Day: January 11, 2011

Everywhere I go, I find the world challenging my notions of sanity, the choices of life, the small tyrannies, the systems of fear. Watch the news and be informed. Get tests and be healthy.  Follow politics and be a good citizen. Take pills and live longer. Hate this politician, or hate that one. Be angry. Be outraged. Worry about money.  Hate tech support and customer service. Get insurance. Build up your IRA. Get broadband, 4G, smartphones, cellphones. Plan for being old. Be frightened of the weather. And global warming. And strangers.

I find this all makes me stronger, because every single day I get to say no, this is not who I am, not where I want to be, not how I want to feel. People tell me I am wrong, that I should be outraged about things, or frightened, or sad. I don’t tell anybody else what to do say or think. Just what I do, say or think.

I am only beginning to understand what health is, and how to find it. It is lonely in some ways, as I am increasingly out of step, out of sync, even further outside of the tent than I usually am. But it feels good to. Like home. Who I am.

Frieda by the fire, her favorite place

Many people say they love dogs because dogs love them unconditionally, a precious thing in our lives. I understand the idea, although I see it a bit differently. I like to think of the love as conditional, although it’s hard for me to imagine my dogs not loving me, no matter what I did to them. In addition to their love, my conditions are this: I have to be good to them. See that they are thoughtfully chosen,  loved, healthy, trained, exercised, given proper medical care and made as comfortable as possible.

I feel the same way about human love. It is conditional to me. I have to be a good supporter, partner, lover and friend. I have to be thoughtful and patient, honest and flexible. I want there to be conditions. From the dog’s end, they are generous. They love the humans they attach to, and live in their service.