Emma Lazarus was a loser, a total loser, a desperate bimbo, she was not nice, low energy, pathetic, bad for America, tweet bait for Donald Trump. We love her. More later.
My dog Fate is a loser too, she is clueless, she is not great, she jumped up out onto the bed this morning, she pulled my hair right off of my head and then ran downstairs and pushed open the back door and was caught red-handed trying to bury my hair inside of the dog house. All chewed up, disgusting. Back to Virginia for her. Deported.
I have a big Trumpish idea for the poor people of the world, better than coming here. It is great. You will have to read more to find out about it. The big guy is not only on my head, he is in my head.
Speaking of which, some liberal media people made a big stink out of my saying yesterday that all of the Jews and Scottish-American farmers ought to go back where they came from…Israel, I think, do they still come from there? Who knows for sure where they come from, they seem to be everywhere? Some people want me to apologize to them for hurting their feelings.
But I'm not going to apologize to them, they should apologize to me for my not treating them well. I mean, who are these people, what have they built, what have they done? We need a wall around them.
And I have been good to them, I have a lot of good Jews working for me, I love them. I know Moses, he is great, he came to my office asking me for money to travel around in the desert, I threw him out. You must be kidding, I said, what kind of investment is that? But it wasn't personal, we talk all the time. He's a good guy, he loves me. Because I am great.
I told him I'm sending all my charity money to the Vatican so they can start up another inquisition. They knew how to get people out of a country, to keep them from ever coming back. Religion needs a victory, there are no victories for Popes any more. When is the last time religion had a victory? Not since the Muslims elected a President of the United States just a few years ago. And look what happened? China is mopping up the floor with us, bimbos and bleeding women are giving the news.
My America will be great again, we can shoot people for no reason again. What a bunch of sissies. If every single person in the country had guns, if there was a handgun in every school desk in the country, you'd see a lot of dead crazy people with machine guns. The kids would really have a better chance of defending themselves. It takes a long time for the police to arrive, there's a lot of people with guns out there. Give the little kids a chance.
I've been Trumped. Donald Trump has inspired me to rise up out of my political lethargy and wise-cracking, get some good hair, and make some good proposals to ease the suffering of the world, and also to deal with all of those immigrants and rapists who are coming here to steal from us and rape our children so they can feed their children.
I've figured him out. I will be honest with you. We will take a turn here. I have the best idea for him, and for all of the people who love him. I have found the line between Trump being funny and Trump being not funny. I realize there is something very personal about Trump, for each one of us who is still morally alive.
I love to laugh at Trump. I stopped laughing this afternoon, it was strange. Minnie Cohen did it, she rose up out of the mist of time and her eyes filled with tears, I hung my head in shame. What, she asked, are you laughing at, poor boy?
I was drawn to re-read the writing of Jonathan Swift, a poet, essayist, and moralist – you may remember those? – who wrote a couple of hundred years ago, about the same thing Trump is talking about now It is true, history is a wheel, it just keeps turning and turning, nothing is new. Swift wrote to the same kind of people, and he heard all the people in England complaining about the starving Irish coming to rape them and steal from them, and he suggested the poor mothers of Ireland stop whining in their famine, stop migrating to other countries and taking up all their jobs.
He said they ought to eat their babies. Trump might not like Jonathan Swift. There is no shame for Trump and his followers, they are not reachable in that old way.
But Swift had a timely idea, it would slip right into the Trump campaign for president:
"I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London," he wrote, "that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked or boiled.."
He had the right idea about those immigrants, Trump will love it, about poor women like my grandmother, who snuck out of Russia after her brothers and sisters starved and died, who walked across Europe to get to America in an awful winter, who crossed the border without a passport, uninvited, not welcome.
Are we not all Irish? Jews? African-Americans? Scottish farmers? Mexican migrant workers? Do we not all have the same story running through our blood?
"It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great down or travel in the country," wrote Swift, "when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin doors, crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in rags and importuning every passenger for an alms. These mothers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling to beg sustenance for their helpless infants; who as they grow up either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their dear native country…"
They should have built a big wall to keep Minnie Cohen out, then maybe they might have sent their best – a/k/a richest – people to us instead.
So I'm learning from Trump how to live, how to believe, what to believe, how we can be great again, what makes a country great. And what doesn't. I am grateful for that. Trump said recently that the best investments are sometimes the ones you don't make. The best ideas are sometimes the ones you don't follow.
You have to be strong in this world, there are people out there who will kill you, eat you alive. Maybe you have to make America great again by hating people again. By turning on Minnie Cohen and the poor and sending her and them back to starve and die, by only letting rich people like Trump in, by building walls around our world. Don't they deserve it? They are stepping on us, taking advantage of us. Think of it, millions and millions of them, all getting shipped back, like overnight packages.
What would it cost? Billions of dollars and the soul of a wonderful, unprecedented idea for a nation.
So maybe Trump will discover Swift, and get a great new speech for his campaign, his many new followers will soak it right up, the media will just love it, the social media horses will share it a million times, the blogs will explode with excitement, cable news will rake in the money. Imagine the first video of the first baby eaten on You Tube, talk about going viral, if you thought Cecil the Lion was big. The Outrage Addicts will choke in front of their screens.
And what a great song for Trump and his followers to sing while he passes out his T-shirts and big hats, and gives the children rides in his helicopters, and keeps his hair from taking off in the wind. Remember the big heart of this man, he loves people, he loves Mexicans, he loves women, he loves children, he loves the dread Chinese, they are just great, like him:
The new Trump Campaign Song, a new engraving for the lady in the harbor: "Keep your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore, build a great big wall thousands of miles long to keep them out, to turn they away, to ship them back by the millions, do not send these, the homeless, the tempest-tost to me, I turn off my lamp beside the golden door, I slam it shut, on the fingers of the lost and the poor."
Sorry, Minnie, we are closed. Only the rich can get in. Go back to Russia. Sorry, Emma Lazarus, you suck as a poet, you are a miserable loser, your words do not belong on the Statue Of Liberty.
Mr. Trump has a point. It is a popular idea, he is soaring in the polls. And who the hell has ever heard of Emma Lazarus, or cares what loser poets say and write?
You do have to be tough with people these days, like those Chinese, they don't come to chat, they come right into a meeting, and they look you in the eye, sit right down in your conference room, drink all the coffee you bring to them, eat all of the donuts, and say "We Kill You, Stupid White People!" And they do, they do, just look at the trade deficit. They are killing us!
We love the Chinese, they are great people. Great.
And we need better hair. Join the Revolution. Be Stupid, Be Proud. Keep laughing, shake your head. Fate is not a great dog, she is a loser. Emma Lazarus is crying in the heavens, she is another loser egghead, a bimbo, too weak for our world.