are correct, but I am a prisoner of my own experience. I dreamed of being a writer when I was a kid, not much older than Robin, and I resolved I would be a writer, no matter what. I never let anything stand in my way, and I hope I never do.

It has not been a simple or easy life, none of us get to have all that we want.  We both gave up security and money. But we have kept the lights on and we pay our bills.

Few meaningful lives are simple or easy, I do now wish to live a substitute life. But I did it, and am grateful. Maria did it, and she is grateful. It is a precious thing we both share with one another, a reason we both cried several times during La-La-Land.

I enjoy Brooklyn, it is the world capital of creativity right now, bursting with buildings, restaurants, young, hip and creative people. We love coming home to our farm and animals in our country farmhouse, close to nature. Clearly, this is where we belong.

I don’t know what’s in Robin’s head, but when I look into those eyes, I see some steel and resolve. Some determination. I don’t know what her dreams will be, and I will certainly not be around to see them,  but I hope she follows her dreams and never lets go of them.

Sacred are the dreamers, we all need them so badly.