Maria and Red and I got to the Mansion just after lunch today, just in time to meet Connie, who was coming home after several weeks in the hospital and a rehabilitation facility in Saratoga Springs, N.Y. Connie came with her son Mike and about a dozen huge plastic bags filled with books, cookies, letters, messages and other gifts from the Army of Good, a special crew is going into her room tomorrow to sort all the stuff out.
She was exhausted and in pain, but thrilled to be back home and there was a palpable buzz in the air as the other residents and staff saw her or learned she was back. A long and loving line of people came to hug her, welcome her back.
Jean, one of her closest friends came up to hold her and hug her. “Why didn’t you tell us you were going away?,” she asked.
“Because I left in an ambulance said Connie,”it happened pretty fast.” Maria and I were very happy to see Connie. She has had a long and painful ordeal, but some dedicated and skillful physical therapists at the Wesley Rehabilitation Center got her up and moving. The Mansion staff will continue that work.
We left Connie alone to rest and settle in. We’ll check back tomorrow. She and Red had a loving and warm re-union with Connie, so did Maria.
Connie’s room is stuffed with gifts and packages and letters, we don’t yet know what’s in most of them, you are a loving and generous group of people, and I thank you from my heart. Your messages made an enormous difference to Connie, they uplifted and inspired her when she most needed it. At a painful time, she knew she was never alone.
Red has a powerful effect on he, he just lifts her spirits.
I can’t see where we could even put many more letters in her room, but the Mansion will find space to store them. Thanks, thanks, thanks.
Robert is quick to tell me that he was a builder, it is still his identity. He talks about the kitchens and counter tops he loved to make. People at the Mansion often take care to remind strangers of the work they did, it is important to them. Robert is married to Shirley, they are the only married couple at the Mansion. When married couples come to assisted care, usually one of them is ill and one is not.
Robert came to be with his wife Shirley. I got to know Robert when he submitted a story for the new book “Tales Of The Mansion,” now for sale for $10 from Battenkill Books. You can order this wonderful book here, or call the store at 518 677 2515.
Robert won first place for his short story, he is on the cover of the book.
I’ve learned to approach the residents carefully and thoughtfully as I try to learn how I can possibly help them. They are not used to outsides offering to give them things. I am always careful how I do it.
Robert was sitting on the porch today by himself, he looked lonely, and I asked him how Shirley was doing. He sighed, I can’t discuss the details of our conversation. He looked a bit down.Time to try to help.
He gave up everything to come and be with Shirley in the Mansion.
The Mansion residents are proud and independent, they never ask for anything or acknowledge needing help. They are always startled when asked this question, and they need time to think about it and get comfortable with it. Many of the residents have no idea what Red and I are doing there.
Some of the men dislike and fear dogs and we keep away from them.
I do it this way.
“Robert, is there anything I can do to help you?”
“No, Jon, thanks very much. That is kind. I don’t need anything?”
“Great, Robert, that’s good. I’m just curious. Is there anything you miss a lot being here?”
“Well, he said,”I do miss my house. And I miss Builder Magazine, I guess. I was a builder you know, and Builder Magazine has all kinds of interesting articles. I miss it.”
“Would you like me to get a subscription for you? I can do that.”
“Oh, really, Builder Magazine? I could pay you for that.” He looked at me, disbelieving.
(The Mansion is a Medicaid residence, and money is always an issue for the residents, it is one reason they are often afraid to ask for things, they are concerned about whether or not they can pay, and they often assume they will have to pay for the things they receive.)
“It’s not necessary for you to pay, Bob, I can take care of that. I have a small fund that some good people donate money to. You have other things to worry about.”
I see his eyes light up, the delight and relief in his face.
“Well, thank you very much. That would be wonderful, to read Builder Magazine.”
Then I ask Robert what other books and magazines he loved to read. He mentioned National Geographic photography books several times. I went home and ordered two books for Rob, one a National Geographic Book with 2,500 animal photos and another, also from National Geographic on strange and beautiful buildings of the world. Shirley loves animals.
The other residents of the Mansion will also enjoy those books when Robert is done with them.
I know now that no one at the Mansion asks for help or admits needing help. If I accepted that right away, I would be stopped cold. But they all need something, it is my job to figure out what it is. Their needs and interests are small. You just have to keep asking and sniffing around, sooner or later they reveal what they need. I’m often glad that I was a reporter.
I got a subscription to Builder Magazine, and when it comes, I will put it in Bob’s name. Every builder should have it to read.
You can write to Robert c/o The Mansion, 11 S. Union Avenue, Cambridge, N.Y., 12816.
Bill has been at the Mansion for about six months, he is 82 years old although he does not look it, he, is soft-spoken, ironic and gentle. Lately, we have been talking to one another, we struck up a relationship after I brought him his new air conditioner, I hadn’t seen him around too much.
Today, we talked about the time. He had a stroke last year, he said, and that is why he came to the Mansion. He is working to get certain things back that he lost. One was the ability to remember the date and time.
He looks at his watch, and at the clock, and he knows what time it is, but he can’t retain, and he needs to know the time to remember the events and activities in the Mansion, and the times for meals. He looks at the time, then goes out into the hallway to look at the schedule of events, and at the clock in the activity room.
