August 1, 2010 – Two months till “Rose In A Storm” is published. I am eager. Frieda’s night at the Red Fox Bookstore Aug. 18 is full up, sorry. Maybe we can do another if it works out. Creative Union 2/Holiday Artfest scheduled for 1 to 4 p.m., the Redux Gallery, Dorset, Vt. Fiberart, notecards. New stuff, affordable art for Christmas. Also, signed Bedlam Farm notecards are now available at Redux. Each one signed, as will be the case for all of them sold from now on, in response to requests. New quilt from Maria.

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I’ve learned that fear can be an addiction like alcoholism, and can be treated in somewhat the same way. If you go to an AA meeting, and substitute “fear” for “drink,” it all fits almost perfectly. Chronic fear is just like alcoholic thinking. In AA, people learn to change the people and places in their lives, so they won’t be reminded of drink or tempted by it.

I see that this was an issue for me regarding the farm, and one reason I was eager to leave it.

Coming to the farm was a powerful experience, good and bad. I found myself as a writer here, nearly lost myself as a human being.

For me, staying here was like giving up alcohol but living in the bar. A place of unhappy memories, exploitation, impulses, addictions, loneliness and great fear and confusion. So I was anxious to leave, as any alcoholic would stay away from his or her favorite drinking hole. Every room in the farm had unhealthy memories, temptations, associations.

I decided to recast my experiences and memories of the farm. It is different now. It has been re-christened. I have fewer animals – two donkeys in permanent residence, sheep come and go, four dogs, two barn cats. No chickens, cows, steers, or goats. I share my life with Maria, my wife, and that experience is building some of the most wonderful memories of my life.

I have jettisoned the small army of enablers I leaned on to live my life for me, and am living it for myself. Learning everyday about money, responsibility, openness, sharing, creativity. My photography has been a pathway for opening me up, the colors and impulses and emotions buried inside of me showing up in images that – thanks to my notecards and new books – are heading out all over the world.

I have rededicated myself to Bedlam Farm, and so has Maria. We love it here, and are building a new set of memories and associations. Wonderful friends, a loving and responsible life, solid management of our responsibilities, and great support and love for one another. Good work, hard work. But then, a farm is good and hard work, every day. Every minute. So I am learning to live with and love Bedlam Farm again.

Maria is working today. So I will read, walk the farm, do chores, walk the dogs, move firewood, and gently and quietly labor at the construction of a spiritual center.