We got Tess into the pole barn, she got up and moved a bit, but then seemed to decline. We tubed her for bloat, gave her medicine for gas, and penicillin in case her wheezing breath signaled infection or pneumonia, we sat with her, got her up on her feet a few times. I’ve had sheep for 15 years, and there is a small and up-to-date pharmacy in our pantry. I’ve seen all of this before, and more than once.
Sick sheep usually die suddenly, and if they don’t, they are up and moving if they are treated for the right thing in time. We’ll see. We’ve decided against a vet in this case, we will see how she is in the morning. It is tough on Maria, Tess is the ewe she is closest to, our sweetest and most gentle ewe. She is in the pole barn alone – the other sheep are out grazing, she has fresh water, hay if she wants, and she will get another needle in her butt in the morning. She is lying down, but with her eyes clear and her head up, a good sign for sheep. I don’t like the wheezing breath, but perhaps the penicillin will take care of it.
I’ve made three decisions in my life with animals that are considered controversial by others: I decided to kill Orson after he bit three people, including a child; I sent Elvis, my Swiss Steer, to market to feed the residents of a homeless shelter, I gave Homer, my border collie, to a neighbor’s family in New Jersey. In the world of people who lived with animals, none of these decisions were surprising or controversial, on the edges of the pet world they were often seen as cruel or callous and unforgivable.
It’s curious, but I consider all three among the most loving and humane decisions I have ever made, and would make every one of them again in a minute. I got Homer shortly after I got Rose and while I had Orson, and from the first, he was much overshadowed by both of them. He was a show dog, not a working dog or herding dog, and while I was very fond of him, I did not really connect with him. He eluded me, annoyed me, was not the dog for me.
Homer was a border collie from Texas, he graced the cover of my first dog book, “A Good Dog,” which launched my animal writing career and life.
He was not as interesting to me as Orson, not as tied to me as Rose. In my own life, my father often branded me a sissy, he was unhappy with my decision not to play sports. He was contemptuous of my writing, my tropical fish, my brooding and solitary life as a child, angry at my bed-wetting, frustrated by my unyielding refusal to accept his view of my world.
I have studied animal attachment for years and have learned to look in my own mirror when it comes to my relationship with dogs. I think I often projected my father’s judgements onto Homer, I thought of him as weak and frustrating. One day I yelled at him for not keeping up with us on our walk, and I knew that day that I needed to find him a better home, one where his sweet and loyal and gentle nature would be appreciated. I did not want to give him a version of my own life with my father.
A neighbor’s boy, Max, loved Homer, came down the block to play with him, and Homer loved Max back, I think he especially loved being loved uncritically and unconditionally, their relationship was pure joy and connection. Homer and Max would just light up when they saw one another, it was one of those powerful human-animal bond matches.
I understand that giving a dog away is heresy to some of the people who define love differently than I do. I saw how happy Homer was with Max, how different he was with me, how nervous he was in the shadow of the domineering Rose and Orson, neither of whom paid him much mind. Rose and I had already formed a powerful connection, we just got one another, and I was eager to live and work with her. I loved Orson in a different way, but just as much, as damaged and troubled as he was. My obligation was to give Homer the best possible life, and if I could not, then to get him to someone who could. It is not loving to bind a dog to you if you cannot love them fully.
I asked Max’s dad if they would let Homer stay with them while I was away, and they eagerly accepted the offer. It was clear to me that Homer would get the life he deserved there, he would be an only dog in a loving and doting family that was looking for a gentle and loyal house dog, not a working or sheepherding or farm dog, it was not fair to subject Homer to my own expectations of him, I did not want to sound like my father or be like him.
Killing one of my dogs and giving the other away permanently branded me a pariah in some corners of the animal world, I get angry messages still about both dogs. But I am at peace with it, sometimes you love something by letting it go, we all walk in our own shoes.
Homer’s owners wrote me this week to tell me that Homer was put down last week, he had been struggling for six months – low energy, falling and seizures. “It is hard for me to imagine a smarter, warmer, more loyal, more adorable animal – canine or human,” wrote Max’s father. “Thanks to you, we were fortunate to have had Homer in our lives the last 10 years, a gift for which we are eternally grateful. He will be deeply, deeply, missed.”
I am grateful for the note, happy to have provided such a gift for this family and for Homer. He was not the dog for the adventures ahead, not the dog to live on Bedlam Farm, not the dog to chase sheep around steep meadows in blizzards,, fend off rams, dodge the kicks of donkeys, watch the back of his disintegrating human. It is wonderful to give a dog the life he or she deserves, and Rose got that and so did Homer. Orson, alas, did not get the chance, he forfeited that right in my mind when he began hurting people.
Dog are the mirrors of our lives, they reflect us, and our passages through life, or flaws and strength, our ups and downs, our rises and falls. I cannot say I truly loved Homer, I did not, but say I am so glad he was able to get the life he so richly deserved, I was true to our bond and our contract. Homer, you were a sweet and loving animal, good for you for bringing so much love and happiness to your family, I am so happy you got to live your life. Sorry, Dad, you did your best, but you taught me in many ways that might surprise you what it really means to love.
Our apple tree is shedding it’s last leaves. The farmers all believe that when an apple tree is loaded with juicy apples, this is nature’s way of preparing the animals for a heavy, storm-laden winter. We’ll see, for me this apple tree signals hope, this is where the first light shines every morning, lighting up the last leaves before the Days Of Grace, which are upon us.
Tess, our most gentle ewe, collapsed in the pasture today while Red and I were doing our daily sheepherding work, she dropped to the ground and I thought we might lose here. We got her up and walked her to the Pole Barn with the help of our good friend and neighbor Jack Macmillan. She improved a bit, but is lying still in the Pole Barn. Sheep illnesses are difficult to diagnose and treat, he belly seems bloated, her breathing labored, I suspect she ate some poisoned plants or brush in the outer pasture.
I don’t see anything here that a vet can really treat, she is in the barn and we are watching here. Odds are 5–50, I think, as the vets always say, Sick Sheep Suddenly Die, that is often the sad truth of sheep illnesses. I hope it isn’t so, we are very fond of Tess.
An excerpt from “Second Chance Dog: A Love Story,” was published on Slate Magazine today, one week ahead of it’s November 12 publication date. The book is off to a wonderful start, great reviews, it’s in it’s second printing, this is the first chance for any of you to get a peek at the content, the excerpt is from the beginning of the book. If you wish to pre-order the book from Battenkill Books, my local bookstore, you can do so here.
If you choose pre-order the book from Battenkill Books, my local bookstore, Maria and I will both sign and personalize it and you will be eligible to win a free photo, free books and one of 100 free bags of Fromm Family Food for dogs and cats. Books purchased after the pub date will also, of course be personalized and signed. If you wish to order the book anywhere books are sold, you can find those options listed on my book page
The book is available anywhere books are sold, as a print or e-book.