That way, he remembers what time it is. He is working hard at this, and getting better. He expects to get his sense of time back in a few weeks or months, if he works at it, and he will and does. I see he struggles sometimes to get oriented – he is often asking what’s going on, working to repair some of the lost parts of his consciousness. He is doing well, he is very engaged and focused.
I’m enjoying talking to Bill, I hope to learn more about him, he is getting to know Red and liking him. I’ll plan to bring him some books and see if he likes to read. I think what he needs is to talk to someone, he seems to keep to himself. We have connected and I look forward to knowing him better.
The Mansion is a feast of stories and struggles, some of them out in the open, some of them quite submerged. I’ve never seen Bill in the activities room, I think he is working very hard to get control of time again. You can write to Bill c/o The Mansion, 11 S. Union Avenue, Cambridge, N.Y., 12816. I have the feeling he would like to get more letters.
I have learned that small dogs have big hearts and large brains. Their egos are pretty good as well. Gus likes to take out the high point in the pasture and watch the bigger dogs run around like fools. His head swivels around like it’s on a motor, he checks on Maria, on me,on Fate, on Red, on the sheep.
He is the smallest creature in the pasture, not much bigger than a rabbit, but he casts a pretty large shadow. I look for photos that give Gus some dignity, he is, in many ways, a big dog.
I love taking photos of the posted signs around here, they speak of the power and meaning of boundaries, something that comes up often, in my life, my blog, my work and friendships.
I have had serious issues with boundaries for much of my life, and have paid attention to them in recent years. The more I understand them, the better my life is, the fewer people I hurt, the happier I am, the stronger my own identity.
Boundaries have never been more important than they are now, when conventional ideas about individual space and privacy are being washed away by powerful new technologies like this one and a society whose government and businesses are obliterating the real life connections between human beings.
Every day, my boundaries and the boundaries of countless other people are being breached or discarded.
According to psychologists, this matters. A boundary helps to define an individual by outlining likes and dislikes, and setting the distances one allows others to approach. It also defines as well as the pieces of oneself that we give away to others. These include physical, mental, psychological and spiritual boundaries involving beliefs, emotions, intuitions and self-esteem.
Some people get upset or angry when people like me seek to set personal boundaries. They see it as standoffish or unreasonable or grumpy and self-serving. The violation of other people’s boundaries at home and work is now built into the tools of our social media and work and personal lives.
I see boundaries differently from many. To me, boundaries are essential to self-respect and to mental spiritual and creative health.
In my mind, setting boundaries is not about pushing people away, it is quite the opposite. It is about letting them get closer in a safe and healthy way.
Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others. They support independence.
I do not dislike getting mail and messages from people, quite the opposite, I find many of these messages inspiring, useful, uplifting, and sometimes challenging in the healthiest of ways. Boundaries are not about cutting other people off. They are about knowing how to let them in.
For those – people like me – who have been violated in their lives, boundaries are essential to feeling healthy and secure. Boundaries are the way in which I set limits, find my identity and individuality, preserve my integrity, and most importantly, to take responsibility for my life.
This once sounded like Dr. Phil jargon to me, more socio-feel good blather. It is more than that. Boundaries are how I stand in my truth, and take control of my life.
Andrea Matthews, a psychologist writing in Psychology Today, wrote this about boundaries:
“..boundaries are not meant to keep others out as much as they are meant to keep us in. That is true because when others are violating our space in some kind of way, it also means that we have not been able to define where they stop and we begin in some kind of way…For the most part, the whole point of having boundaries is so that we can contain ourselves within the parameters of where I stop and others begin.”
There are no fixed and easy rules about boundaries. In response to an earlier piece about personal space and social media.
I do have my own rules.
1. I don’t tell other people what to do. 2. I do not ever offer advice that is not requested, or assume I know better than other people what is good for them. 3 I do not try to “save” other people, only myself. 4. I do not confuse “love” with worry, not with people, not with dogs. 5. I share my life, I do not give to others.6. I do not argue my beliefs with strangers. 7. I do not label people, or hate those who disagree with me.
People who need what I write will take it and consider it, people who have no need of it will move on, and should.
This dialogue we are having about boundaries is not offered in anger or judgment, although many people are offended and upset by it. There is this growing feeling in America that public people who put themselves out there, a term I have come to hate, deserve whatever they get, since they are not considered to be humans with feelings.
I write this in humility, knowing I am flawed and also pissing in the wind. The world is moving another way, especially on social media destroyers of boundaries everywhere. I am howling in the dark.
No one reading this can possibly have shattered more boundaries that I have in my life, or harmed more people in the process. Setting boundaries and articulating them is not meant as an argument or controversy, it is one of the foundation blocks of my own learning and growth as a human being.
A person who cannot respect or set boundaries is broken.
When someone tells me that I am “asking for it” when I take photos or write about my life, or is furious with me for writing about this, I feel badly for them, because they do not understand what a boundary is or how important it is. And they obviously don’t have boundaries.
I feel badly for me also, because anger is never any fun, but I have come to feel stronger each time I speak out, I am defining my own identity and dignity and self-respect, and that is how boundaries are built and take root, and that is why boundaries are so important..
My identity is important to me, I have fought for it my whole life, I do not take it for granted.
