Day: January 10, 2013

I had a remarkable nightmare the other night. I almost never remember my dreams, but I will not forget this one. It revealed an elemental truth to me, an important comprehension for me. In the dream, I was afraid, terrified. I was seeking help but could not find anyone to help me. Suddenly, I realized I could turn to my parents for help, I could ask them for help. I had a great sensation of calm, of peace, of great relief. I can’t recall feeling so safe and peaceful, I had found a solution to my fear. My parents would help me. I was not alone.

Almost immediately after that feeling of peace, I woke up, and I realized that my parents were dead. I experienced a great surge of terror, it was so intense it  reminded me of those stories about combat where soldier’s insides turn to ice.

I could feel this great physical experience, a bolt of ice surging from my heart light a bolt of lightning down into my stomach and beyond. It was an awful feeling, I could barely breathe and woke up in abject terror. What could the meaning of such a strange dream be? As I said, I never recall my dreams, and I never asked my parents for help, such a thing would have been almost inconceivable to me. I thought about this dream all day, as I was shaken and drained from it all of the day.

I talked to some people I trust about it. Here is the best I could do. The dream spoke to an elemental truth about life. There is great support, it is there if we seek it, and there is a feeling of great safety and peace. There is all the support in the world if we are open to it. Yet, there is also reality, the collision of the spiritual world with the real one. In the real world, we are on our own. No one can save us, there is no real support other than that which we provide ourselves. Even those who love and cherish us cannot support us if we do not support ourselves.

When we lose a job, get divorced, worry about money, get sick, lose a dog.

We tell our struggle stories, we put them out into the world so people will sympathize with us, make us feel better, come and support us. But I have learned that these stories of struggle and lament were a poison for me. They did not bring me help or comfort or support. They kept me mired in the sad stories of my life. Until I realized that my troubles were everybody’s troubles, we all struggle, we all experience fear and loss. That is the connection, and perhaps, the support. Beyond that realization, we must right and sustain ourselves, believe in our own power to navigate life, take responsibility for our sadness and joy.

In my dream, I experienced all of the support in the world, and also the realization that I must stand in my own life, my own truth. There is no one to rescue me. There never has been.

The dream spoke to the great dichotomy of life. I had experience a great sensation of peace and safety, and in the night. It is there for me, if I got it then, I can get it again. And again. But once we are launched into the world, we are responsible for ourselves, no one can rescue us from life. From its challenges and trials. Or from death. Our greatest support must come from within, from self-awareness and the strength to see ourselves truthfully. I believe I was meant to have this dream, and for several reasons. First, because I think it was the birth of my fear, very early in life reaching out to people who could not come, could not be there. And secondly, because it brought me to this very elemental truth about the world.

The only person who can truly support me, bring me to safety and security, is me. That, I think, was the message of this disturbing but beautiful and important dream.

Animals are skilled readers of human emotion, their survival depends on it, their instincts support the reading of emotions through sight, smell, movement. Maria has a gift with animals, they respond to her, her emotions are close to the surface and they are warm and loving and patient. I believe women are more in touch with animals than men, generally. I am struck every day by how much the animals trust and respond to her. Carrots help, but it is more than food, it is a connection of the heart and soul.

I want to share with you the news that Jack and Jill, two dogs living all their lives with our friend Carol Tunney, a physician now working as a shamanic healer, have gone to the spirit world. Carol said that after working with one of her teachers, it became clear that they were both suffering and struggling to hang on for her and for one another. Carol said that once she realized that they arrived together as litter mates, she came to see they were ready to leave together. They were buried on a friends farm along with some red meat, peanut butter, kibble and a crystal. They are sleeping parallel to one another, just as they did in life. They shared and brightened and defined Carol’s life for nearly 14 years. She called them her champions, healers and dear friends. I was privileged to briefly know these dogs and to photograph them for Carol.

There is grief in loss, but also gratitude and appreciation. Carol reminds us to be selfless in our love, and that death can be a gift as well as a sorrow. She put her beloved dogs ahead of herself, and sent them on their sacred way.

After a long absence, the sun reasserted itself this morning as we set out to do the morning chores. It announced itself off of the side of the old barn and in the shadows of the big old tree. I am glad to see it, I am a warrior for light. We had a good solid spell of true winter and we are ready for a break.

Donkeys can be gentle and loving, prickly and grumpy. This morning, Lulu was annoyed at the slow pace of the chickens walking in front of her so she put her head down and pushed them along as they clucked indignantly. I am always struck how donkeys make their own paths. And are territorial about them. Lulu has never harmed the chickens but she doesn’t cut them any slack either.